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God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.

@SlappNuttz

Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!

Ha ha! Now you can't pick them up because you have no hands!

Uh-oh. Crows.

@sween

I love to watch my son sleep. His little chest rising and falling, his little shriek as he wakes up and sees me in my Naked Clown costume.

@fireland

I just figured out that my asshole neighbor is using my Wi-Fi network. I'm gonna change the name of my network to "I fucked your wife".

@BillMc7

I find when I'm asked what form of birth control I use, replying with "Obesity & The inability to attract a man" silences further queries.

@ruthakers

The fact that my lack of concern no longer concerns me is what concerns me the most.

@bitterpuss

I like how your breasts make your breasts the only thing I notice.

@roughdiction

I'm at the aquarium by myself, so naturally I'm going to meet my future husband or everything I've learned in movies is a lie.

@baileygenine

The first step is admitting that you're a problem.

@alsoyourmom

Whenever someone calls me irrational, I freak the fuck out.

@Suck_A_Duck

Sweatpants were on sale at Walmart! And lo, I didst thusly fulfill mine white-trash destiny.

@theresa_lauren

Alcohol is the best lube when life decides to screw you over.

@blueyesbrunet

How come PETA never investigated what Prince was doing to those doves to make them cry?

@behindyourback

I remember the days before Lolcats. When my cat used to say things like a normal goddamn person. Now he thinks he's SO funny. Idiot.

@coreyhinds

Focus groups are still the best way to discover what people who don't value their time value.

@badbanana

If you are trying to get in my pants with flirty comments on my tweets? Don't bother.

This is Twitter. I have no pants to get into.

@bedheadblonde

If they ever start a religion where the Holy Trinity is Profanity, Self-Reference, and The Rule of Three, fucking count me in.

@hotdogsladies

"Honey, no guy will ever be good enough for our little girl. But I think this boy might be just right for your collection under the barn."

@kambrock

If what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, why am I taking antibiotics?

@thebenbrooks

My favorite interview question to ask: "How would you weigh an elephant using only twine and yams?" Punch me in the face, you get the job.

@scottsimpson

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