Keep calm and listen to country music. Merica.

Often I’m the recipient on-line of the insult “fat.” But the joke’s on you, because I’m quite #muscular & children & animals admire me.

I'd say about 1% of my followers are fans of my tweets and the other 99% want me to say hi to Ellen.

With tonight's attendance, over 5 million fans have attended #Pens games during 284 game sellout streak, which started 2/14/07. Thanks fans!

Claim your girl,

love your girl,

spoil your girl,

be faithful to your girl,

trust your girl,

& she will stay your girl

Praying Mantis on a Flower #Motorbike #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/K74iDwCR0M

.@yoplait Your slogan should be “Yogurt: it’s not just about taking a shit.”

GENO! #Pens lead 4-1 with 29.2 to go in the second.

Driving the speed limit in Grand Theft Auto

GOAAAAAL Letang. Straight from Snipe City. 3-0 #Pens

When I was a kid and I felt shy in public, I'd bury my face in my mom's buttcheeks. Now it appears 35 is "too old" to be doing that.

Olive Garden is Italian for "meh."

Just spotted: Batman/Michael Keaton in the house and waving his rally towel.

I bet the worst part about being Kate Middleton is not being able to wear sweatpants and flip flops during her pregnancy.

Hard to believe 'Return of the Jedi' came out 30 years ago, and that if you saw it in the cinemas you are now incredibly old.