Sitting on a train with a family of Asian dudes. They all pulled out bananas and gave me a banana.

We're having a banana party 🍌🎉

@danisnotonfire our child is trending #proudfather pic.twitter.com/yKcCnHrD1h

Sun Rise Behind Mount Fuji, Japan #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/y2r46qAnLt

I love that Red Hot Chili Peppers song about Scott Tissue.

lets stay up all night and figure out a way to make sure the sun stays down

For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"

When I see someone with an umbrella, I just assume they got tired of carrying their giant cocktail.

ATTENTION HOLLYWOOD: Any producers needing music for main characters' first kiss, my song "Welcome to Boner City" is still available.

Dear the news, just because we now have videos of everything that happens doesn't mean you have to broadcast it. Seriously, stop.

I asked the Burger King drive through employee how I could help HIM and he's been sobbing into the speaker for ten minutes now.

i think twitter is for laughing, crying, and information.

If you're not ashamed of yourself after eating cheese dip you're not doing it right.

Dear Mom, because of you I am what I am today, thank you, I love you.

It's sad nobody bothered to ask what that MGM lion was roaring about the beginning of movies.

Life is a cup in their hands yet we feel like freaks stuck with this disease that is revealed