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"Tastes pretty good. But it could use more donuts." - me as a chef
The word 'avocado' means 'testicle'.
Planning Their Drinking Schedule in the Morning
Lunchables are a great way to let your kids know that you love them but not too much.
Sitting on a train with a family of Asian dudes. They all pulled out bananas and gave me a banana.
We're having a banana party 🍌🎉
I wonder if you miss talking to me.
*politely deletes ignored tweets*
Smoking three cigarettes at a time when drunk
The pain of childbirth seems like an OK trade off for how great it feels to take to your bra off.