I'm not prepared to live in a world where a tombstone might read, "He was a helluva guy. I mean my, my, my, like pelican fly."

If you are a girl and you live in Los Angeles you don't get to complain. Ever.

Saying "Xbox, Doritos" will cause the all-new GamerProboscis™ to extend from the #XboxOne and pump Doritos® NachoSlurry™ down your throat.

Recording a new voicemail greeting is like being sucked into a vortex of self-hatred.

They should have called the new Xbox... Wait for it.... NextBox. You're welcome Microsoft. #XboxReveal

We are going to sue Microsoft. They clearly ripped off the XBOX One design from one of our Betamax players

here's what you should take away from the xbox one reveal:  http://i.imgur.com/DtkdMMO.gif 

New CoD game: Intelligent fish, dog character, emotionally engaging. Estimated plot summary: you're a dog running along the seaside.

Yes but can the new Xbox replace the love of a good woman? *opens owner's manual* Oh it can, sweet

All #Pens on the ice for practice. Perfect attendance

5th time in 6 seasons! 4th in a row! #roartothefinals

Great, now they're going to have to come up with a new name for the President's Xbox.

Ironically nothing makes me hate life more than "Life is good" shirts.

The Xbox One is going to forever change the way I don't play video games.

PREVIOUSLY ON HALO: "You're gay! No! You're gay! MOM!!!!!!!" #XboxReveal