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I wonder if ugly people make a pretty face when they orgasm.
@
plaid_lemur
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Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.
@
CranberryPerson
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I got Macy Gray a glass of water. Ruined her career.
@
InSoOutSo
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I feel a little left out when song lyrics speak directly to the DJ and people on the dance floor. I'm in my car.
@
badbanana
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The road to weight loss is a long one.
That's why I've pulled into a drive-thru to get a cheeseburger and fries to tide me over.
@
ruthakers
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Sometimes I feel pretty accomplished. Then I remember how often I have to sing myself the alphabet song.
@
theresa_lauren
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Some mornings I just don't feel like getting drunk and throwing garbage at passing cars but who am I to question God's plan.
@
fireland
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Guys. When you argue via SMS, only AT&T wins.
@
hotdogsladies
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Your hand bone's connected to my hip bone. My hand bone's connected to your pants bone...and here's...where the song...turns to porn.
@
lafix
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First thing I do with a new calculator app: attempt divide by zero.
2nd: Ask myself why I have a list of things to do with new calculators.
@
gruber
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It smells like sexual frustration and Mountain Dew in the hallway. So I know the IT trolls are nearby.
@
BlondHousewife
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Her: I want to ask if she's pregnant.
Me: Is she crowning and asking for the nearest Labor & Delivery room?
Her: No.
Me: Then don't ask.
@
bedheadblonde
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.
@
crispycracka
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Just made a Cadbury Creme Egg Salad Sandwich. Who wants to touch me?
@
thedayhascome
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Remember ... every stripper is someone's daughter, someone's sister, or your mom.
@
awryone
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Easy tip to make the whole web look better on your Mac: Turn off Arial in Font Book.
@
gruber
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I've been breaking my addictions;
No soda - 9 months
No Xbox - 6 months
No smoking - 3 weeks
No masturbating - 1 minute 58 seconds
@
SlappNuttz
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Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.
@
Punkrockie
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I can name all of the Real Housewives of Orange County is what my suicide note is going to say.
@
Zaius13
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I don't dance like no one is watching.
I dance more like someone is tipping.
@
bedheadblonde
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