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I'm goin' as a Democrat this Halloween. When kids knock, I'll take half their candy to give to kids too lazy to go trick-or-treatin'. Merica
Android users claim their CEO came out three years ago.
i dont want to go to school and i dont want a job i want to party for the rest of my life.
I used to hate it when people said 'Tell me something I don't know', until I learnt that otters have a pocket to store their favourite rock.
I saw a bunch of ppl using only 1 door in a set of double doors so I opened the 2nd door. Now they have me on their shoulders, I'm their god
If you cheat on me I will next you just like that! ✌️😇
Mom: I wish you were more like your brother
Me: he's dead, mom
Mom: *head tilt eyebrow raise*