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Someone just left me a voicemail. Can't wait to get around to listening to it in 3 weeks.
If you think about it, my wife has already won two Powerballs.
People angry about my last tweet: IT’S A JOKE. I never found it.
Somehow women make a new friend every week while guys just know the same six people their entire lives.
If my children are ever rude to me I'm gonna kick them in the face.
Watch out kids. Dad's home. And he has new shoes.
"If you text me, I'll call you back just cuz it's more efficient." - a monster
growing weed outta my chia pet
wait omg. cinderella's shoe fits perfectly right?
then why does it fall off for the Prince to find?!
For every day, I miss you. For every hour, I need you. For every minute, I feel you. For every second, I want you. Forever, I love you.