Someone just left me a voicemail. Can't wait to get around to listening to it in 3 weeks.

If you think about it, my wife has already won two Powerballs.

People angry about my last tweet: IT’S A JOKE. I never found it.

I made it better pic.twitter.com/W4lo6117Nb

this just came up on my timeline

w h a t pic.twitter.com/Wb6jYskDJe

Somehow women make a new friend every week while guys just know the same six people their entire lives.

If my children are ever rude to me I'm gonna kick them in the face.

Watch out kids. Dad's home. And he has new shoes.

"harry go change ur hair it looks dumb"
"being punk isn't a phase mom it's a lifestyle it's who i am" pic.twitter.com/0lkJaqrPZw

"If you text me, I'll call you back just cuz it's more efficient." - a monster

growing weed outta my chia pet

wait omg. cinderella's shoe fits perfectly right?

then why does it fall off for the Prince to find?!

SHIT o__o

#RememberWhenBarackObama accually waz Dolan pic.twitter.com/xcflzMNAKM

I added a pic. MT @sarahpalinusa Mr. President, when it rains it pours, but most Americans hold their own umbrellas. pic.twitter.com/TzbBg3Xc4i

For every day, I miss you. For every hour, I need you. For every minute, I feel you. For every second, I want you. Forever, I love you.

Pink sandy beaches of Bermuda. pic.twitter.com/Ypv9mb9k6F