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Being nice to the people you hate is not being fake. It is called respect and making yourself educated.
whenever something good is happening to you, whisper "I'm-a Luigi; I'm-a gonna win" to yourself; I guarantee it will go from good to great
LIFE HACK: If you're not picky about who's name is written on your cup, or what's in it, Starbucks has free coffee.
I'm old enough to recall when "Patriot" meant "guy who loves America" not "angry guy w/bald eagle fetish who hates lots of other Americans."
abercrombie and fitch's sales are plummeting, which can only mean one thing: the people who made fun of me in high school are dying off
ur best player.... thinks hes a pirate
That moment when you wake up after drinking too much last night and you realize that you're late for work and also that you're in a dumpster
The atheists are right
My herb garden is in mint condition
On your birthday, I took you out to celebrate. We reminisced about our years together, then returned you to your crypt till next year.