This is the story of a dedicated fan base, who after years of anticipation, was justly rewarded with 15 new episodes on @netflix. #AD2013

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.

im stuck in a tree again and i refuse to learn from mistakes

Hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend. Remember to wipe front to back.

Check to see if I follow you before you tweet about drugs, weed or pot. I’m #not #interested.

Why yes, I am ignoring you.

Going through my son's Sherlock Holmes book, replacing this word with "exclaimed" wherever it appears. pic.twitter.com/Wfw4Lr0Ww8

Checking my phone one more time before I go to sleep because apparently 533 times wasn’t enough today.

.@arnettwill I know people make fun of me & my family’s outfits but they won’t be laughing when I definitely own the San Diego Zoo by 2016.

If you still:

Carry her bags,
Open the door for her
Tell her that shes beautiful,
And show her respect.

You're a real man.

any wedding with more than 100 guests should just be called a divorce.

Kirkland Signature. RT @arnettwill: Paco Rabanne, you? “@robdelaney: @arnettwill What are you wearing?”

Just when you think things can't get any worse is when you should stop thinking.

life is nothing like a box of chocolates but more like a piñata that's stuffed with bills

a great pramk to do on ur son is, when youre on ur deathbed, make sure ur last words are "i'd rather die then hug u. see look" hahaha ownded