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Nothing say Happy Holidays and I hope you get diabetes like a McDonald’s gift certificates.
it would be badass if the little drummer boy only had one arm
cute text: you're hot like the pizza i am about to bring over to your house
Well, kids, your Mom and I met on Instagram Direct. I sent her a picture of a sunset and things just progressed from there
A group of nerds is called a magic the gathering of nerds.
Just saw an attractive chick on a jog blow snot rockets out of each nostril so I'm pretty sure my weekend is gonna be awesome.
28,682 people have written reviews of Amazon’s gift cards and I now realize that I have never truly been bored.
There’s donuts in the break room if anyone's interested. There’s also a better life out there waiting for you if that’s what you’re into.
FRIDAY THE 13th UPDATE: Haven't been stabbed by maniac in hockey mask yet. (Retweet to let your followers know you're ok so far.)
SON: "Oh my God, Dad, Beyonce just released a surprise album!!!!"
ME: (Long pause, then choking up) "I love you no matter what."
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our lawn display.
pizza got me feeling some type of way
If you're the sole survivor of the apocalypse, just go to your gym. There'll be somebody at the locker right next to yours.