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pro tip: get her pizza not pregnant
"Please let us bankrupt you and then drop you off back at your parents' house in 4 years"
No gays, Beyoncé's new album isn't a reason you can call in to work today.
TODAY IS NATIONAL BUY YOUR BEST FREIND A LARGE THREE TOPPING PIZZA WITH STUFFED CRUST DAY RETWEET TO RAISE AWARENESS
she wears short shirts and i eat pizza she's cheer captain and i'm still eating pizza
I started the day with chocolate buttons. So Friday is already excellent.
Getting fed up of girls just treating me like a long, hard, well toned, piece of meat...so much more to me.... Like...girth, length etc.
the beyoncé album woke me up. It is 5:17 am. Disrespectful.
Always break up just before special occasions like Christmas or birthdays to save cash.
"It's like Beyonce doesn't even care that it's a school night." -- Taylor Swift
“One adult for the Hobbit” is now the saddest thing I’ve said two years running.
Got popcorn stuck in the back of my throat and I can't get it out no matter how many times I make that kKKcKtk sound. Fri. the 13th strikes!
Me: Neal Brennan
You: My father.