Most popular recent tweets

Great. Now I just need a pregnancy test that will tell me who knocked me up.

@SheBanggs

Remember, freshmen, the best way to impress new lady friends is to drink a LOT as fast as possible.

@donni

I wonder if people with HIV say "I've got the Magic in me."

@ruthakers

I need to be kinder to myself. I need to focus on my inner goodness. I need to believe in love. I need to stop watching Oprah with my wife.

@RexHuppke

There's nothing sweeter than pillow talk. Of course, I don't understand her screams into the pillow like "MMMPPFFFMMPPPFFOOH!"

@YUCKYBOT

I'm so good at it, they should call it maestrobation.

@Brain_Wash

There's just no reasoning with people who believe Jesus was a white man.

@TheBosha

On a toilet, I sit facing the opposite way, like towards the wall. I hug the bowl with my legs & I grab the tank like a horse’s neck. Rodeo!

@juskewitch

Twitter: Where everybody knows your shame.

@tackie_jackie

If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s also on Twitter, who wears the pants in the relationship? No one?

@RosyRed

Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999, only forty pounds heavier.

@JerryThomas

Studies show it's totally okay for me to just say "studies show" in front of whatever I want to say.

@luckyshirt

@JAYBUMAOM #welovetablo RT this hyung!

@notoriousgonzo

I never had a 4-hour boner. However, I used to have 4 boners an hour during my high school years, in gym, math, English and at funerals.

@Beerhaze

Somedays I feel like everyone received a manual at birth on how to live life, and the nurse spilled coffee all over mine.

@YUCKYBOT

I think that grabbing the bull by the horns is good advice. I also highly recommend kicking a rhino in the yam bag and fucking with sharks.

@BillMc7

I only said love your neighbor as yourself because I was living next door to Scarlett Johansson.

@Jesus_M_Christ

I can't remember why I tied this string around my finger.

My son has a good memory. If he ever gets home from school, I'll ask him.

@rodney_at_large

I wonder how many times blind people have washed their dishes with ketchup.

@bailey

The last time I was in Tacoma I was so stoned I ate a cup of sand. The digestion was hell but the outcome was a beautiful glass Chihuly.

@BDGarp

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