.@realdonaldtrump I'll never respond to your asinine bet. Too much fun imagining u stomping around like the troll u are. Trumpelstiltskin!

Short girls are the cutest!

″Kiss Me, Stupid″ New Year's Eve, New York City, 1965 pic.twitter.com/29JqwDJFbQ

Lemme put some money on this game.

2-1 Bayern or 2-1 Dortmund.

Retweet for Bayern. Favourite for Dortmund.

"I've got to go. My Cornetto is melting up my arm" is the best excuse ever for ending a phone call.

Somewhere there’s a wiener dog named Wyniener Rider and that’s what gets me through.

I feel stupid for liking you.

Accidentally opened GarageBand again.

MEDICAL GRADE LOL • RT @mrslethal: pic.twitter.com/PNqEKgzLqj

Bayern & United pic.twitter.com/4asR9KezSn

Bering Sea Sunset in Dutch Harbor, Alaska, USA #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/DGRqeUZjoH

I just put a 6yr old in charge of watching a 2yr old. That’s like putting a cat in charge of watching a dog.

can i be honest? you're the only one i've ever spent this much time and effort on.

The tighter the jeans the more pretentious the coffee house order.

"My favorite film genre? Well, I love pharma-coms, but nothing gets me going like a good eco-thriller."