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Kristen wiig is the only funny girl
"Write this down."
[Moses grabs tablet]
"Thou shalt have no other God's bef-"
"Slow down, mate. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'."
love at first nothingness
"So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young any more."
OK. Thunder Road.
I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE ROOM ON MY HOLLYWOOD SQUARES BOARD I AM SORRY GOVERNOR
I just blew my nose so loud it sounded like a trumpet & woke the dog up. I am my father-I want to die...right after I finish these doughnuts
[Einstein introduces his theory of relativity but uses the wrong form of "there" in it once]
Me: what a fckin' idiot
My Jawbone UP is fun and interesting, but doesn't seem to work on the treadmill. Registered 45 minutes as 11 minutes. What's UP with that?
RT IF U STILL LEARNIN EVEN THO SCHOOLS OUT
yo when I die just try to convince everyone that I was cool despite all evidence to the contrary