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"That guy is so tiny."
[wife nudges me]
"No but he's so small, he can't even lift his violin."
[wife leans in & explains what a cello is]
We cannot normalize relations with oppressive regimes. -- Sent from my iPhone
Whoopee cushions were invented 1800 years ago by teenage Roman Emperor Elagabalus, who deployed them at dinner parties
Im dropping out of school to sell meth
Been on Twitter about 3 years now, in related news I've been single about 3 years.
I woke up and the first thing I thought was tomorrow is Friday and everything will be ok
[wins office xmas raffle]
"you have 2 choices"
[imagines carrying the flatscreen tv all the way home from work]
ill just have the mouse mat
Today is day 2 of Saturnalia, the Ancient Roman festival when 'the serious is barred' & drinking, feasting & singing naked encouraged
Here is an Uber drivers name probably - Ghan9tiv