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If I see one more of those 'you're beautiful regardless of your flaws' campaigns, I'm gonna upload a pic that'll put an end to it.
[man runs into the hospital waiting room w/ his pregnant wife]
MAN: her water broke!
ME: [with a tiny cut on my knee] um i was actually next
I've just washed and trimmed an arse. My dog's. Honest.
I have slept everywhere from floors to lawns to wardrobes & caves it doesn't matter to me as long as I've got my pajammies on
me flirting: so are you more haunted by the past or the future
nice funeral invitations i mean eyes
Sending prayers to someone on Twitter will heal them.