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My family does Thanksgiving seating by follower count & I got pushed to the kids table because my uncle has a relatable teen quotes account
RG3 has been benched. Justin Tuck is a Raider. Michael Phelps is suspended.
I finally found something I won't advertise. Subway.
People on the right only use the word "thug" to describe black men who've done something heinous like shoplifting or being elected president
No one gets more excited for Thanksgiving dinner than Jabba the Hutt
Hate is a four letter word. Stop the hate. Cake is too. Keep the cake coming. It helps stop the hate.
Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
[the sound of me opening something breaks the uncomfortable silence]
guy in next urinal: [shrugs] why not
woke up screaming after dreaming that I was wearing high heels
The irony of a blow-job.
Even though you've got her on her knees, she's still got you by the balls...
Beware the temptation to ask money for things it simply can't give you: an identity, a purpose, a sense of internal worth.