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Going for a classy St. Patrick's Day this year. Anyone know of a good green wine?
@
badbanana
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Me: "I have a groping problem"
HR rep: "With whom?"
Me: "Everyone"
HR rep: "Please let go of my thigh."
@
lafix
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I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry.
@
ConanOBrien
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I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching the walls of my apartment now looking for a similar button.
@
sha_suga
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Hate. It's a powerful word. We use it to rate that which threatens our values, our beliefs, our way of life.
Anyway, totally hate broccoli.
@
cravenheart
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"I'm such a dirty, dirty girl" sounds a lot better than "Too lazy to shower."
@
BettyLies
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I'm sorry but YouTube will never be as good as watching a guy get pegged in the nuts by a pineapple in real life.
@
fireland
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Accidentally hit the shmooze button on my clock this morning. Got up on time, but I had to drink bad scotch with two clients in my shower.
@
sloganeerist
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"Frankly I've seen better decisions from Paper Scissors Rock."
@
MeetingBoy
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I bet the hardest part of being a sushi chef is cutting the heads off mermaids.
@
badbanana
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Accidentally walked into the feminine hygiene aisle. I can feel myself disappearing from photographs.
@
thedayhascome
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I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a bloody toga today.
@
CroweJam
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"Mommy, I can hear your heart beeping."
It's beating, dear. Unless I'm a robot. Or a mini-van backing up.
Wait, are you calling me fat?
@
BettyLies
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Although Taylor Swift's iPhone app was written in C#, she deployed it as a surprisingly flat C♮.
@
hotdogsladies
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The Boy asked me to explain Daylight Saving Time.
Pretty sure he's more convinced than ever
that grown-ups are completely full of shit.
@
tj
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Received oral sex from a bus driver but--oddly--couldn't get off because she kept stopping.
@
MODAT
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Breaking News Update: "Google pullout from China imminent".
Cue condom jokes in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..
And we're live.
@
Punkrockie
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I put the ANIGAN in shenanigan. Again anigan.
@
blueyesbrunet
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Upon hearing brothels rate whores on a five diamond system, women think two things:
That's awful.
I'd be at least a three.
@
capricecrane
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"Dad, are you afraid of ghosts?"
"Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"
@
FriedWords
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