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[having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
eating spicy food before bed is like setting a poop alarm clock
More puyat, more eyebags, more fun.
THE FUTURE WILL BE FUN. HEY WOW ITS ALREADY THE FUTURE. NOW ITS THE FUTURE AGAIN. HERE IT IS AGAIN & NOW ITS GONE. NOW THIS TWEET'S THE PAST
I will travel back in time to when each and every one of you were 11 and craft you a very believable letter from hogwarts that rejects you
Had to wrestle an old lady for the last jar of prunes. "But I can't shit without them," she muffles through my headlock.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
House of Cards Spoiler: I will finally lose my virginity at age 53 to a plain but very kind Jo Ann Fabrics employee with a wooden foot
For my 8th grade science project, I ate an entire jar of peanut butter & fell down an even number of steps. My findings were nosebleedy.
Beats by Dre is cool. But have you heard of Beets by God? I'm Kirk Cameron here to tell you about the most fire salad ingredient of the year
Probably shouldn't have shouted "TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!" just now when my boss said that she's going to be out of the office tomorrow.