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1. Put chocolate chips in mouth.
2. Put peanut butter in mouth.
3. Chew.
4. Go outside and shriek at the moon because GOD I FEEL SO ALIVE!
2. Put peanut butter in mouth.
3. Chew.
4. Go outside and shriek at the moon because GOD I FEEL SO ALIVE!
Travel tip: as soon as the plane lands, stand in the aisle, ramming each other with your soulless moron faces chewing cud, you disgust me.
Sorry St. Patrick's Day, but I get drunk on cheap beer and beat up imaginary midgets for their money EVERY night.
Each night I jot down ideas for funny tweets.
First thing I read this morning:
OKAY I GOT MY SECOND WIND WHO CAN SMELL THAT
*proud tear*
First thing I read this morning:
OKAY I GOT MY SECOND WIND WHO CAN SMELL THAT
*proud tear*
The 5-year-old was up, "bored," at 5AM. Fuck UN sanctions. If any country ever tries to weaponize jetlagged children, we have to bomb it.
FYI - Testicles are not consider "lucky charms" in the corporate world.
Related - I'm visiting HR again.
Related - I'm visiting HR again.
Don't forget the reason for the season, how God sent his other son, Patrick, to free us from our leprechaun overlords. Amen.
"Sabbath" can signify "Saturday," "Sunday," or "ass-kicking metal," depending on the religion being referenced.
Leprechauns are freaky, but Chakakhanchauns are horrifying. If you hear the opening of "I Feel For You" in the woods, run.
You're upset because I wanted to have shower sex? OK, fine, just leave the stupid baby's present and let's go.
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