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Going for a classy St. Patrick's Day this year. Anyone know of a good green wine?

@badbanana

Me: "I have a groping problem"
HR rep: "With whom?"
Me: "Everyone"
HR rep: "Please let go of my thigh."

@lafix

I just punched what I thought was a paparazzi with a long lens. It was an old man with a wheat bread sub. Sorry.

@ConanOBrien

I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching the walls of my apartment now looking for a similar button.

@sha_suga

Hate. It's a powerful word. We use it to rate that which threatens our values, our beliefs, our way of life.
Anyway, totally hate broccoli.

@cravenheart

"I'm such a dirty, dirty girl" sounds a lot better than "Too lazy to shower."

@BettyLies

I'm sorry but YouTube will never be as good as watching a guy get pegged in the nuts by a pineapple in real life.

@fireland

Accidentally hit the shmooze button on my clock this morning. Got up on time, but I had to drink bad scotch with two clients in my shower.

@sloganeerist

"Frankly I've seen better decisions from Paper Scissors Rock."

@MeetingBoy

I bet the hardest part of being a sushi chef is cutting the heads off mermaids.

@badbanana

Accidentally walked into the feminine hygiene aisle. I can feel myself disappearing from photographs.

@thedayhascome

I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a bloody toga today.

@CroweJam

"Mommy, I can hear your heart beeping."
It's beating, dear. Unless I'm a robot. Or a mini-van backing up.
Wait, are you calling me fat?

@BettyLies

Although Taylor Swift's iPhone app was written in C#, she deployed it as a surprisingly flat C♮.

@hotdogsladies

The Boy asked me to explain Daylight Saving Time.

Pretty sure he's more convinced than ever
that grown-ups are completely full of shit.

@tj

Received oral sex from a bus driver but--oddly--couldn't get off because she kept stopping.

@MODAT

Breaking News Update: "Google pullout from China imminent".

Cue condom jokes in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..

And we're live.

@Punkrockie

I put the ANIGAN in shenanigan. Again anigan.

@blueyesbrunet

Upon hearing brothels rate whores on a five diamond system, women think two things:
That's awful.
I'd be at least a three.

@capricecrane

"Dad, are you afraid of ghosts?"

"Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"

@FriedWords

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