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After 30 years I still can't figure out how to pronounce "I'm a lesbian" so it doesn't sound like "keep bothering me."
@
poeks
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This bathroom stall was quite a find. Not only does the toilet paper come in a book but it also has its own phone and a view of the city.
@
MrBigFists
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Thank God for the time change! My family depends on the extra hours our kids spend in the fields, nuturing cannabis & de-cowpatting shrooms.
@
kambrock
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I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.
@
Zaius13
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I can guarantee my boss will never ask me "What's up YOUR ass?" again.
The look on his face when those anal beads came out, was priceless!
@
SlappNuttz
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Just ordered a Filet-O-Fish sandwich to go. I give it approximately three minutes before my car smells like Lilith Fair.
@
gordonshumway
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It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go fucking apeshit.
@
fireland
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Oh sure, you dip lobster in butter and you're "classy" but I dip my cheeseburger in butter and I'm "fat".
@
Miss_Cook
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Things that just weren't meant to be heated in a microwave: lettuce, mustaches, avocados, sarcasm, other microwaves, oranges. And that's it.
@
coreyhinds
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Report: "Gosselin Kids 'Depressed' By Kate's Dancing with the Stars Appearance."
It's no picnic for us either, kids.
@
capricecrane
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No school today, so I'm letting the kids choose where we spend the day. (Please pick the liquor store, please pick the liquor store... )
@
BettyLies
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My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
@
Zaius13
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First rule of Tickle-Fight Club: Do not tell your mommy, your daddy, or your constituents about Tickle-Fight Club.
@
CroweJam
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20 years ago today
@mrsmoltz
and I had our first date. A little late, but here's my feedback:
AAA+++ WOULD TAKE ON FIRST DATE AGAIN
@
Moltz
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Just heard a colleague say "muffin" so I shouted "MUFFINS!", except she was just using a pet name and long story short she's dead.
@
TiffanyJMoore
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Remember that the word "synesthesia" is spelled with a silent freshly mowed grass odor.
@
FakeAPStylebook
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Good morning beautiful breasts of my neighbor. How did you get inside these binoculars?
@
roughdiction
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My Hello Kitty tattoo is tingling! To the regret cave!
@
cpinck
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Nothing is over, cheese grater! NOTHING!
You drew first blood.
@
talks_in_maths
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"I pity the Flu" - Mr. T Cell
@
navanax
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