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If your profile pic is a shirtless selfie taken in your bathroom, you're 80% more likely to get drunk and drown in a lake this weekend. #USA
Lightning at Clearwater Beach, Florida, USA #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/0PjCFy9e8Q
if I ever sent you a text containing an exclamation point, that was a lie
.@menshumor You're not allowed to like Arrested Development. I think there is a Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives marathon that day for you.
Whenever someone texts me “bahaha” I like to pretend they’re hanging out with sheep.
You should have to pass a walking exam before you are allowed to carry an open umbrella
3 Leopards found this injured Impala. Instead of eating it they just walked away without eating it, Zambia #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/YpQgnR8iq2
Our Doomsday/Suicide Cult turned into a recipe exchange so gradually I don't think any of us even noticed.
If you’re having trouble “closing the deal” with a woman, just whisper “Nick Cave’s voice” and her panties will evaporate.
Change in your pocket, domesto cans on ice, your team on top, arms on swoll, a jam on the radio, and babes in the night. The American Dream.
