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omg I love your opinion about bullshit
Today I made a peanut butter and jelly burrito and ate it in under 30 seconds.
Stay tuned for more 'Andy is gross' updates.
[On a first date]
Hey do you wanna be on the same cell phone plan
key concepts to convey in a successful young adult novel:
1) Life is difficult
2) Oh shit though
3) You're a wizard
4) Holy shit dude
What do kids even talk to each other about? "Hey isn't it fun to be a socially acceptable sociopath?"
My bank is making me use the name of your first pet to reset your password. Thank you for reminding me of my dead dog Bank of America.
if you work at babies r us it’s a good idea to say “i work at babies r us, but I am not a baby, myself”
'Jesus' is actually a nickname for 'Terry'
"IT AINT A VACUUM CLEANER BRO!" - me heckling an inexperienced kid mowing the lawn
Life is about finding someone who's stupid enough to put up with your stupid for the rest of your stupid lives.
People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like "Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph."
WELL-COIFED MAN: Did you see the new bathroom chair? Wild
ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE: It's called a toilet, and it's changing the way we do business