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Please stop retweeting your less funny spouse
animals dont think. animals do. unleash ur inner animal with my new fragrance, Foreskin Explosion
I find it profoundly moving that Joan Rivers is up in heaven with Renee's old eyes.
All you need is abdominales.
bad news happens just so you dont have to wait for good news any more
One time at a party I got so wasted I passed out. When I woke up the next day all the dinosaurs were dead.
I've watched 17 episodes of Twin Peaks and I think I'm ready to say it -- Something suspicious is happening in this town
“Not every girl wants to be saved.” - Prince Charming
I cannot remember my first kiss but I can tell you where I was and what I was doing every time I've found out I've gotten a job.
Want to feel old? A baby born in 2013 has no idea who Macklemore is.
then he turned the t-shirt gun on himself...