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God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.
Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care!

Ha ha! Now you can't pick them up because you have no hands!

Uh-oh. Crows.
I love to watch my son sleep. His little chest rising and falling, his little shriek as he wakes up and sees me in my Naked Clown costume.
I just figured out that my asshole neighbor is using my Wi-Fi network. I'm gonna change the name of my network to "I fucked your wife".
I find when I'm asked what form of birth control I use, replying with "Obesity & The inability to attract a man" silences further queries.
The fact that my lack of concern no longer concerns me is what concerns me the most.
I like how your breasts make your breasts the only thing I notice.
I'm at the aquarium by myself, so naturally I'm going to meet my future husband or everything I've learned in movies is a lie.
The first step is admitting that you're a problem.
Whenever someone calls me irrational, I freak the fuck out.
Sweatpants were on sale at Walmart! And lo, I didst thusly fulfill mine white-trash destiny.
Alcohol is the best lube when life decides to screw you over.
How come PETA never investigated what Prince was doing to those doves to make them cry?
I remember the days before Lolcats. When my cat used to say things like a normal goddamn person. Now he thinks he's SO funny. Idiot.
Focus groups are still the best way to discover what people who don't value their time value.
If you are trying to get in my pants with flirty comments on my tweets? Don't bother.

This is Twitter. I have no pants to get into.
If they ever start a religion where the Holy Trinity is Profanity, Self-Reference, and The Rule of Three, fucking count me in.
"Honey, no guy will ever be good enough for our little girl. But I think this boy might be just right for your collection under the barn."
If what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas, why am I taking antibiotics?
My favorite interview question to ask: "How would you weigh an elephant using only twine and yams?" Punch me in the face, you get the job.
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