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Just gave candy to a Princess Elsa who turned to her dog & said "Look what I got!" & I'm turning off the porch light so I can cry in peace.
A new study says having children make both men and women more productive at work. Because u never wanna go home now that they've taken over.
Maybe instead of pretending to be a superhero one day a year you could pretend to be a good person the rest of the year
there's nothing wrong with interrupting an intense makeout session so you can brush out your bangs
My Halloween costume of "dude smoking weed in the Target parking lot and yelling about Obama" is going over poorly with the police.
Wearing my paint jeans and the brace I wear when my tendinitis flares up, and I didn't eat dinner so I guess my costume is Starving Artist
Every Halloween, I like to buy my yearly supply of bunion pads & pregnancy tests so it looks like I'm just putting together a weird costume.