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There's a full moon tonight. Make sure you check it out on Instagram.
Saw a country aiming nukes at me.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU WANT TODAY
the moon is like calm down and i'm like don't tell me what to do
[notices your dog has a slightly cleaner coat than my dog]
Me: u must wash him every 5 minutes
My dog: do u sleep in the washing machine
Be a thot
I'm sorry that I referred to your grandmas ashes as "old bae seasoning"
Women are like the force, you don't want to mess with their Dark Side.
u only have 1 life... did u just read that go read it again only 1 life... u only have 1 life... MAKE THE MOST OF IT, PET ALL THE DOGS
Friday night update: we went to a place that's a pizzeria on Yelp and when we got there it was 100% old people eating soup.
The final part of IQ tests should be an examination of how fast you move in crosswalks
Oh, that guy who thinks he's way better at entering your nightmares and terrorizing you than he actually is? That's Freddy Dunning-Kruger