Beers, boobies and beaches. Merica.

What idiot called them coffins and not mourning wood

The way characters in horror movies feel when the phone rings is the way I always feel when the phone rings.

crawling back pic.twitter.com/rG0At2Kl7t

it's about time we had a Disney princess who bites her nails and picks her nose and wears glasses and has bangs and a shitty credit score

This Memorial Day weekend, please remember those who died defending America as you pass out in a pool of vomit at your neighbor's barbecue.

Life needs more sweet tea. Merica.

I got interviewed by the Boston Globe. They are nice.  http://www.bostonglobe.com/arts/2013/05/23/with-daily-grace-videos-comedian-grace-helbig-builds-fan-base-online/ntPCVNQ4X4WG0SrkjFNCvK/story.html …

Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

Take a look in the envelope. That's right, it's every poem you ever wrote in high school. Just get me the cash, or I go public.

My kids said the robot voice in the bridge of "Get Lucky" sounds like "we'll rub a Mexican monkey" & now I can't hear it any other way

"He's no longer updating iTunes." - A very modern way of saying someone died

I shouldn't be laughing this hard omg pic.twitter.com/9XjLYRvguc

A cleaning service of men who think a hot girl is coming over in 20 minutes.

Many of you have written in, asking how a grown man with a family knows so much about Pokemon. And my answer is that I am very cool