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Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
Regis: Your final question, for a million: Name one way jet fuel could have melted steel
Me: Theres no way. Final answer
Regis: Holy shit...
Grammar Nazis have typo negative blood.
McDonalds is 90 which mean people shit their pants forever
I just want to live long enough to see people younger than me fail.
GAMERGATES ARE ANTS
Gamer [gey-mer] (noun): homicidally angry white virgin
GODS AND MONSTERS
I turn 33 tomorrow so if your Tinder search max is 32, goodbye forever.
"Why'd I stay at Dave's?" he cried as he furiously tries to scrub his dog's stains out of the carpet. "Why didn't I just get an Uber?"
[arrives 45 mins late to meeting]
Sorry I'm late [walks around table making everyone sniff my middle finger] that's Emma from accounting.