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THINGS I HOPE I FORGET
That thing in 3rd grade with the milk
Star Wars Episode I
All of 1997 except Wednesdays
How to breathe
you don't have to look or feel good to dunk on some shitty nerds holding your medium hostage because they can't deal with it getting better
whats a city where ppl listen to what you say and care
Every week is shark week if you're a seal
You're breaking up with me for "poor personal hygiene?"
[Girlfriend points at my crotch right as a footlong sub falls out of my pubes]
I feel like people born after 1990 don't even know who Monica Lewinsky is.
I haven't slept in 72 hours...
I'm paranoid about EVERYTHING...
I'm covered vomit...
Basically, parenting is a lot like doing Heroin...
you'll never get over it, but you'll get to the point where it doesn't bother you as much
*Gandalf enters your house and turns your wife into a bookshelf*
Goddammit Gandalf I told you to stop *turns to camera*
the Starbucks barista calls my name. everyone applauds. I grab my cup and limp out the door