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The louder you scream about preserving traditional marriage, the gayer you secretly are.
“ ” - me at a party
"People wait 10 seconds for a 6 second video to load." - Sales pitch for Vine
If we ever need a band to do a soundtrack for depression I nominate The National.
Build-A-Bear won't let you stuff your animal with asbestos or bees so what's the point
If a girl asks you a question, its better to just give her the truth, chances are she's asking you because she already knows the answer.
I'll earnestly listen to Kanye's new lyrics for 3 seconds before I picture Kim Kardashian and then it's 100% toilet flush.
How I flirt: *So, you like Hockey?*