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Promotional work w @david_ramsey @coltonlhaynes @emilybett & Perry The Pretzel. pic.twitter.com/eulIluFwbu
Your password must contain a capital letter, a number, you favorite character from Lost, hyroglyphics, & one line from Kid Rock's Bawitdaba.
You know how some websites suddenly start playing music & you get scared & annoyed? That's what having kids feels like all the time.
things i haven't learned in high school:
how to:
pay bills
buy a house
apply for college
but thank god i can graph a polynomial function
waiter? I'd like a coffee mug filled with your finest buttercream icing, please
I'm not prepared to live in a world where a tombstone might read, "He was a helluva guy. I mean my, my, my, like pelican fly."
*knock knock*
"whos there"
ITS ME
"its me who"
OPEN THE DOOR
"opem door who"
*gets eaten by zombies*
"...gets eateb by zombes who"
If you are a girl and you live in Los Angeles you don't get to complain. Ever.
On your first day at a new gig, if everyone wants to do some drugs, you just do the drugs. Shows you're a team player, ready for success.
Saying "Xbox, Doritos" will cause the all-new GamerProboscis™ to extend from the #XboxOne and pump Doritos® NachoSlurry™ down your throat.
Recording a new voicemail greeting is like being sucked into a vortex of self-hatred.
