Most popular recent tweets. Follow @favstar100 on twitter...
Great. Now I just need a pregnancy test that will tell me who knocked me up.
Remember, freshmen, the best way to impress new lady friends is to drink a LOT as fast as possible.
I wonder if people with HIV say "I've got the Magic in me."
I need to be kinder to myself. I need to focus on my inner goodness. I need to believe in love. I need to stop watching Oprah with my wife.
There's nothing sweeter than pillow talk. Of course, I don't understand her screams into the pillow like "MMMPPFFFMMPPPFFOOH!"
I'm so good at it, they should call it maestrobation.
There's just no reasoning with people who believe Jesus was a white man.
On a toilet, I sit facing the opposite way, like towards the wall. I hug the bowl with my legs & I grab the tank like a horse’s neck. Rodeo!
Twitter: Where everybody knows your shame.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s also on Twitter, who wears the pants in the relationship? No one?
Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999, only forty pounds heavier.
Studies show it's totally okay for me to just say "studies show" in front of whatever I want to say.
I never had a 4-hour boner. However, I used to have 4 boners an hour during my high school years, in gym, math, English and at funerals.
Somedays I feel like everyone received a manual at birth on how to live life, and the nurse spilled coffee all over mine.
I think that grabbing the bull by the horns is good advice. I also highly recommend kicking a rhino in the yam bag and fucking with sharks.
I only said love your neighbor as yourself because I was living next door to Scarlett Johansson.
I can't remember why I tied this string around my finger.

My son has a good memory. If he ever gets home from school, I'll ask him.
I wonder how many times blind people have washed their dishes with ketchup.
The last time I was in Tacoma I was so stoned I ate a cup of sand. The digestion was hell but the outcome was a beautiful glass Chihuly.