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Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.
I feel a little left out when song lyrics speak directly to the DJ and people on the dance floor. I'm in my car.
The road to weight loss is a long one.
That's why I've pulled into a drive-thru to get a cheeseburger and fries to tide me over.
That's why I've pulled into a drive-thru to get a cheeseburger and fries to tide me over.
Sometimes I feel pretty accomplished. Then I remember how often I have to sing myself the alphabet song.
Some mornings I just don't feel like getting drunk and throwing garbage at passing cars but who am I to question God's plan.
Your hand bone's connected to my hip bone. My hand bone's connected to your pants bone...and here's...where the song...turns to porn.
First thing I do with a new calculator app: attempt divide by zero.
2nd: Ask myself why I have a list of things to do with new calculators.
2nd: Ask myself why I have a list of things to do with new calculators.
It smells like sexual frustration and Mountain Dew in the hallway. So I know the IT trolls are nearby.
Her: I want to ask if she's pregnant.
Me: Is she crowning and asking for the nearest Labor & Delivery room?
Her: No.
Me: Then don't ask.
Me: Is she crowning and asking for the nearest Labor & Delivery room?
Her: No.
Me: Then don't ask.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.
I've been breaking my addictions;
No soda - 9 months
No Xbox - 6 months
No smoking - 3 weeks
No masturbating - 1 minute 58 seconds
No soda - 9 months
No Xbox - 6 months
No smoking - 3 weeks
No masturbating - 1 minute 58 seconds
Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.
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