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I always carry a cup of coffee, just in case I have to engage in an intellectual conversation.
"Ebola is spreading to the US. I need ideas"
*Biden raises hand*
*deep sigh* “Ok… Joe?"
Wouldn't a Hamburglar steal ham?
My neighbor has a large poodle, I am building a poodle saddle, one day I will ride this majestic beast
Why stop at keying someone's car? Key their whole family if you really want to send a message
Before cars were invented you used to have to key someone's horse
remember that one time we let Paris Hilton become famous
[3 seconds into an argument] ...well, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT and you're correct
Want to feel old? Yesterday was three days ago
"I'M SURE YOU'RE ALL NICE PEOPLE" -What I'm going to start yelling at opening bands