Why are all the good ones either married, gay, or turned off by your numerous physical and emotional flaws?

Sometimes you just gotta whip out the D and see what happens.

the day my crush likes me back is going to be the day victorias secret calls me and asks me to model for them

Looking gay with earrings

Only three things in life are guaranteed: death, taxes, and briefly dating Taylor Swift.

How many Potterheads can retweet this tweet? #HP2 pic.twitter.com/I0VszPhS

Don t worry if you are not computer

Amazing New York City Skyline #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/jvhusmOE1M

btw if you're against gay marriage, in like 10 years you'll be considered the same as racists, so i'd jump ship and join team equality now

Going to drink beer and do various household chores today, including the assembly of a BBQ.

What sucks is that the person who wins $600 million is gonna be the kind of person who buys lottery tickets.

Women are like snowflakes...cold and horrible

do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone

Winning X-Games events

If I won the Powerball the first thing I’d do is buy an entire cart of groceries at Whole Foods.