Me and Norris at the soap awards throwing onion bahjis at Masood for bants #Barlowed

If you ask me to see you in a play I’ll have you arrested.

1969, Jimmy Hendrix y Mick Jagger. pic.twitter.com/rnMZPvVck3

beautiful pic.twitter.com/jUvMgotbAx

A Morning Glory Cloud over the Gulf of Carpentaria, Australia #EarthPics pic.twitter.com/eIozofI9ZF

We all have that one ex who changed us....

😒😔

She's hurt a lot more than you think.

meeting women is easy. first, go to a place where women congregate, such as a pond or a windmill. then you wait…days, months, maybe years

Wait, Taco Bell is a chain restaurant?

I bet the Domino’s Pizza Tracker is pretty good at tracking depression too.

Sometimes you just gotta whip out the D and see what happens.

I'll be one of the red carpet hosts for @youtube's #ComedyWeek "Show Before the Show" LIVE at 5pm PST. Watch here:  http://www.youtube.com/comedyweek 

the day my crush likes me back is going to be the day victorias secret calls me and asks me to model for them

It's sad when the people who gave you the best memories, become a memory.

HELP THE CUSTOMER DIED BEFORE HE COULD SAY "WHEN" AND I CAN'T STOP GRATING THIS CHEESE