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IN THE MOOD TO WIN A BUNCH OF AWARDS
Close getting to thrown out a bar for getting too excited while explaining attack on titian
murderer: any last words?
me: you need to love yourself
So you're a magician? What's your best trick
"Making a woman disappear"
Let's see it
*I walk up to a woman*
Hi I'm a magician
*she runs off*
CASSIO DE 2012 IS BACK
"Being a gay is a choice" is pretty much a code for "I'm one Margarita Monday away from changing my whole life."
Tinder is weird and gross. I don't think humans were meant to scroll through potential mates like a deck of herpes cards.
there are people who care about your business. then there are people who just want to know your business.
Kids are adorable the way they suck the life out of their parents.
Wanting to be an artist is just admitting to yourself that you're in more pain than buying a yacht could ever fix
My depression tastes like two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
Me: extremely happy
Me 2 min later: mad af at anything and everything don't even tell me you like my shirt I will hate you