The louder you scream about preserving traditional marriage, the gayer you secretly are.

“ ” - me at a party

"People wait 10 seconds for a 6 second video to load." - Sales pitch for Vine

If we ever need a band to do a soundtrack for depression I nominate The National.

#StarWars costumes: Nailed it. pic.twitter.com/GsqcC24Ld0

Build-A-Bear won't let you stuff your animal with asbestos or bees so what's the point

.@hbo Can you vaccinate yourself from herpes if you rub an “Entourage” DVD on your privates?

If a girl asks you a question, its better to just give her the truth, chances are she's asking you because she already knows the answer.

(•_•)
<) )>
/ 8=======D
/ \

I'll earnestly listen to Kanye's new lyrics for 3 seconds before I picture Kim Kardashian and then it's 100% toilet flush.

This billboard is a liar. Hate that they own that domain too. RT @toddglass: pic.twitter.com/DohNGYJ96p

How I flirt: *So, you like Hockey?*

Yes. Its Life.... pic.twitter.com/o9GU7gN7EQ

THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO THE #NoFilterShow, BOSTON! YOU DELIGHTED ME AND RUINED MY VOICE.

Hola. pic.twitter.com/eKDjAfFgGs