twitter = words without friends

I buy all my drinking clothes at Bourbon Outfitters.

RIP Lady Gaga, RIP Obama, RIP Justin Bieber, and now RIP Skrillex Twitter definitely kills more people than Lord Voldemort.

My favorite ridiculous music snack is OK Gogurt.

Are you fucking joking? You're probably already dead, but yes, they can. RT @lesleyarfin: Yo, can owls attack?

I believe in true love, pizza, and the true love of pizza.

Not one of your exes wants you back. Please. Look at yourself. You're talking to imaginary people on the goddamn internet.

Throw a massive house party with tons of people.

I ate an entire birch sapling tonight. My stomach is so full of lively wood, digesting its energy. My limbs will be lengthened by morning.

I bet when Emos get romantic they're all,
"See you in the next life when we're both cats."

We're all crazy, funny, wise, alcoholic, totally deranged, sexually frustrated, broke social misfits.

You know...good people.

If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there’d be a lot less men tweeting about what they do to socks.

My nephew said he wanted to grow up to be Batman so I murdered his parents.

Bradley Cooper seems like the kind of guy who would have been on MTV's Road Rules.

Love isn't a battlefield. It's a murder-suicide.