Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the "life of the party."

Build-A-Bear won't let you stuff your animal with asbestos or bees so what's the point

.@hbo Can you vaccinate yourself from herpes if you rub an “Entourage” DVD on your privates?

If a girl asks you a question, its better to just give her the truth, chances are she's asking you because she already knows the answer.

I'll earnestly listen to Kanye's new lyrics for 3 seconds before I picture Kim Kardashian and then it's 100% toilet flush.

This billboard is a liar. Hate that they own that domain too. RT @toddglass: pic.twitter.com/DohNGYJ96p

How I flirt: *So, you like Hockey?*

Yes. Its Life.... pic.twitter.com/o9GU7gN7EQ

THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO THE #NoFilterShow, BOSTON! YOU DELIGHTED ME AND RUINED MY VOICE.

Hola. pic.twitter.com/eKDjAfFgGs

Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today, but eventually.

I'm that guy at Sasquatch Fest who looks like a NARC. pic.twitter.com/KLFWMVu8q4

Let's see who rules Twitter!

Short VS Tall

Retweet: 5'6 and under
Favorite: 5'7 and over

David Stern, "From this point on, Lebron turnovers count as two points for the Heat."

Lebron two turnovers in the last two possessions of a playoff game. You know, just like Jordan. #Lebroff