One a scale from 1 to Sacha Baron Cohen, how Angelina Jolie are you?

Ladies: anytime you feel sad about being unmarried; put in Goodfellas and watch how much more fun the Girlfriends are having than the Wives.

Hey dude u busy? Just called 2 ask whats ur fave April Lavigne song BUT before u say anything plz know I might get mad if its not Sk8r Boy

The more damaged I get, the more solid I become

Abandon all hope, ye who enter McDonald's drive-thru.

It's only racist if nobody laughs.

I bet Bigfoot is really sensitive about the size of his feet and you name-calling jerks forced him to hide in the woods.

Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible tweeter.

the secret to life is doing just enough so that everyone leaves you the fuck alone.

If we're talking about guilt trips, then yes, my mother is the travel agent you want to go to.

What's your favorite season of Firefly?

Everytime I hit send on a particularly good tweet, I get paranoid that I saw it on someones TL and just don't remember.

I saved a ton of money on Viagra by having pigtails.

I don't understand, why did you give him my trophy?

hold all my calls! (they are very lonely)

@CobaltKitsune I've never read such pure excellence before.

I'll be heels over head with you before I'm head over heels for you.

Thinking about having new followers sign a non-disclosure agreement.

Do you ever look around and wonder what Darius Rucker would have made of all this, were he still alive?

I just watched these teens crossing a big pothole. All the girls helped each other across. ALL the boys tried to make each other fall in.