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Hold my hand
Lead my way
Hug me tight
Kiss me hard
In my ear
If you go to a Kid Rock concert you have a 75% chance of contracting hepatitis.
I like it when people aren't worthless jerks.
I keep shouting out "Broccoli" at inappropriate times.
Apparently I have "Florets Syndrome."
*moonwalks out of the room*
Pay attention to the quiet ones, because they're the ones that pay attention to you when everyone else is gone.
*son playing ipod
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG'S ON FIRE
A dating website, but they match by levels of damage and pathology, instead of hobbies and interests.
Well that's just great. I lost two followers retweeting you.
Your message was sent, received, seen, ignored, screen captured, sent to friends and ridiculed.
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
I asked to pet your dog, not to have a conversation.
The only thing comical about my tweets lately is all the bad choices I've made throughout my entire life..
I became an expert on women by breaking a few to see how they worked. Needless to say, some pieces were missing when put back together.
Twitter is trending a new level of "normal" adjust your expectations.
my life is a lot like ikea furniture with missing instructions. i'll get it together eventually but it won't ever feel quite right
*pushes you down a well*
You're not what I wished for!
The thing is, I want it to matter.
All of it.
It's ok. Some of my best friends are terrible people.