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Anyone wanna go halfsies on a midlife crisis with me?
You are the love of my twitter
Thanks for @'ing me cuz I meant to block u last week but forgot what ur Twitter handle was.
Objects in mirror are not as put together as they appear.
The waiter made my leftover foil into a beautiful swan and I can't even make a paper airplane fly without it exploding.
Hope for the best, but prepare to drink heavily.
I carve my pumpkins with a hatchet. And I can't understand why boyz don't want to date me??
You should see what Canadians can do with maple syrup.
Sometimes you need to be the strong one in the family to break down the wall of darkness
Save money on expensive alarm clocks by snorting amphetamines.
Don't waste good booze on bad memories
Your jealousy is SO unbecoming, he said trying to mount passing women.
If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
Life wants you to know it's done handing out lemons. It's moved on to a pile of old broken shit it found while cleaning out it's basement.
I wish I understood what you were seeing so I could stop showing it to you.
It's not you, it's your lack of wine
I can tweet from my phone with either hand, I guess that makes me ambi•text•rous.
Mo' money mo' problems might be true, but I'd still like to find out for myself.
Yoga pants are one of the greatest things God has done for men.
I see your cherry stem trick
and tie my tittays in a knot