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I don't even like peas, but given a choice, I'd rather have his peas than her peas.
Everything that pulls at my heart, calling my name is found over the horizon, beyond fear.
🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult. 🎶
Being an expert at video games doesn't make you a trained killer.
Get out of the basement and join the Marines.
Tell her how to write funnier tweets.
OMG, chicks dig that so hard.
Wait, no...correct her instead!
Panty ex-plo-sion city, bro.
▫️A Christmas Carol
▫️A Parents Dream
SONY is now recalling all of your North Korea Twitter jokes.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When I rise up
let me rise up joyful
like a bird.
When I fall
let me fall without regret
like a leaf.
This bar aint big enough for the 2 of us
U shd hit th duty traal
we dun tak kkndly
Don't hold your breath on them coming back to you if they ever ask you for permission for time away to breathe.
Anticipation may be the most potent aphrodisiac
Not sure if a woman is angry?
Think carefully: is there anything, anything at all you may have done in the last decade to anger her?
Now that I have you,
...what exactly should I do with you?
Does anyone know the way back to the island of misfit toys?
Sony bends to terrorist threats and decides not to release Seth Rogen's "The Interview."
WHERE WERE THESE GUYS WHEN GREEN HORNET CAME OUT?
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I'm also good at directions
I'll apologize for being sarcastic when people apologize for being ignorant.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Trying to act sober is when I am at my most drunk