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A person who survives a suicide pact cannot be trusted, no matter how guilty they claim to feel.
I hate people who wait for closer parking spots to the gym. Like ??????¿?¿¿
Wherever there are children, there should be tiny handcuffs.
*wakes up hungover
*struggles but is able to get pants on
*realizes it's a shirt
"shit this is a shirt"
*decides easier to wear shirtpants
Being gay isn't a choice. But so what if it was? Sure beats the decision to be a hateful prick.
A friendship cannot be sustained by one person's effort alone.
There is no "I" in team unless Apple gets ahold of it one day. iTeam will change everything.
"Stay home spoon. You're not needed here. I'm 'bout to get elbow deep in this yogurt. But first, lemme take this bib off."
I don't think I was meant to be happy... but I'm not gonna let that stop me.
How do you let go of the only thing you've ever wanted
Darkness can be beautiful
The unknown intriguing
What is beyond
Can be revealing
If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.
Just remember that one day your tweets will suck and you can remove the favstar link from your bio and call everyone else favstar fags.
I prefer Vodka over People. Sure drinking leads to liver failure. But people? They are the leading cause of Heart failure.
There are 2 reasons why we don’t trust people:
1. We don’t know them.
2. We do know them.
You keep reminding yourself it's not your fault, when deep down you believe you deserved it because you should have known better.
Jesus: Wine? WINE?!?
J: You were supposed to bring those mini quiches!
J: Not like this is my LAST supper or anything.
Just once Id like to see a realistic tampon ad, with a woman crying herself to sleep with a half chewed mars bar hanging out her mouth.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.