Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I still really want to hurt Boy George.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.
The Tin Man produces a scalpel they'd kept hidden inside The Scarecrow, passes it to The Lion and whispers, "the courage is in her stomach".
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me: Good Morning, Is there coffee?
Her: There's a coffee-maker.
Me: Is that you?
Hard worker. Pretty sweet moves. A little rougher than expected which was a bonus. Excellent hair-puller. 4/5
~ My Yelp review of your dad
I don't like when women carry guns. I always preferred a woman who liked to kill the old fashioned way. Years of subtle mental terrorism.
I'm like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
All the words, none of the understanding.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty"
- me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Eau du toddler.
A new fragrance thay smells like mac and cheese, tantrum sweat, and the acrid finish of vomit.
Welcome to adult life where waiting for direct deposits to hit your bank account at midnight is actually a real thing.
I can't be the only person who's noticed that only flat animals cross the road
Smile a language which is guaranteed to get you a response breaking all barriers..
She's beautiful, all of her.
Family-size frozen lasagna, you say? I rub my hands together, excited to begin this voyage of discovery.
Insecurity. The self-inflicted wound that never heals.
This joke format is stupid. Nobody can wink forever.
*winks for an extended but realistic period of time
Love yourself. Even harder when you're a damn mess.