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I'm at my most athletic when I have to use a filthy restroom.
I'm adventurous until he starts lowering the lotion in the basket.
I wish some video game characters were real...
Like Tony Hawk.
"Dude, Tony Hawk is-"
WHAT IF TONY HAWK WAS REAL
*pumps up the jam*
*jam oozes down the walls and cabinets*
*knocks beet over*
And that's how I dropped the beet.
5yo: What's in the bag?
Me: It's mistletoe, buddy. Now go back inside.
Listen, I'm sorry. That was way out of line.
I have no problem with the horse you rode in on.
Heart on my sleeve
Chip on my shoulder
They are not "Gay Rights," they are Human Rights, and everyone is entitled to them, regardless of orientation.
As I turn the page to write another chapter, I wonder if this book is even worth sharing.
Don’t even try to catch me if you can’t throw me.
Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British
I only decorate the side of the tree facing the street because I don't want my family to know joy.
I defy you to spend more than 30 minutes inside a Toys 'R' Us store in December and not come out singing and praising glory to Amazon.
Not to brag.
But my Twitter crush has teeth.
My favourite hobbies usually involve surgical spirits, stainless steel, a sparkling lance and shiny tweezers. I also like reading.
Happy people are shitty tweeters.
You're so pretty. What filter did you use?
That tough exterior hides the most fragile of hearts.
If she asks you if she looks fat, just say yes. She'll learn not to ask stupid questions.
The mind is both the poison and the antidote. Weird.