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Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
How to get me to like you:
Help me, plate of nachos. You're my only hope.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
'But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!'
-I say to HR during my exit interview
-Me reading your tweets.
I have no idea what that means. But I like it.
You know that feeling when you wake up energized and ready to take on the world...
Yeah, me neither.
If you feel it deeply, why wouldn't you say it? It's a short life, we don't get many chances.
Me: *does the robot for 5 minutes*
Interviewer: I meant what skills do you have related to the job.
They don't know you like I know you. But they can sense that you're something special. That's how your magic works.
If I win MegaMillions tonight the line to blow me will be visible on Google Earth.
Yes, it's rude of you to interrupt me when I'm staring at my phone ignoring you.
Sincerity is also a gift... even if you don't understand it...
even if you do not like...
We should celebrate kindness
In life you have to learn 3 things:
1. Do not beg anyone.
2. Do not trust anyone.
3. Do not expect anything from anyone .
I wrote a song about hamburgers. What have you done with your life?
Promise me you won't walk away in the middle of our song.
Being drunk at 7am is fine if you just keep yelling that you're on vacation... even if you're not on vacation and working at ihop.
At least by dying inside, I get to keep my looks.