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The fact that I still have a baby bottle cleaning brush & my baby is 19 should tell you all you need to know about how easy I let things go.
It's kind of nice, not having to pretend to be happy.
Breathing you in like I only need you to breathe.
People just walking around falling in love like no one's ever warned them
I sleep around.
...I sleep on the couch, chair, bed...in the office.
Once at a UFC fight, a hotdog got thrown into the ring & I instinctively went in after it, knocking out both fighters in my frantic scramble
10 likes this girl so I'm going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we're getting our bikes to ride around her house
Everything I learned from Jerry Mcguire: athletes want ALL the money
the human head weighs 8lbs
René Zellweger just doesn't do it for me
Radio: TLC's "Waterfalls"
"Never mind kids, we're not going waterfall chasing today, we're going back to that lake we know real well."
If you've pissed off a redhead, running like hell might be for you.
How dare room service question "how many people" I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
16: Mom, I hit a tree and totaled the car.
Is anyone hurt?
*sigh* Can you find a ride home? I'm already in my pajamas.
“The right tool for every job,” I say primly, as I spear piccalilli with the tip of this Phillips-head.
Sometimes you need a smile from a stranger when you're lost in the crowd.
Time will tell, but you won’t like what it has to say.
Someone just gave me the finger and I totally agree.
I'd rather have someone show me how to do something than tell me for 2 reasons: 1 I don't listen 2. Maybe they'll give up and do it for me
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.