Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
If you can't make me happy, horny or money, then we're probably married.
Most of women's car accidents occur at 'yeild' signs because all men know they can't understand the concept of letting something go.
The chivalry bar is so low these days that holding the door open for an elderly couple at IHOP is equally impressive to slaying a dragon.
Sometimes the best way to distract yourself from pain is to create a worse pain. So buddy up and do DIY Brazilians with duct tape.
I can't find parking. Free Hyundai in East Hollywood.
I think instead of Followers, Twitter should have called them Enablers...
Happy Halloween or as retailers call it, Christmas Eve.
You don't "get" Twitter? Oh, so I suppose you have a job, a functioning liver, and a spouse who still speaks to you? Whatever.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making women think they have to be perfect to be loved.
The main ingredient in all casseroles is sadness.
A Black Bear chased down & clawed a 12-y-o girl in Mich. As a society we have to ask, if it was a White Bear would we be talking about it?
In her 30's and listens to Taylor Swift? She WILL set your shit on fire when you dump her.
In her 40's? Kiss your family pet bye bye.
These "fun size" candy bars have become so small it's nearly impossible to hide the razor blades.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
This is your Captain speaking. Since Todd the co-pilot is being a jerk and not sharing his cashews we may experience a little turbulence
Do squirrels ever have nut allergies?
I like to pass out candy to trick-or-treaters while wearing safety goggles and using tongs. Then I wish them "good luck" as they walk away.