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Absinthe makes the heart grow crazy.
There's something ironic about The Walking Dead season premiere being on Valentine's Day.
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes
Sorry I tried to take off your clothes while you were crying.
Adult coloring books seem to work. I used heavy pressure, the black crayon, and completely covered the entire page. I do feel better.
*gets back on track*
*gets hit by train*
A stripper carpool is really just a clam tram.
Feeling crazy tonight, so basically it's business as usual.
I envisage group DMs to be like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a bunch of crazy people inappropriately shouting out short sentences.
That ah ha moment of parenting when you realize you need them more than they'll ever need you
A Fitbit, but one that warns people when they're pissing me off.
When you arrive at your Super Bowl party immediately eat an entire football in front of everyone to establish dominance.
“Why don’t we settle this in the dojo?” I say, karate-chopping a stack of graham crackers. Nana backs down. As usual.
Just heard the phrase 'deep couch sitting' and now I have a new life goal.
I sure overreact a lot for someone who's dead inside.
-how I win every argument
We dance until the music stops
Kiss long after midnight
Hold tight in our sleep
Love past the point of hurt
When you feel the pull of her across all of that time and distance, you'll know the force of gravity.
Know your own heart. People will try their damnedest to doubt it, to dirty it, to slander it. Know it well, for you will have to defend it.
We're all telling a story.
*listens intently to yours