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oh, it's just that…I haven't done an updog joke in days
don't try to cheer me up
naked and eating roast beef under the pale fridge light at 5am
My kid asked me this morning if heaven is real. I'm spending today making a Powerpoint to answer her question... an Atheist Powerpoint
Don't hate me because I'm good looking.
Hate me because I'm also an incredible dancer.
Ben Carson says people choose to be gay. I can see how he'd believe that since he's a brain surgeon who chose to be an idiot.
Saw 2 guys trying to push a lady's car out of a snowbank. I was in a hurry & felt bad driving by. Otherwise I would've stopped & taken a pic
Just watched a "prank" video where some guy drove around cutting off "man buns" because he thought they were a stupid hairstyle
YOU: what's updog
ME: hahahaha, you're so stupid. hahaha updog is a joke
I feel a certain sense of relief when a friend announces she's pregnant like somehow it means I'm safe from it for a little while longer.
These illusions ain't loyal.
Urgent: This chihuahua looks like Hitler http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11448690/Adolf-the-dog-that-looks-like-Hitler.html … pic.twitter.com/erLTNAuw2z
Unexpected compliments from those you adore and respect truly are the best, they lift you up, make your day instantly; such sweet gestures.