Tweeted from Favstar

157% of marriages with Disney Land honeymoons end in murder.

@Molly_Kats

This Joke About Song Titles (Has Been Used A Lot) (Reprise)

@loganerik

Without coffee, we're all zombies aren't we?

@kocai_

Don't take it personally when I say I'd do more to get a piece of cake than to save your life, mom. I'm on my period, you know how it is.

@sirrruh

Around my neighborhood I'm known as Slug Man. Mainly because I go around and pour salt on all the slugs. Then eat them.

@TeddyFatThax

I think I may have chased another one away by just being myself. Oh self, why you make people sick of you?

@Duffman06021979

If it didn't work out the first time, it wont work out the second. Or the third. Or the fourth. There was a reason...

@StickyickyBuns

Somebody needs to call an exorcist for that kid in the smuckers commercial because he's clearly being obsessed by his obsessive dead grandpa

@Hammer_Toe

If my wife found my twitter page, shit would get real complicated.

@venomjunkie2

“She loves me I’M SO SORRY She loves me not FORGIVE ME She loves me I’M A MONSTER she loves me not SOMEBODY STOP ME…”– love-struck botanist

@MelvinofYork

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
1). ummmm...
hang on a minute, I'm thinking...

@hidingfromme

I can't wait to hit the mic this week with @carrence this week. Thanks to @stitcherradio for making my madness possible.

@jtswhipped

"Women between the ages of 18 & 34 love Steven Tyler. Just look at these surveys from last century." - Burger King's Marketing Director

@jamonthirteen

Put down the bat and pick up a feather.

@calluptome

Follow me to my bathroom and see me shit.

@Creepy_Indian

This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.

@jon_albo

dont drink and drive, you might hit and bump and spill it

@martina459

If people have a jesus fish on their car and it's raining it's technically legal to harpoon it

@laurencesmb

I feel bad for my brother. He might have to live in his truck if he tells me once more that I need to call our mother.

@RememberNguyen

I feel so lazy I’ll just stand here with this cocktail shaker in my hand and wait for an earthquake.

@DatBarberCanCut

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