Recent tweets that are newly discovered

Fuck Me Boots™: not a euphemism since 1969.

@lafix

That sex was so bland I think we just consomméd our relationship.

@awryone

If you have to argue & cite examples showing that you're not a slut; you're a slut.

@jane_bot

There's a show on the History Channel right now called "Jesse James' Hidden Treasure". Those guys are fast.

@avi1111

Yesterday I lost 8 followers making fun of Jersey. Tonight I make fun of the late pope: nothing. This tells us a lot about Twitter.

@kolchak

I can't control my urge to pull tube tops down.

@conanobrienswyf

EHarmony is having a free subscription weekend. Cool! I'm looking for someone who's normally too cheap or poor to join a dating service.

@hacopianhere

Since when did anal sex become acceptable high school dancing?

@bitterpuss

I will NEVER chaperone a school dance again. The girls bend over and grind the guys erections and I'm BUSTED for having a glass of wine.

@bitterpuss

There's a new birth control pill for women. Twitter DM.

@tammyphinney

I apologize for the relative infrequency of my Tweets today. I think my neighbor forgot to pay his Internet bill.

@jasonmustian

Shut up! A lot of people poop on the changing table in public bathrooms. I just happen to be a bit older than most.

@sucittaM

Beer made in a factory will never touch my lips because I brew my own.
Ludd Lite.

@awryone

I've decided, the only way I'm going to make leaderboard is if I stand up naked and turn around very slowly. .

@tammyphinney

The best part about tailgating a slow motorcyclist in the fast lane with your big truck is that he can't pull that brake-check shit.

@Freakdad

Beauty is everywhere. Brains not so much.

@TheBosha

Imagine my surprise when they sent me an aviatrix. Stupid fly by night escort service.

@badbanana

Just think of me as a barbie you'll never get to play with.

@Rzou

No babies were harmed in the making of these tweets. But a onesie and a white t-shirt were ruined.

@MissCarlyPants

Sticks and stones may break your bones; but call her the wrong name during sex, and she *WILL* hurt you.

@ruthakers

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