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30 minutes?
I want to hear that from the pizza.
Put the pizza on the phone.

@awryone

If these walls could talk, I know it wouldn't be more than a couple of days before I'd try and put my díck in its mouth.

@BillMc7

Thank you all for the password suggestions. I want to particularly thank the hot girl who suggested "Sod off." Not once, but 26 times.

@cravenheart

I think I need to get a new hobby that doesn’t include restraining orders.

@Suck_A_Duck

2's swim coach said she's making progress and finds she's most successful on her back.

Took every ounce of restraint not to say "So am I!"

@ruthakers

I smell sex and candy.

I hate being Willy Wonka's roomate.

@Rickster_01

I put my underwear on like anyone else. Backwards, two legs in one hole, falling down then decide it's easier to go without.

@Aimee_B_Loved

Sometimes I get off on the wrong foot because foot porn sites don't show you the person's face.

@plaid_lemur

This is the time of year my allergies start to kick in. And by allergies, I mean excuses as to why I can't mow the lawn.

@WadetoBlack

So scientists have developed a cloak of invisibility. Big deal. I can stand at an AT&T customer service desk and get the exact same effect.

@TiffanyJMoore

People forget how persecuted big butts were before Sir Mix-A-Lot.

That's why the Queen knighted him.

@capricecrane

I still have a couple of friends who haven’t joined Facebook.

They’re the ones I’ve decided to keep.

@cpinck

My wife is gonna feel so stupid when I tell her that 'Exasperating Husband' is just a character I've been developing since we got married.

@Zaius13

When I was your age, Pluto was a planet and also we had Spring.

@ImAVeronica

The dry cleaners around the corner totally overcharged me. They really took me to the cleaners. But like, again. Or something. Goddamn it.

@tehawesome

Excitedly Shazaming a song only to see it's the Black Eyed Peas is the new chlamydia.

@scottsimpson

I think the best thing about being illiterate would be making all that money from writing The Da Vinci Code.

@plaid_lemur

I want to sex ewe up. No homophone.

@iamnotdiddy

My life needs more spontaneous orgasms.

You're just sitting there. Minding your own business. And?

*choir of angels singing*

"I see God!"

@bedheadblonde

"Dad, did you want to be a janitor when you grew up? Or did that just happen?"

@iamnotdiddy

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