I imagine lil' Smokeys is exactly what snookis' penis looks like...

When I drink in the morning, I put it in a coffee cup and totally blow on it so the neighbors don't think I'm a bad parent

I like to think this hash cough is a killer workout for my abs...

My uncle told me that if I don't push back when he's behind me, then I'm totally NOT gay...I believe him

Really, @favstar? you can't give a guy a free month trial so he can become addicted and steal the credit card from the wife?

What the hell, ladies? How is,"I can tuck my dick so far back, it looks like a vagina" not an awesome pick-up line?

Shouldn't it really be called Mor-momism?

If it rains on 4/20, does it smell like bong water?

Gentle enough to pick a flower,yet strong enough to move fallen trees,the camel-toe of the the Great North American Jew is a sight to behold

Wife said "pitter-patter of my heart", thought she said "beer-battered dog fart"

Meanwhile, back at the batcave, shot, Bong rip, jerking it and crying to the picture that comes with the frame

Trying to teach my 2 yr how to play high school musical 3 dance, now I wish I could cut my ears, eyes, and frontal lobe off...

First I rub out a load to your avi's, then check @favstar and stroke my mental cock till a huge stream of brain-cum squirts outta my nose.

Twitter is the cocaine of social media, while Facebook is cyanide...

You know when you scratch your balls and then smell your hand and think, "she puts those in her mouth?!"

If your blackmailing a black guy, is it just mailing?

Just checked my favstar; time to cut myself, jackoff, and feed the cat... JK, I don't have a cat

How do you teach a 2 yr the diff between "throwing to" and "throwing at" my balls?

All my daughter wants to do is climb on the table, and all my son wants to do is PUSH HER THE FUCK OFF OF THE TABLE!

My mom always told me,"if you keep making that face, its gonna freeze that way." Now I have cancer. Thanks mom.