I'm bored, think I'll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

If I won't do it, drunk me will

Guys, you make fun of our huge purses until the moment we're at the movies and we start pulling out candy, soda, chips, Taco Bell...

I smoke after I workout. I workout to be skinny not healthy

Cause fuck that

I always give road head, cause I automatically get control of the radio after.

Those are the rules

Guys who keep thier private parts nicely groomed...

Adoraballs

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Yeah but was he "lick his balls" cute?

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain ;)

If you didn't jump from the couch to the coffee table to avoid the hot lava then what kind of fucked up childhood did you have?

There is NO fight so bad that a good blow job couldn't fix

Prison's not a big deal if you're a girl cause of all the pillow fights and stuff

Just sit back, relax, and let me try to suck your eyeballs out through your cock

Perfect woman:

No gag reflex

Been doing kegels since puberty

Relaxes sphincter muscle on command

Its ironic how the last guy on earth you would ever sleep with, is the one with the most confidence at the bar to talk to you

I'm scared hold me...

With both hands...

Under my shirt

Pro tip: want to get him to notice you?

Put his cock in your mouth.

You're welcome

I think Twitter has crack in it

Just when I have one Twitter crush, BAM! there's 4 more that I totally wanna starfuck!

My doctor just upped my meds. I cleaned my house, worked out, fucked my bf, made dinner, went shopping, got in a fight...I love my doctor