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Retweet if you know someone who is still alive because you can't afford a hitman
How is it that homeless guys get access to a sharpie?
Parents-- how hard is it to tell your kids to go outside and play when your face is stuck on twitter?
Whats up with kids running lemonade stands acting like they never heard of vodka
Filled my car up with gas today, doubled it's blue book value #winwin
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth sinking into your shoulder as you pound me like a rag doll
Mommy drinks because you cry --explaining alcoholism to children
My cat thinks it's fun to wake me up early on the weekend, I think it's fun to put him in the tub and turn the shower on
I only like logging into Facebook on Fridays to play my favorite game of-- you say TGIF I say delete as friend
Every time the Wizard of Oz is on I feel the need to drop acid
You had me at "open bar"
Birth control for me is being around other people's kids
99 problems but your dick ain't one
Next time your significant other complains about not going anywhere expensive then take'em to the gas station
A blond friend texts me:"what does idk mean?" i text back:"i dont know" she texts me back:"OMG NO ONE DOES!"
No one ever appreciates a shovel until they have to bury a body with a spoon
I see your royal wedding and raise you a funeral
I'm like- "I'm not going to drink tonight" in the AM but by evening I'm all like "phffft .. I never said that"
Taking a personal day from work tomorrow to spend quality time with my vagina
I like to finger-fuck popcorn in a bar before patrons arrive