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Job interview: "What is your greatest weakness?"
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
WARNING: Whatever you do do not open a link "Ke$ha's new single". Im serious. It directs you to Ke$ha's new single
Guys, dont try to understand women. Women understand women and they fucking hate each other
LADIES!!! Do NOT die a virgin!! There are terrorists waiting for you up there
What fucking asshole named it a Jet Ski instead of Boatercycle?
RT please Comedy Central will air Patrice's 'Elephant in the Room' special twice tonight. First at 8pm EST and uncensored at midnight EST.
The best thing about hand sanitizer in hospitals is that everyone is walking around like they're hatching a dastardly plan
Sorry but your password must contain a uppercase letter, number, a punctuation mark, a gang sign, an extinct mammal annnnd a hieroglyph
WARNING: The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name and the company should be sued. Im on my way to the hospital now
#UnwantedSpinoffs Hoarders n' Tiaras
So I've been chatting with this 13yr old online and now she tells me she is an undercover cop. How fucking cool is that for a girl her age?
I once had a cannibal that lived up the street from me. He had a wife and ate kids
Do you remember when picking between SP/EP/SLP on a VCR was like picking which wire to cut on a bomb?
9 months after 21Dec2012 there will be a baby boom. All offspring of idiots
To most xtians the bible is like a software agreement. Most dont read it...just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
I bet if AT&T and T-Mobile got married the reception would be shit
I dont have bad handwriting...I have my own font
OEF/OIF Veteran. Nerd. All my tweets are amalgums of less funny tweets and Reddit.