If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours, although they probably fucked someone in that short window of time.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Hey people in their 20s... it gets worse.

I hate myself but in a fun way.

The nice thing about being empty inside is that there's more room for cookies.

"Follow your dreams!" - someone born into money

I forgot to lock my front door last night like some kind of Canadian.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

If someone you know suffers from major depression, do them a favor and just don't be a dick. It's harder to deal with than you can imagine.

I'm glad Kris Jenner is getting her own talk show because people are terrible and deserve to be punished.

When women get pregnant, they become some kind of crazy mathematician. How the fuck do I know what 22 weeks is?

I'd go to a therapist, but I'd just end up manipulating them into telling me I was right.

When I get my own dragon, the first thing I'm doing is attacking a renaissance faire.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

1. Download Twitter iPhone app.
2. Never talk to humans again.
3. Masturbate sometimes.

I saw 2 men holding hands yesterday and it was still straighter than any Old Navy commercial.

I'm lonely but not "invite someone into my home who I'd then have to talk to" lonely.

Twitter is like if I told a joke to my friends and 2 of them took it seriously, 1 of them tried to make it funnier and 3 told me I was ugly.

Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.

You were there, big boob avi girl; & you political comedy guy; you too, parent who is snarky; you were all there. - Twitter Wizard of Oz