I fear going to Walmart because I'm afraid I'll fit in.

Oh sure. You're too busy to talk to me but you're not too busy to call the police.

There is no I in TEAM. But you can spell EAT ME if you use the E twice.

I questioned reality once. It didn't answer.

If I could do it all over again I wouldn't.

For my upcoming birthday I'd like a new birthday suit. One that's less saggy and wrinkly.

If you lower your standard of living, accept less pay for more work, agree to pay more for basic goods & services, the economy isn't so bad.

Did you fall from Heaven? Because you're clumsy as Hell.

#FF @meaganbb1 @superapple8 @hislilmouse @askauntieem1 @sexxxxxpiss @darkmagickan @05professor @idontbekaren @heidicf8 @heatherlarson77

I wish I was wealthy enough to not be responsible.

#FF @bobbyblossoms @cali_kid_mike @brgoodenough @broturkey @carbosly @aimeenews @leashalette @me_db @simplycarol49 @katspaks @ohhscarlet23

I tried that scissoring thing. I don't get it.

I'm at that age where its nice to get home from work, sit on the toilet, and soak my nuts in the cool, cool water.

My sex tape is duct.

@eliserose5 I've always been taught to never ask a woman her age. And that is how I got arrested at the playground. Again.

A fart is just your ass dry-heaving.

#FF @loopyloup @bonafideintent @christinaeh @devazi @jaredplemons @janeventer @ivyellewright @surmaks @ventivodkacran @eminportland Now.

I wonder how long it will take for someone to steal this Tweet?

If I happened to see one of you IRL, do I: a) Pretend not to notice? b) Say Hi? c) Pull your hair and grab your throat?

I'll need to get like 147 followers to be able to comfortably say I have 140.