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My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.
People in your 20's who think your life is fucked up just wait. Your 30's are a presidential helicopter tour of the disaster area.
It's weird how people are starving and I'm throwing Pringles at my fat dog.
I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
So I just tried a bud light with lime, and long story short, I got my first period.
I don't get the PMS jokes, but I generally will star them out of fear.
There's a whole generation of spoiled kids who never had to scrape their burnt toast but were instead given a new piece. That's what's wrong
I'm going to simplify my twitter lists into "People I'd party with", and "People to drive us home".
I wore a red shirt to Target and now I can't leave until my shift is over at 2 : (
If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
I thwart knock knock jokes by answering, "Just a minute!"
Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.
This ant is crawling right at me. I've been screaming "fuckin bring it!!" for 38 minutes.
Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor, doesn't matter.
Shaving the dog so these temporary tattoos stick to him better.
Sorry I haven't been around much the last couple of days; I've been looking for the lid to this fucking tupperware container.
When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that's what's up. But they're all at work.
What the fuck's a rhombus? Is that new?
-me sipping beer from a glass and looking at my son's homework
The dog won our farting contest. I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.
A TV show called The Walking Dad but it's just a guy stepping on Legos in the dark and swearing.