My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.

It's weird how people are starving and I'm throwing Pringles at my fat dog.

So I just tried a bud light with lime, and long story short, I got my first period.

I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.

I don't get the PMS jokes, but I generally will star them out of fear.

People in your 20's who think your life is fucked up just wait. Your 30's are a presidential helicopter tour of the disaster area.

There's a whole generation of spoiled kids who never had to scrape their burnt toast but were instead given a new piece. That's what's wrong

I'm going to simplify my twitter lists into "People I'd party with", and "People to drive us home".

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

I thwart knock knock jokes by answering, "Just a minute!"

Sorry I haven't been around much the last couple of days; I've been looking for the lid to this fucking tupperware container.

Shaving the dog so these temporary tattoos stick to him better.

This ant is crawling right at me. I've been screaming "fuckin bring it!!" for 38 minutes.

When I'm bored I call Ikea and have them page Lisbeth Salander.

I told my family that I'm a writer on twitter and I'm paid in star*bucks. They said they didn't understand. I told them I didn't either.

The dog won our farting contest. I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

Can anyone recommend a good realtor? I need a new calendar.

What the fuck's a rhombus? Is that new?

-me sipping beer from a glass and looking at my son's homework

I can't prove it yet, but I'm pretty sure Justin Bieber is really Ellen DeGeneres' daughter.