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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,737
    • FAVS
    jejehochg4barryKraqoreSardar__Jicrookedwoman83Astronaut1205marapentidouRedemptionAJ
    • 3,335
    • RETWEETS
    jejehochPr1y3AsianPhoneSexNFcrookedwoman83Ashleyx7812StaceyV86fruitbogPhilip37937
    hythemafiajeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,451
    • FAVS
    johnnyb3973shaancheemaheatherjsAngelaInNMRedemptionAJleslie444rnallthingspoeticvalzhogan
    • 1,686
    • RETWEETS
    toyrabbitheatherjsausar14RedemptionAJFancyfab1leslie444rncozbelligerentpujanarula
    BarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,285
    • FAVS
    _7enzy_kimskamikazeswestcoastphinzIzzyIlluminatesallhailthemozzbrownlegalnomes_uSteveDutzy
    • 1,568
    • RETWEETS
    _7enzy_SarahbentTahakimskamikazesmahmoudkhalaf32thKooLallhailthemozzVickiLeigh1012ibrahimfisk
    OldUncleDaveOStupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,985
    • FAVS
    MikeSpitlerPrettyInCamo11heatherjsRedemptionAJhythemafiamooyainiSirTwatsALot19Jenngersnaps
    • 1,127
    • RETWEETS
    PrettyInCamo11heatherjsRedemptionAJrbobellEMurassoTheAlexPgripegalKwagga07
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2GingerVonPaigeAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,911
    • FAVS
    NjueKevinKimUBshitbeany2SSourblondieviewdoodollJaneDozeyTMWrenchPrettyInCamo11
    • 1,131
    • RETWEETS
    iVince_43raisatirikingslayer247jojoswitzR_oooaarJaneece4leylamaina_iamporgy
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,805
    • FAVS
    RedemptionAJmooyainiEMurassoTheAlexPgripegalTruculent67JadeR61799lantos_sidhe
    • 1,010
    • RETWEETS
    RedemptionAJmooyainiTheAlexPgripegallantos_sidhechrispeterson65jewpizzasee_more13
    SerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,815
    • FAVS
    g4barry9four9VetTechianunFinishdObjectJaneyMackWriterheatherjsRedemptionAJhythemafia
    • 891
    • RETWEETS
    FancyNancyAnnShutUpThatsWhoShellyjellyshotheatherjsRedemptionAJPrincessBailyameo02AlongCameAnja
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,752
    • FAVS
    RedemptionAJhythemafiamooyainiMindBytesEMurassokimskamikazes_Sisha8TheAlexP
    • 876
    • RETWEETS
    RedemptionAJlaylac520kimskamikazesTheAlexPToniRaviolliamiesamsiesdhananjay199allhailthemozz
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,608
    • FAVS
    thefostererBIueSunshineSnotgung4barryBillyStewraydoty143viewdoodollCaptYogaPants
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    BIueSunshineSnotgunCaptYogaPantsraydoty143Pr1y3Herjan_EdeShellyjellyshotheatherjs
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,571
    • FAVS
    OhYeahILiedhglouisePluskwamperfektameo02ParentNormalheatherjsRedemptionAJhythemafia
    • 806
    • RETWEETS
    heatherjsRedemptionAJalscarfe123Starchily90mooyainihafisheyTheAlexPisslater
    heatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,615
    • FAVS
    RedemptionAJhythemafiaTheAlexPbaileydevyn77taity03jas_goConnormantle69Spaziotwat
    • 681
    • RETWEETS
    RedemptionAJhafisheyTheAlexPsee_more13RZondeekcutingchaipdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWho
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,430
    • FAVS
    The_xXFallenXxraydoty143BaroquePrincessviewdoodollgoodenough03ShutUpThatsWhoRedemptionAJmooyaini
    • 801
    • RETWEETS
    The_xXFallenXxCynchMooremetalgirlxoraydoty143JaneDozeygoodenough03RedemptionAJI_am_diLama
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,397
    • FAVS
    krishna_vanRedemptionAJhythemafiaWhiteRabbitRioWouldLikeItGigsIsMyNamelewany_kTwistedCrazzy
    • 827
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanShutUpThatsWhoRedemptionAJOBAKOJAMENIEqualrightforaljaygreg123WouldLikeItiGreenMonk
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,454
    • FAVS
    g4barryviewdoodollha_MARTI_acpt_ball_creamtranslucentme_RedemptionAJhythemafiafrankies_wilde
    • 768
    • RETWEETS
    g4barryFUNNAGANtranslucentme_RedemptionAJBillDavis1516danmatthews67kaztharsisBaronessAmber
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,521
    • FAVS
    g4barryGigsIsMyNamefunnybeachgirlLets_Go_Gently_translucentme_RedemptionAJhythemafiaapok842
    • 628
    • RETWEETS
    GigsIsMyNameLets_Go_Gently_translucentme_RedemptionAJLucy_zgapok842SerialFuckupAmyHenry88
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,304
    • FAVS
    niallmcateerleeJudithPetrushkokrishna_vanGigsIsMyNametranslucentme_RedemptionAJhythemafiafoosa_dog
    • 653
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vantranslucentme_RedemptionAJSerialFuckupPrincessBailyAlongCameAnjaBetterthanu_34crps8k
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,184
    • FAVS
    g4barryGigsIsMyNameRedemptionAJhythemafiafoosa_dogWHEREISWALTJNRTalkinghands69TheAlexP
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    GigsIsMyNameRedemptionAJWHEREISWALTJNRtimb1044SerialFuckupTheAlexPsee_more13Heres_katie
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,169
    • FAVS
    RedemptionAJhythemafiaGinAndJifJyrkkanenKj4ScoreN20Bowlsmooyainisee_more13randomnloveit
    • 510
    • RETWEETS
    RedemptionAJJyrkkanenKj4ScoreN20Bowlsmooyainisee_more13Jedi_DaddyOhYouFanchaHuhJay1972Jay
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,181
    • FAVS
    GigsIsMyNameRedemptionAJhythemafiaWHEREISWALTJNRapok842crystal21210SpaziotwatJay1972Jay
    • 472
    • RETWEETS
    FitnessDynamicsSageVkeyRedemptionAJWHEREISWALTJNRapok842666NightStalkerSerialFuckuppdxjohnny99
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,105
    • FAVS
    g4barryRedemptionAJhythemafiamooyainiHormonellaTheAlexPKimKimarcher12baileydevyn77
    • 440
    • RETWEETS
    RedemptionAJTheAlexPtheslashkwatchKxRSTYpdxjohnny99li4mst3w4rtJewelsKenyajeffreyvanclea1
    Cunda22Karate_HorseWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.