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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,383
    • FAVS
    em_harleydavDanaAllen96CarolLeighAnneGTeamshorty97sokyshipninigoomontoyaPS_IRuddYouMattGeving
    • 3,120
    • RETWEETS
    CarolLeighAnneGsokyshipninigoomontoyaMattGevingBroncosFan_64hornyCemetaryfingerbone13JulesC70
    shanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHumandick_ishSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySouredpeachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_JolieAn_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,300
    • FAVS
    sokyshipninigoomontoyamtressamlife_goes_on762PASSaSMILEiMikosnycSaraChandler9Hey_HollyLujah
    • 1,574
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaVol_CountryBoylife_goes_on762PASSaSMILEMasterOfFurylesbihaviorprizfazSaraChandler9
    filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamango________redpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,110
    • FAVS
    sokyshipnGoldenMissyChuness_inigoomontoyaYuvalTapirolllvvvzzzHothooker_73bk_schmidt
    • 1,420
    • RETWEETS
    sokyshipninigoomontoyaBisliGrilllllvvvzzzHothooker_73chocolitblissglitter_demonwhootystalker
    StupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,846
    • FAVS
    sokyshipninigoomontoyaEmeryldsmtressamlife_goes_on76imasmartass37_mSAWangryassbastard
    • 1,037
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaEmeryldslife_goes_on76donna69453419imasmartass37_mSAWangryassbastardMeyarmoses
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2xGingerAvengerAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,799
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyapbcromansjaneface15SamYewEllGoldieJewbsmellimellejeffrhoodMaximummischief
    • 1,047
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyapbcromansjaneface15GoldieJewbsmellimelleJustBeingWeirdBrandieNichole3Micropan44
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumermichelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,702
    • FAVS
    sokyshipninigoomontoyaadermenzhimadre702Min217TelloFox_2_Younoneofyours99cheetahlong22
    • 944
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyabiloyyyjennlacey88KashiUmeradermenzhiCbeezy207madre702Min217Tello
    jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,689
    • FAVS
    allisulliAnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaHormonellaebaum1023lllvvvzzzAnaPurrsCommonSavant
    • 832
    • RETWEETS
    ArthurFTdubinigoomontoyalllvvvzzzShipInTheKnightNotSoMrNiceGuypbcromansThe_ONE_AdrianShoutingGoddess
    WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,648
    • FAVS
    em_harleydavVengefulBlubirdAllahTweetedsokyshipnAnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaNutsB_lowMeThatsMyBush
    • 814
    • RETWEETS
    VengefulBlubirdsokyshipninigoomontoyaThatsMyBushhornyCemetaryaslaterbrownThatSuperSteezCletusHammer
    P8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHumanWULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,496
    • FAVS
    TehNemsterASweetTweetRoseSocial_MimeAnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaTattooedMiseryOrgasmsMindtripThatsMyBush
    • 736
    • RETWEETS
    ashproveSocial_MimeinigoomontoyaOrgasmsMindtripThatsMyBushFlashNHtownbopinkladyBlooddain
    Home_Halfwaysaynebhdick_ishCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,472
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushiMikosnycwritersdreamimasmartass37AMoore9608FreakShow29Duke1173
    • 751
    • RETWEETS
    DoktaRotichinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushCletusHammerimasmartass37FreakShow29Duke1173danielvisme
    KalvinMacleodericONEderfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,550
    • FAVS
    sokyshipnAnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushFRANKSTALICIOUSlacybronze1berthaday5150iMikosnyc
    • 644
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushChuck_N_Spearsdee_ene_geeMasterOfFuryimasmartass37Duke11730mgItscasey
    slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,306
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyaEmeryldsThatsMyBushkellywilliams45life_goes_on76ShaeAaronimasmartass37Ohaiqtpie
    • 763
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaEmeryldsThatsMyBushlife_goes_on76scoobster233imasmartass37ContradictEgobeerfartchamp
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,463
    • FAVS
    _whatever88inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushmtressamkellywilliams45joeapena2nddurt33life_goes_on76
    • 595
    • RETWEETS
    _whatever88inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushmtressamlife_goes_on76donna69453419imasmartass37nate_julius13
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,255
    • FAVS
    AnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushiAchillesHeelWildeThingylife_goes_on76miss_foofooCletusHammer
    • 622
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushlife_goes_on76hornyCemetaryimasmartass37Browneyed_mamaDuke1173jollyfingers
    WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,142
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushLeslieAMLGrumpyBahrSadieSmithRoksimasmartass37ruraljulesHello_Bella
    • 598
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushMarygmall2ldailyleonhardMasterOfFuryimasmartass37jmarvin319Browneyed_mama
    InnHumanTHEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUdick_ishCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,091
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushbeelzebubdACstyles1975mtressamiAchillesHeelrainsuttonDilatedEV
    • 588
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaSmackinMonkeysThatsMyBushlife_goes_on76imasmartass37ksvdarshanDennisVDV76__iamkhabz
    OfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoinTheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,098
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushDilatedEVlife_goes_on76specialsauce2imasmartass37CaribbePirate76StephCvo
    • 571
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaSmackinMonkeysThatsMyBushmtressamlife_goes_on76specialsauce2imasmartass37CaribbePirate76
    Not_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,100
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyalife_goes_on76xoxvintageCletusHammerimasmartass37jmarvin319Browneyed_mamaDuke1173
    • 469
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaSenethaClaydarcyreneeeeCletusHammerkatbooneimasmartass37jmarvin319Browneyed_mama
    WULFDEANhidingfrommewesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,123
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyacjlevatinoDukEB51aaronupSweet_Leafs_imasmartass37AcSleepyBrowneyed_mama
    • 441
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyacjlevatinoDukEB51pinkfeathers07BoutCrazedimasmartass37Browneyed_mamaDuke1173
    MarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,028
    • FAVS
    CampDreadinigoomontoyawritersdreamNDakotaGirllifeinwhispersxoxvintageKristieKane72notanymore112
    • 400
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaCletusHammerimasmartass37Duke1173ginasays43danielvismewarhorse76Fickle_Filly
    rzaroscoWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. The most valuable life lesson I've learnt is to never test explosives on your own car.