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  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 5,270
    • LIKES
    CapnCGullAlexTheAlkylocherreBedfordBootBoystarsboy63mikebeallamaJennyablueI_Bl33d_Purple
    • 3,693
    • RETWEETS
    MsGreenGoddesscalmassholestarsboy63mikebeallamaI_Bl33d_PurpleUn_FrenchreallyhanaJohnGagne
    li4mst3w4rthirojesusDeurb1chopper4jkrealHamOnWryGobshite_garrettbarry70Sean_Burgundy_treadmilldhythemafiajeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt73SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglide__DumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21__Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbeta__I_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynn__fluffysuses_cLaN07grumsal_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe___avaricious1Hello___BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__KimmSommkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,646
    • LIKES
    crashtest2I_Bl33d_PurpleEAlMansyMunkManiagirishv11PatriotChicagoShut_up_Marissavajennilogue2
    • 1,815
    • RETWEETS
    I_Bl33d_Purplekimlockhartgabennie_teegirishv11Chicken_shinobivajennilogue21TinttarainenHoldawayIan
    SharpeBytesiamjeffsloanMidgetspardapluskBarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21__Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityMatadorMadimaddie11_Anders__RudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,513
    • LIKES
    I_Bl33d_Purpletwistingthroughhurrduhdurrmai_m3roufNourhan_Elsoudy_NazzmyTaghreedMajdiCeiphulislam
    • 1,738
    • RETWEETS
    JsalaheddinegildermikeT_A_WhitneyLuluTwitluluMariamTaha3rawankhaledd15ibtisam_905_JFa6ma
    SharpeBytessixfootcandyOldUncleDaveOStupidSophia___Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgood__seejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOU__MasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 2,102
    • LIKES
    I_Bl33d_PurpleEAlMansyReezyIsMyNameSleazyToForgetstasiakeita08NyxEoisitIamEveryDayPpl
    • 1,285
    • RETWEETS
    I_Bl33d_PurplevapourintheairLaContentaVidaStarlight211208NyxIamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJar
    georgiabarnsMidgetspargrantgirl2004Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEdSCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 2,076
    • LIKES
    Troubled_GirlzMoonshineOTRJordicusMaximusIcyPepsi4MeDiamondLou69I_Bl33d_Purplemarcusparkersol08Nyx
    • 1,198
    • RETWEETS
    ACKY79MoonshineOTRWandile_Mjilatavynnnn___BaabyGirlIcyPepsi4MeDiamondLou69boozer16
    MidgetsparnativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_dazeDumbAliassee_more13Traceylei2__Syncophant__AspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,904
    • LIKES
    Troubled_GirlzNateynaten8n8Pakingarzzia23ScottBrown1214sarah1mcI_Bl33d_Purpleboozer16PolhunterP
    • 1,080
    • RETWEETS
    Nateynaten8n8sarah1mcI_Bl33d_Purpleboozer16heatherjsBackrowSeats__IamEveryDayPplspicy_peen
    SharpeBytesRohitKohli236nomes_uSerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8__AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,947
    • LIKES
    I_Bl33d_Purplegrantgriesel666cinderellashadoPetrickSaraspicysweet84queenothedarnedPetresarbutroublin_pairad
    • 964
    • RETWEETS
    zami_singsonqueenothedarnedtroublin_pairadtlcprincessredpawn3wannamer1Starlight2112boozer16
    treadmilldKatarinaKrizIceIceBaeBaeWULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScamp__CYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,866
    • LIKES
    I_Bl33d_PurpleEAlMansymarcusparkersolboozer16IamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81
    • 945
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16IamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJarStartAgain69LaserGh0stTimberwolf___Douchekevin
    oaeeiwhiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4R__nativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocs__filmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,748
    • LIKES
    OneSmartFellowSummerjeanAKRobbRachelMoonshineOTRDianeP89LilMamacitaDontBDGarpGroseraGirl
    • 908
    • RETWEETS
    tavynnnnLilMamacitaDontGroseraGirl1NTERCEPTOR_DiamondLou69runningman20I_Bl33d_Purpleboozer16
    TheWadestheatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,740
    • LIKES
    skyemom7Laauuritaa__geekdom2016annasommerGilly_Murphyshopkins776MoonshineOTRtavynnnn
    • 876
    • RETWEETS
    skyemom7shopkins776MoonshineOTRLilMamacitaDontGroseraGirlDiamondLou69EAlMansyboozer16
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,566
    • LIKES
    coon_doggietavynnnnstarfish19673LilMamacitaDontAlenaRainVIPDiamondLou69marcusparkersolkimlockhartga
    • 941
    • RETWEETS
    Wandile_MjilaLilMamacitaDontDiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsIamEveryDayPpldrunktweets81JeannieG40
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,715
    • LIKES
    TraciGrrlAlenaRainVIPsexxylobsterDocDunc1DiamondLou69HockeyGoddess24Mischievousassygeniusindisgize
    • 737
    • RETWEETS
    MrPistofficusHalfBloodBriansexxylobsterDiamondLou69bomas559Jsalaheddinepeanutgazellekoorber_mary
    WULFDEANLAZ138__slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,535
    • LIKES
    Mindless4MilesIamEveryDayPplSouthernCheleEAlMansyclick4amandaScottwB42rustygunterCharmandBrains
    • 883
    • RETWEETS
    melpraktisIamEveryDayPplEAlMansyScottwB42rustygunterCharmandBrainsboozer16heatherjs
    jeffreyvanclea1SharpeBytesThe_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,555
    • LIKES
    MetakaeSofiatavynnnnPaulaavsbMaquinnaEarliamsocoollike_DiamondLou69marcusparkersolheatherjs
    • 819
    • RETWEETS
    melpraktisWandile_MjilaDiamondLou69heatherjsdrunktweets81BiscuitFloaterNeon_Dragonasiananomaly
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOU__jumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,611
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16Eoisitheatherjsdrunktweets81DouchekevinEightEighthsSan
    • 677
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16heatherjsSteveThomas6708NyxThaJawnuserperdad__J_Illunninatiurekasgold
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,350
    • LIKES
    gbobinaTroubled_GirlzWmAveryBishopDiamondLou69marcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16heatherjs
    • 675
    • RETWEETS
    DiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsSteveThomas67ThaJawnkarenphotogfionnpittmanuserperdad__
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,229
    • LIKES
    JordicusMaximustavynnnnmikedoc1311954DiamondLou69marcusparkersolboozer16heatherjsdrunktweets81
    • 659
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    DiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsfionnpittmanuserperdad__Afriken__sanshandledavison_gavin
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,234
    • LIKES
    rwmontydawndumonttrongausDiamondLou69IamEveryDayPplchuck112young__marcusparkersolboozer16
    • 551
    • RETWEETS
    wollamartdawndumontchrisLrobtbbucsbabeDiamondLou69IamEveryDayPplboozer16heatherjs
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8__
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,269
    • LIKES
    LovegoodLoony_MrBob_52suzyrnmsnDiamondLou69marcusparkersolheatherjsDouchekevinuserperdad__
    • 516
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    LovegoodLoony_TrulyGumaerDiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsuserperdad__MrTallPaul1J_Illunninati
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I appreciate your opinion but I'm still going to blow up your car.

    • 1,088
    • LIKES
    katarina_diditrjgirlsexp862usRuns_Wilddad_divorcedLaura_328nsbrwtttjustpeachymeScottgibb1
    • 644
    • RETWEETS
    katarina_diditCunda22nsbrwtttCarey_IsIDaZzavuSerious_Law_GuySmartassChefwet_pussy13
    JimmerThatisAll
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons. https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=default&q=from%3A1Happytwit&src=typd

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