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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.
Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.
Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.
I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.
It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.
Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.
If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.
You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.
I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.
You can run but my rifle's got a scope.
I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.
I appreciate your opinion but I'm still going to blow up your car.
I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons. https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=default&q=from%3A1Happytwit&src=typd
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