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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,400
    • FAVS
    divinelatelyTruthInsiderIllya7525Lennyy_13KillzoneVllMoonstormerAvokodoBlaineBruce
    • 3,135
    • RETWEETS
    1busnafLennyy_13GazzD458KillzoneVllPureCheeseAqeelMoonstormerAvokodograemeoswald
    shanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHumandick_ishSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySouredpeachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_JolieAn_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,305
    • FAVS
    vault101girlBlaineBrucefractaljackalRoseTheSirenKlSSMYSASSsokyshipninigoomontoyamtressam
    • 1,577
    • RETWEETS
    BlaineBrucefractaljackalKlSSMYSASSinigoomontoyaVol_CountryBoylife_goes_on762PASSaSMILEMasterOfFury
    filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,120
    • FAVS
    BlaineBrucefractaljackalZoeKnight_GHDYalexdiaz50078hheatherMissNomer_ChaelBordenhero_ofthenight
    • 1,428
    • RETWEETS
    JoshuaSelvaBlaineBruceZoeKnight_GHDYMissNomer_2PASSaSMILEpablitoM12mercurycc2angryassbastard
    StupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,848
    • FAVS
    BlaineBrucefractaljackalsokyshipninigoomontoyaEmeryldsmtressamlife_goes_on76imasmartass37
    • 1,039
    • RETWEETS
    BlaineBrucefractaljackalinigoomontoyaEmeryldslife_goes_on76donna69453419imasmartass37_mSAW
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2xGingerAvengerAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,803
    • FAVS
    BlaineBrucefractaljackalmikimikiwahwahDannivoirinigoomontoyapbcromansjaneface15SamYewEll
    • 1,049
    • RETWEETS
    fractaljackalMGamal93inigoomontoyapbcromansjaneface15GoldieJewbsmellimelleJustBeingWeird
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,711
    • FAVS
    elchulojimJudithG___BadMikeyBadMPeperGlennWhiteBSansotta95BlaineBrucefractaljackal
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    BSansotta95BlaineBrucefractaljackalT_HuntzzAlyssa_Jolieinigoomontoyabiloyyyjennlacey88
    jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,691
    • FAVS
    BlaineBrucesmirkykevallisulliAnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaHormonellaebaum1023lllvvvzzz
    • 833
    • RETWEETS
    neenerexArthurFTdubinigoomontoyalllvvvzzzShipInTheKnightNotSoMrNiceGuypbcromansThe_ONE_Adrian
    WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,656
    • FAVS
    uncybillizedJamesbrashears3twit_wanklouiswilliams4ingerlishmanweemescotlandproud2bstonerAntonioMcLoad
    • 817
    • RETWEETS
    weemescotlandAntonioMcLoadBlondechachaVengefulBlubirdsokyshipninigoomontoyaThatsMyBushhornyCemetary
    P8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHumanWULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,503
    • FAVS
    JaniceLReadSassyTexasGallifeinwhispersShanaRose21allthingspoeticSassyMetalPantsfractaljackalTehNemster
    • 745
    • RETWEETS
    frankie_arnoldfitty06SassyTexasGalShanaRose21mommyshultheisSassyMetalPantsoutofink54rustygunter
    Home_Halfwaysaynebhdick_ishCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,477
    • FAVS
    ruraljulesSmith2RobxlpawsozzyuncfractaljackalinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushiMikosnyc
    • 754
    • RETWEETS
    xlpawsozzyuncfractaljackalDoktaRotichinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushCletusHammerimasmartass37
    KalvinMacleodericONEderfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,550
    • FAVS
    sokyshipnAnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushFRANKSTALICIOUSlacybronze1berthaday5150iMikosnyc
    • 644
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushChuck_N_Spearsdee_ene_geeMasterOfFuryimasmartass37Duke11730mgItscasey
    slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,309
    • FAVS
    AcidicKnivesrustygunterfractaljackalinigoomontoyaEmeryldsThatsMyBushkellywilliams45life_goes_on76
    • 766
    • RETWEETS
    AcidicKnivesrustygunterfractaljackalinigoomontoyaEmeryldsThatsMyBushlife_goes_on76scoobster233
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,466
    • FAVS
    CueSanityrustygunterfractaljackal_whatever88inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushmtressamkellywilliams45
    • 597
    • RETWEETS
    rustygunterfractaljackal_whatever88inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushmtressamlife_goes_on76donna69453419
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,256
    • FAVS
    Marygmall2AnitaHelmetinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushiAchillesHeelWildeThingylife_goes_on76miss_foofoo
    • 623
    • RETWEETS
    MasterOfFuryinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushlife_goes_on76hornyCemetaryimasmartass37Browneyed_mamaDuke1173
    WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,143
    • FAVS
    CueSanityinigoomontoyaThatsMyBushLeslieAMLGrumpyBahrSadieSmithRoksimasmartass37ruraljules
    • 598
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaThatsMyBushMarygmall2ldailyleonhardMasterOfFuryimasmartass37jmarvin319Browneyed_mama
    InnHumanTHEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUdick_ishCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,098
    • FAVS
    LilbyrdyAcidman251knotwholeusedtobeJustJenbartlebysdeadcheprinGreenEyedLooninigoomontoya
    • 593
    • RETWEETS
    iheartcheese101Acidman25IMBeanzGreenEyedLoonMasterOfFuryinigoomontoyaSmackinMonkeysThatsMyBush
    OfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoinTheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,107
    • FAVS
    heatherrr98rainsuttonkansaswaggamit_emptyPrettyKittyxo69turkeyheadmacgAnne_cGreenEyedLoon
    • 574
    • RETWEETS
    kansaswaggturkeyheadmacMasterOfFuryinigoomontoyaSmackinMonkeysThatsMyBushmtressamlife_goes_on76
    Not_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,100
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyalife_goes_on76xoxvintageCletusHammerimasmartass37jmarvin319Browneyed_mamaDuke1173
    • 469
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaSenethaClaydarcyreneeeeCletusHammerkatbooneimasmartass37jmarvin319Browneyed_mama
    WULFDEANhidingfrommewesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,123
    • FAVS
    inigoomontoyacjlevatinoDukEB51aaronupSweet_Leafs_imasmartass37AcSleepyBrowneyed_mama
    • 441
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyacjlevatinoDukEB51pinkfeathers07BoutCrazedimasmartass37Browneyed_mamaDuke1173
    MarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,028
    • FAVS
    CampDreadinigoomontoyawritersdreamNDakotaGirllifeinwhispersxoxvintageKristieKane72notanymore112
    • 400
    • RETWEETS
    inigoomontoyaCletusHammerimasmartass37Duke1173ginasays43danielvismewarhorse76Fickle_Filly
    rzaroscoWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. The most valuable life lesson I've learnt is to never test explosives on your own car.