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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,618
    • FAVS
    simonchollandurekasgold44kimberJuliJuliliddickComfyTech_PtboZirconpartialRon92211latte_drama
    • 3,262
    • RETWEETS
    urekasgoldTara4nowlatte_dramapseudo_fredSerialFuckupAnnieMumfieyoussefwagih23beatupmartin
    biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_JolieAn_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,417
    • FAVS
    bigdanny68moinandersonKennydebbyDebcarriemerricksingleginaStarleyJimAllaHbastErLambyMcSheeps
    • 1,659
    • RETWEETS
    KerseyTonysarah_anayaI_N_E_S_ArtJasmine_Drake_KadHengaukeepguessing1GooooooonerAFCAllaHbastEr
    filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,234
    • FAVS
    BiggSwagg941TheBlindLemonStarleyJimAllaHbastErLambyMcSheepsNoNeedToKnow29HighlyAnxious44kimber
    • 1,520
    • RETWEETS
    savageass_teeeeJasmine_Drake_StarleyJimKadHengaPhaedoriusAllaHbastErGSHOK9cloverlin1
    OldUncleDaveOStupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    ohiodadof3pseudo_fredflavoredfetishDanny_McH2OkristibrinsonfsufloresjewpizzaSissiSay
    • 1,112
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredjewpizzafsufloresjeffswarensC_Breeze550Mrs1Potato1bicbicbitchtwitmyreview
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2CuntySmurfAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,878
    • FAVS
    simonchollandCynicalDoughBoyLambyMcSheepsTara4nowBrokeNotBroken1pseudo_fredDanny_McH2Oxosm
    • 1,102
    • RETWEETS
    simonchollandCynicalDoughBoyTara4nowBancheroMediaJuliJuliliddicknewlyn_ajBrokeNotBroken1pseudo_fred
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,784
    • FAVS
    simonchollandpseudo_fredGrumpyBahrflavoredfetishDanny_McH2OHumorParasitescott_towelTITTYSTONED
    • 995
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredflavoredfetishHumorParasitebyrdtwittenscott_towelTITTYSTONEDli4mst3w4rtProfessorBB
    SerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,783
    • FAVS
    d53boysimonchollandmommydog67willoffendyouamcsheldonjonfredericOibotisnztheword
    • 875
    • RETWEETS
    Hutch_DionnzthewordPandorabalksretiredfirstsgtKatarinaKrizpseudo_fredmegabitch1000soul_to_squeez
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,713
    • FAVS
    simonchollandpseudo_fredflavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3rhizomelifeHumorParasiteSignedMom
    • 853
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredPPSNAKE56rhizomelifeHumorParasiteYoYosarianDarrenMCDON7__Matteroffact80li4mst3w4rt
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,578
    • FAVS
    DawnLovesZombieA_Bike_Guylatte_dramapseudo_fredIncognickiDanny_McH2Oredpawn3SissiSay
    • 783
    • RETWEETS
    A_Bike_Guypseudo_fredPete6901flavoredfetishDamn_its_SeanHumorParasiteBrandonSchlongRealJinjaNinja
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,543
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsNotBachibawlzExitThaWarriortadpoleno3DawnLovesZombiepseudo_fredflavoredfetishDanny_McH2O
    • 788
    • RETWEETS
    DawnLovesZombiepseudo_fredPurvoActualGetdabuzzSaveItForFestwesjohnson8HumorParasiteTITTYSTONED
    KalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,600
    • FAVS
    pseudo_fredflavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3HumorParasiteTITTYSTONEDli4mst3w4rtPippaLewis
    • 672
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredflavoredfetishTITTYSTONEDkspinks4485dark_butter_fly__Shy_michelleGoldenSpiralsbeepsjr
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,361
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsDawnLovesZombieTara4nowbeatupmartinpseudo_fredflavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    Tara4nowpseudo_fredflavoredfetishLike_Guineveremegan_alayneQuinnchopsxsayssSano_From_SRK
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,400
    • FAVS
    wakethebadgerkylesbehonesttequilasaltlyfecassvinceOhgoddessitsmeJaneBadallAyahhZjimandrewsmusic
    • 745
    • RETWEETS
    tequilasaltlyfecassvinceOhgoddessitsmejimandrewsmusicA_Bike_Guypseudo_fredjulygirl719Reagan_Berry
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,500
    • FAVS
    Danny_McH2Oredpawn3SissiSayTITTYSTONEDtamis_02tddybearsuicideLarrys_CoffeeReeDickey
    • 615
    • RETWEETS
    TITTYSTONEDleahjeanelleDeurb1li4mst3w4rtdark_butter_fly__TruNonsensejustdoitnowokLaniBeno
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,262
    • FAVS
    inurebroodingsLnnieMooseOfTheAgesSheilaAWaters3BronkoStoneXxo_Kayla_oxXluvssnowmendarrrkstarrr
    • 687
    • RETWEETS
    MooseOfTheAgesBFBThreeMadDamMusicseducenndestroykaylama54674519darrrkstarrrdiegcosta191CleverGirl1
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,281
    • FAVS
    flavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3li4mst3w4rtPolhunterPMissAdvent77Deurb1Giddythefuckup
    • 636
    • RETWEETS
    flavoredfetishonlineviewsDeurb1RealJinjaNinjapamela_meehanPDogg8675309Qckhdfusedude
    WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,161
    • FAVS
    flavoredfetishstrangeHelenashesananteater2biliousFattMernandezpaddyt007Danny_McH2OSuMacDan
    • 618
    • RETWEETS
    shesananteaterDanny_McH2OameelouiseVDeurb1ReiswigRokamsizifruitbogShipInTheKnight
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,147
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsflavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3ruffyoungtamis_02tddybearsuicideDeurb1
    • 494
    • RETWEETS
    ruffyoungWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurplejehnjeffreyvanclea1fusedude
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,168
    • FAVS
    Danny_McH2Oredpawn3tddybearsuicidebleustreakDeurb1DrDweezilli4mst3w4rtSwampFoxSly
    • 462
    • RETWEETS
    leahjeanelleWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurpclean_not_soberjeffreyvanclea1fusedude
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,084
    • FAVS
    flavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3Talathorntamis_02Deurb1DrDweezilli4mst3w4rt
    • 431
    • RETWEETS
    flavoredfetishameelouiseVWebbPaganfingerDeurb1LaniBenoRealJinjaNinjaModerateBenderjustdoitnowok
    Cunda22rzaroscoWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.