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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,690
    • FAVS
    taity03tobulistpinkandtweedninjamoose101theBigMvee__nethernotecompl3teunknownShutUpThatsWho
    • 3,305
    • RETWEETS
    ninjamoose101pdxjohnny99JoshuaSantiagoCraigChamberlinnethernoteShutUpThatsWhokrishna_vanthelasscode__
    jeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,437
    • FAVS
    pdxjohnny99harvey_calderonrutgerafterhourBoobzAndBrainztheBigMvee__ShutUpThatsWhogerryhallcomedyanshvir24
    • 1,672
    • RETWEETS
    _bohemianheart_AmblingAboutpdxjohnny99rutgerafterhourBoobzAndBrainzShutUpThatsWhoswarup169OceanEyesAli
    BarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,251
    • FAVS
    Maui_Speaksronda_83fahadalimehtabHogpuddinKwagga07pdxjohnny99nsbrwtttShutUpThatsWho
    • 1,533
    • RETWEETS
    ACEwritingHogpuddinsee_more13Kwagga07pdxjohnny99nsbrwtttMsPhantasticaliBLOOdyNONSENSE
    OldUncleDaveOStupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,974
    • FAVS
    tobulistKwagga07pdxjohnny99parkbenchkipper__adjua43theBigMvee__gerryhallcomedyShutUpThatsWho
    • 1,120
    • RETWEETS
    Kwagga07pdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWhogerryhallcomedyEmileyAllisonajayisraniMagicSnipepan_opt_icon__
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2GingerVonPaigeAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,895
    • FAVS
    tobulistZuzustanleypdxjohnny99atbara9theBigMvee__ShutUpThatsWhokrishna_vancoldpiece619
    • 1,116
    • RETWEETS
    Zuzustanleypdxjohnny99atbara9ShutUpThatsWhoBarW38krishna_vanEleSyronEdLabine
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,799
    • FAVS
    JadeR61799lantos_sidheMaui_Speakschrispeterson65jewpizzajas_gotobulistjohnpannesi
    • 1,006
    • RETWEETS
    lantos_sidhechrispeterson65jewpizzasee_more13jas_gotobulistpdxjohnny99PriestessOfAres
    SerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,799
    • FAVS
    Iscofcapt_tripps66baileydevyn77BagsyLocashjjfujawaKaylaMinusTheKninjamoose101smapd
    • 881
    • RETWEETS
    see_more13pdxjohnny99TankCesarUnknownWishesSweet_SueZnsbrwtttHutch_Dionnztheword
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,726
    • FAVS
    tobulistraaaachel____pdxjohnny99theBigMvee__ShutUpThatsWhogerryhallcomedypan_opt_icon__Anmclark
    • 861
    • RETWEETS
    see_more13hxmuelpdxjohnny99BarW38ShutUpThatsWhoDanieChasejohngayseensbrwttt
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,591
    • FAVS
    mona416jjfujawaahaggardbastardStacheBospdxjohnny99atbara9HeatherCulley2theBigMvee__
    • 789
    • RETWEETS
    theslashkwatchpdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWholi4mst3w4rtpan_opt_icon__johngayseeA_Bike_Guypseudo_fred
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,558
    • FAVS
    Maui_Speaksitsclaudybitcharmyboi0911jas_gotobulistpdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWhodebzyhawk__
    • 799
    • RETWEETS
    isslatersweetg35see_more13Heres_katiejas_goRZondepdxjohnny99debzyhawk__
    KalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,612
    • FAVS
    baileydevyn77taity03jas_goConnormantle69tobulistStacheBospdxjohnny99BarW38
    • 678
    • RETWEETS
    see_more13RZondeekcutingchaipdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWholi4mst3w4rtpseudo_fredflavoredfetish
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,445
    • FAVS
    RichHarris2T5HID1Brian80085BillDavis1516kaztharsismsanders750ladyyeehaahamletmax
    • 766
    • RETWEETS
    BillDavis1516danmatthews67kaztharsisBaronessAmbersinnsagetincersgirlKenHuxley1MadamBetteNoire
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,412
    • FAVS
    ahaggardbastardMarkoESQpdxjohnny99GlamCore42oBarW38_reganlealAshleyLineaminnie_in_pink7
    • 784
    • RETWEETS
    pdxjohnny99minnie_in_pink7li4mst3w4rtsee_more13lllvvvzzzsavage_wienerWTFMahonMrRamBillings
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,367
    • FAVS
    lefty68usaGringoBruleepdxjohnny99theBigMvee__johngayseeKentWGrahamLambyMcSheepsDawnLovesZombie
    • 804
    • RETWEETS
    jamboboogieRZondepdxjohnny99li4mst3w4rtTara4nowpseudo_fredflavoredfetishLike_Guinevere
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,508
    • FAVS
    GringoBruleepdxjohnny99theBigMvee__ShutUpThatsWhopan_opt_icon__simonchollandpseudo_fredjohngaysee
    • 619
    • RETWEETS
    dan_jugzpdxjohnny99pseudo_frednsbrwtttTITTYSTONED__leahjeanelleDeurb1li4mst3w4rt
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,290
    • FAVS
    tobulistpdxjohnny99theBigMvee__ShutUpThatsWhopan_opt_icon__simonchollandpseudo_fredjohngaysee
    • 643
    • RETWEETS
    see_more13pdxjohnny99minealone6BarW38li4mst3w4rtpseudo_frednsbrwtttflavoredfetish
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,176
    • FAVS
    anna_bayesGSHOK9BarbieSlutSuckbabyelephantpoorandomnloveitbaileydevyn77hooks024pdxjohnny99
    • 632
    • RETWEETS
    see_more13Heres_katieReluctantHpstrGSHOK9Jedi_DaddyDaphaneBellorandomnloveithooks024
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,163
    • FAVS
    see_more13randomnloveitxosmbaileydevyn77tobulistLees_tweetedonepurpledragonpdxjohnny99
    • 506
    • RETWEETS
    see_more13Jedi_DaddyOhYouFanchaHuhJay1972Jaytheslashkwatchonepurpledragonpdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWho
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,175
    • FAVS
    tobulistJay1972Jaypdxjohnny99theBigMvee__Mommywatchthispseudo_fredjohngayseeDanny_McH2O
    • 465
    • RETWEETS
    pdxjohnny99li4mst3w4rtpseudo_fredleahjeanelleWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurp
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,099
    • FAVS
    KimKimarcher12baileydevyn77tobulistLees_tweetedJay1972Jaypdxjohnny99ShutUpThatsWhoBarW38
    • 438
    • RETWEETS
    theslashkwatchKxRSTYpdxjohnny99li4mst3w4rtJewelsKenyajeffreyvanclea1pseudo_fredflavoredfetish
    Cunda22Karate_HorseWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.