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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,856
    • FAVS
    DairyAir69bjcopasLAVENDERnthesunBestWifeEver4AmblingAboutbooty_snootyMichaelF317SquareKnight
    • 3,407
    • RETWEETS
    bjcopasonascaleof1210IamJoshHollandSatinAndLace64McAssholesAkashVasaniims_snippetyTerribleTracy2
    treadmilldhythemafiajeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,482
    • FAVS
    zia786_kamran4143MeZuni_Kamy1522MadDi_PTItigeRsab1caTony_panditwhitedaisy14
    • 1,715
    • RETWEETS
    RJ_kumarkumarswollenvoicebhartisharma111Kamy1522JiaSaqib1sab1caTony_panditAroushaIqbal
    BarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,356
    • FAVS
    Shy_MatsunagaTinyDancer5868bumpin_mamaMchazieBarbiK_definitlymaybeDropsNoPantiesUntouchableShe
    • 1,627
    • RETWEETS
    aprilmenchavezbumpin_mama_definitlymaybeDropsNoPantiesAlison_wkndlisavengestaGirrlGeniusjeffB_iz
    sixfootcandyOldUncleDaveOStupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,997
    • FAVS
    trashtasticaswollenvoiceStellarSupremesixfootcandycozbelligerentadilriarsmokeymccheefowingsimplied
    • 1,138
    • RETWEETS
    swollenvoiceStellarSupremeSassybrunette77cozbelligerentadilriarBiscutChasmokeymccheefowingsimplied
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_dazeDumbAliassee_more13Traceylei2GingerVonPaigeAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,924
    • FAVS
    OhShelikecakesab1casixfootcandyhippocroteezadilriarwingsimpliedsamir_upatelRohitKohli236
    • 1,141
    • RETWEETS
    sab1caTony_panditBloodshot_Inkadilriar_Intoxicated007smokeymccheefowingsimpliedsamir_upatel
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,825
    • FAVS
    swollenvoicesab1caStellarSupremesixfootcandyShutUpThatsWhoadilriarkathybotteasdheersa
    • 1,024
    • RETWEETS
    sab1caBloodshot_InkStellarSupremeShutUpThatsWhoadilriar_Intoxicated007dheersasamir_upatel
    RohitKohli236nomes_uSerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,830
    • FAVS
    andlaughter101TehNemsterStellarSupremeadilriardheersagigipicolaKarrzykingsamir_upatel
    • 901
    • RETWEETS
    StellarSupremeadilriarthealpha0megadheersaKarrzykingsamir_upatelRohitKohli236MacKoolio
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,758
    • FAVS
    TerseLiltswhat2vrhippocroteezRohitKohli236Battyboy_69nomes_uRedemptionAJhythemafia
    • 878
    • RETWEETS
    aka_candymanRohitKohli236RedemptionAJlaylac520kimssecretacctTheAlexPToniRaviolliamiesamsies
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,624
    • FAVS
    samiam604SheldonsShadowandlaughter101prettypuddytatStellarSupremejamben82JimCooprnazilarrybird
    • 809
    • RETWEETS
    samiam604andlaughter101StellarSupremeooftCookiesjamben82Philip37937aka_candymanRohitKohli236
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,585
    • FAVS
    Mr_Role_Modelandlaughter101TehNemsterclassyhippie287StellarSupremevexroidjamben82pink_cutlet
    • 810
    • RETWEETS
    StellarSupremejamben82RohitKohli236vicynicalheatherjsRedemptionAJalscarfe123Starchily90
    heatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,624
    • FAVS
    StellarSupremejamben82Darth_Michael_chilledharry211aka_candymanTerseLiltskootenaychickRohitKohli236
    • 687
    • RETWEETS
    StellarSupremejamben82Darth_Michael_chilledharry211aka_candymanRohitKohli236RedemptionAJhafishey
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,433
    • FAVS
    BazarComedyvexroidRuffbintanazilarrybirdBarlow_Eddieaka_candymanTerseLiltspink_cutlet
    • 849
    • RETWEETS
    BazarComedyRuffbintaRohitKohli236FLABOYZGURLTrollingMyAss__JessicaSpracherMissMonster89cognitiveimagry
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,447
    • FAVS
    sab1caamMartinetAbhi_India1Terrence101010JackAce86MSblondiegirlHoneyChild23BrokeBald
    • 824
    • RETWEETS
    dumplogicrejish7IndianRebelsinsanedesiantrajoshi3raviivarLucid_LuckSatanKiNani
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,467
    • FAVS
    _eyukamhwMSblondiegirlBrokeBaldashleycremJeni_DeckeriharshithTerseLilts
    • 773
    • RETWEETS
    _eyukbrainspirationsMSblondiegirlBrokeBaldJeni_DeckerSmartticismsRohitKohli236Nostepinmom
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,529
    • FAVS
    vexroidKireiOnisomethingpsychPhilscbxPete6901TerseLiltsJohnnyBeGooodddRohitKohli236
    • 632
    • RETWEETS
    KireiOnijimmy_blastmageJohnnyBeGooodddRohitKohli236GigsIsMyNameit_is_possible_translucentme_RedemptionAJ
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,313
    • FAVS
    hippocroteezRohitKohli236SashaBuchanan1JeanieMacIsaacCallieLeah66KYGingerMentalDV8moose_chocolate
    • 658
    • RETWEETS
    SashaBuchanan1MentalDV8patcoholicmoose_chocolatefletchworld73krishna_vantranslucentme_RedemptionAJ
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,185
    • FAVS
    RohitKohli236g4barryGigsIsMyNameRedemptionAJhythemafiafoosa_dogWHEREISWALTJNRTalkinghands69__
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    GigsIsMyNameRedemptionAJWHEREISWALTJNRtimb1044SerialFuckupTheAlexPsee_more13Heres_katie
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,239
    • FAVS
    gibbethispanicmathmanseanmur30640484JGnomoreDVML_OliverImperfectmomma1Jenn_x2_TruNonsense
    • 502
    • RETWEETS
    carole_mulzhispanicmathmanwh4tth3puckGAfarmgirl130TruNonsensetexasstalkermomIuckSanaequinelover137
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,194
    • FAVS
    MentalMisterbrickdustbluesdebbiering1Maui_SpeakshispanicmathmanDanirun262StellarSupremeJonny_Dodds
    • 527
    • RETWEETS
    MentalMisterdebbiering1TonyLynnDukehispanicmathmanStellarSupremeliebshenJonny_DoddsCaniacMONK
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,117
    • FAVS
    Jerome66Jenkinslucy_nyholm123bobfish1973TehNemstermay_gibsonroeorrTheGaryWinnerSassyTexasGal
    • 449
    • RETWEETS
    lucy_nyholm123KittenMrowlsly_dogeroeorrSassyTexasGalglambertgrannyDouchekevinRohitKohli236
    Cunda22Karate_HorseWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.

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