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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,883
    • FAVS
    Achtervolgernichole7676satiricalterrorrayyyychalmostheavenlyLogeBeaverJbeats12Why_ass_u_me
    • 3,424
    • RETWEETS
    kasseeperlislowbrowrehabLoveNLunchmeat2intotealmostheavenlyLoriReality1989HuwLaytonUsefulAmy
    Sean_Burgundy_treadmilldhythemafiajeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,483
    • FAVS
    Why_ass_u_mezia786_kamran4143MeZuni_Kamy1522MadDi_PTItigeRsab1ca__Tony_pandit
    • 1,715
    • RETWEETS
    RJ_kumarkumarswollenvoicebhartisharma111Kamy1522JiaSaqib1sab1ca__Tony_panditAroushaIqbal
    BarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,383
    • FAVS
    PeachesNPorkjimhudson36IzianikapaniErik_AllenSexyNephilimTheRealDSAops_LukeWhy_ass_u_me
    • 1,649
    • RETWEETS
    PeachesNPorkorgasnomtheginge1993sexylucylady5MaryamUsmanRafiAmishPornStar1ops_LukeRealVendettaZA
    sixfootcandyOldUncleDaveOStupidSophia___Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOU__MasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 2,016
    • FAVS
    saraageeekaseyking07Why_ass_u_meBLG216Denise_Feruniommzgi_problemchildherrer_isac
    • 1,147
    • RETWEETS
    KaeleaRosestephshipestevepercehythemafiaNichole_Perry3ashleystruck13daniellebackes1CPK3
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_dazeDumbAliassee_more13Traceylei2Ginger_No_MoreAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,938
    • FAVS
    BrdnHatesYouboozer16Bob_McgroarybetowmxLoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meRealVendettaZAstephshipe
    • 1,152
    • RETWEETS
    ClassySmashedwritingwrongzbetowmxredpawn3RealVendettaZAstephshipehythemafiax_sparkly_x
    grantgirl2004Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,834
    • FAVS
    at1stiwasafraidsongbird8918Why_ass_u_medeedragonhunterstephshipeallthingspoeticDebstarr1619Sean_Burgundy_
    • 1,032
    • RETWEETS
    at1stiwasafraidBardenMsdeedragonhuntergi_problemchildstephshipeSean_Burgundy_GreenEyedLoonTlaxBoy05
    RohitKohli236nomes_uSerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,851
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meBLG216gi_problemchildherrer_isac_SimplyA_BINGBING_LUXURYseamussaid
    • 911
    • RETWEETS
    BLG216UniqueCheeksJhythemafiaChesterSquarezvariirbradthegunnCPK3Debstarr1619
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScamp__CYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,770
    • FAVS
    snide_leahAphotic_DemiseReginaldDennysLoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meShut_up_MarissaallthingspoeticMissVJanelle
    • 882
    • RETWEETS
    redpawn3MissVJanelleSean_Burgundy_TlaxBoy05aka_candymanRohitKohli236RedemptionAJ52O11149O
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,634
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meSpaziotwatgi_problemchildstephshipestephanopolis14Shut_up_MarissaMissVJanelle
    • 813
    • RETWEETS
    KathG19CPK3Sean_Burgundy_TlaxBoy05samiam604andlaughter101StellarSupremeooftCookies
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,604
    • FAVS
    hmharperlucy_nyholm123LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meDiaryOfHonestygi_problemchildstephshipeallthingspoetic
    • 820
    • RETWEETS
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    heatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,633
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_megi_problemchildallthingspoeticMissVJanelleraininmyhandsSean_Burgundy_starwarsshirt
    • 691
    • RETWEETS
    CPK3Sean_Burgundy_YamQuestTlaxBoy05StellarSupremejamben82Just__me_herechilledharry211
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,454
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeat10ECGIRL1975almostheavenlyDirtyCarieHuwLaytonWhy_ass_u_meDenise_FeruniSpaziotwat
    • 864
    • RETWEETS
    pretty_gravesredpawn3happyashyKeepyngKozyBlinkingeyesssalmostheavenlyLoriReality1989HuwLayton
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,458
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meSpaziotwatThogar_KarolyynShut_up_MarissaMissVJanellearkveggiepants
    • 834
    • RETWEETS
    BLG216DaphneDoo__KarolyynSeattleGrumprugratdaddySCs_HotMessarkveggiepantsc4lif0rnia23
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,473
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meFancyNancyAnnizrahamedSSourblondieNicoAspeling_eyukamhw
    • 775
    • RETWEETS
    qweenameNicoAspeling_eyukFedUpwNarcisstsMSblondiegirlBrokeBaldJeni_DeckerSmartticisms
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOU__jumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,541
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_memyaeger1994Shut_up_MarissaMissVJanelleallthingspoeticSean_Burgundy_Just_Antz
    • 640
    • RETWEETS
    dotlatishamyaeger1994pinocchioooSean_Burgundy_Just_AntzlaurajanenortononathanJLivi20NicoAspeling
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,316
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatat1stiwasafraidWhy_ass_u_mehippocroteezRohitKohli236SashaBuchanan1JeanieMacIsaacCallieLeah66
    • 659
    • RETWEETS
    at1stiwasafraidSashaBuchanan1MentalDV8patcoholicmoose_chocolatefletchworld73krishna_vantranslucentme_
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,195
    • FAVS
    lap83199redvoodoo7jane_snowbalrandomlady74kaztharsisNaomiGlitterLoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_me
    • 642
    • RETWEETS
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    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,241
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_megibbethispanicmathmanseanmur30640484JGnomoreDVML_OliverImperfectmomma1
    • 502
    • RETWEETS
    carole_mulzhispanicmathmanwh4tth3puckGAfarmgirl130TruNonsensetexasstalkermomIuckSanaequinelover137
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,196
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meMentalMisterbrickdustbluesdebbiering1Maui_SpeakshispanicmathmanDanirun262
    • 527
    • RETWEETS
    MentalMisterdebbiering1TonyLynnDukehispanicmathmanStellarSupremeliebshenJonny_DoddsCaniacMONK
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,119
    • FAVS
    LoveNLunchmeatWhy_ass_u_meJerome66Jenkinslucy_nyholm123bobfish1973TehNemstermay_gibsonroeorr
    • 449
    • RETWEETS
    lucy_nyholm123KittenMrowlsly_dogeroeorrSassyTexasGalglambertgrannyDouchekevinRohitKohli236
    Cunda22Karate_HorseWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.

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