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  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 5,231
    • LIKES
    HalperElashaggreyjoyMidianiteMannaadamsteilenthyscotic1sandra_allvesruthfw13prodromalaroma
    • 3,673
    • RETWEETS
    adamsteilenkaitguillysandra_allvesruthfw13hamzakhaldJana_JambalayaPetraBookingbtlnsdolfin
    hirojesusDeurb1chopper4jkrealHamOnWryGobshite_garrettbarry70Sean_Burgundy_treadmilldhythemafiajeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt73SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglide__DumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21__Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbeta__I_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynn__fluffysuses_cLaN07grumsal_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe___avaricious1Hello___BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__KSTurpenkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,643
    • LIKES
    MunkManiagirishv11PatriotChicagoShut_up_Marissavajennilogue2__1TinttarainenKerstinMaybaumHoldawayIan
    • 1,814
    • RETWEETS
    kimlockhartgabennie_teegirishv11Chicken_shinobivajennilogue2__1TinttarainenHoldawayIanphantanagram726
    SharpeBytesiamjeffsloanMidgetspardapluskBarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21__Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityMatadorMadimaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,502
    • LIKES
    katta_IoIkattReezyIsMyNamePnefariousmarcusparkersolDrummer_GeorgeNiksterellaRobertgrizzlyPNightShade10
    • 1,726
    • RETWEETS
    katta_IoIkattNiksterellaRobertgrizzlyPkimlockhartgaRdrJay47boozer1608NyxPolhunterP
    SharpeBytessixfootcandyOldUncleDaveOStupidSophia___Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOU__MasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 2,100
    • LIKES
    ReezyIsMyNameSleazyToForgetstasiakeita08NyxEoisitIamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJar
    • 1,284
    • RETWEETS
    vapourintheairLaContentaVidaStarlight211208NyxIamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81
    georgiabarnsMidgetspargrantgirl2004Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEdSCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 2,070
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersol08Nyxspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81AmeiamThaJawnuserperdad__
    • 1,191
    • RETWEETS
    boozer1608Nyxspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81ThaJawnuserperdad__J_Illunninati
    MidgetsparnativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_dazeDumbAliassee_more13Traceylei2__Syncophant__AspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,898
    • LIKES
    boozer16PolhunterPheatherjsBackrowSeats__spicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81televictim22
    • 1,077
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16heatherjsBackrowSeats__IamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets8108Nyx
    SharpeBytesRohitKohli236nomes_uSerialFuckupCunda22jdbalani__WULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,937
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolkimlockhartgawannamer108NyxIamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81
    • 959
    • RETWEETS
    wannamer1Starlight2112boozer1608NyxIamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJarnotniceguy19
    treadmilldKatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScamp__CYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,864
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolboozer16IamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81ThisistheJDStartAgain69
    • 945
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16IamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJarStartAgain69LaserGh0stTimberwolf___Douchekevin
    oaeeiwhiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4R__nativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocs__filmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,735
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolboozer16spicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81cliffhaysLibrarianSpecsVwithanE
    • 901
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    boozer16spicy_peenBellesJardrunktweets81cliffhayslisaisanauthorRudeRidingRomeoBlackJerms
    TheWadestheatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,723
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16PolhunterPBellesJardrunktweets81BiscuitFloaterTeaAndGoodTimes
    • 869
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16PolhunterPBellesJardrunktweets81BiscuitFloaterReturnOfBrunoJeannieG40Douchekevin
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,560
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16heatherjsIamEveryDayPpldrunktweets81Adrian_CgySwanstonRobert
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16heatherjsIamEveryDayPpldrunktweets81JeannieG40Douchekevin08NyxThaJawn
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,701
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolboozer16heatherjsdrunktweets81newbegininningsBiscuitFloaterTinaraMinus10Neon_Dragon
    • 725
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16heatherjsnewbegininningsBiscuitFloaterNeon_DragonDouchekevinThaJawnkarenphotog
    WULFDEANLAZ138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,533
    • LIKES
    TakenToTheLimitEAlMansyclick4amandaScottwB42rustygunterCharmandBrainsboozer16heatherjs
    • 881
    • RETWEETS
    EAlMansyScottwB42rustygunterCharmandBrainsboozer16heatherjsDouchekevinlmwortho
    jeffreyvanclea1SharpeBytesThe_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,549
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolheatherjsdrunktweets81newbegininningsBiscuitFloaterTinaraMinus10Neon_Dragonasiananomaly
    • 816
    • RETWEETS
    heatherjsdrunktweets81BiscuitFloaterNeon_DragonasiananomalyelcaponeJeannieG40Douchekevin
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOU__jumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,611
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16Eoisitheatherjsdrunktweets81DouchekevinEightEighthsSan
    • 677
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16heatherjsSteveThomas6708NyxThaJawnuserperdad__J_Illunninatiurekasgold
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,346
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16heatherjsdrunktweets81DouchekevinSteveThomas67ThaJawn
    • 674
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    boozer16heatherjsSteveThomas67ThaJawnkarenphotogfionnpittmanuserperdad__MrTallPaul1
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,225
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolboozer16heatherjsdrunktweets81Douchekevinnolegirl151fionnpittmanuserperdad__
    • 658
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    boozer16heatherjsfionnpittmanuserperdad__Afriken__sanshandledavison_gavinNtulele
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,265
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolheatherjsDouchekevinuserperdad__MrTallPaul1J_IllunninatiSocial_MimeluvmyADHD
    • 513
    • RETWEETS
    boozer16heatherjsuserperdad__MrTallPaul1J_IllunninatiJenSchober1ThatGirlHealygarrettbarry70
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,228
    • LIKES
    marcusparkersolboozer16heatherjsstonealdakida1bkarenphotognolegirl15146221308521b496
    • 545
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    boozer16heatherjskida1bkarenphotogFFC_UFCuserperdad__J_IllunninatiJustSomeAusGuy
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I appreciate your opinion but I'm still going to blow up your car.

    • 1,086
    • LIKES
    Runs_Wilddad_divorcedLaura_328nsbrwtttjustpeachymeScottgibb1Serious_Law_GuyLeah_1133
    • 643
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    nsbrwtttCarey_IsIDaZzavuSerious_Law_GuySmartassChefwet_pussy13One2thTEXANJamesonN7
    JimmerThatisAll
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons. https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=default&q=from%3A1Happytwit&src=typd

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