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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,677
    • FAVS
    JennaAdams96drolland56mand_brinK8Austengroom_wesbighandsmassuerTheAlexPYearwoodFan70
    • 3,296
    • RETWEETS
    dellen01bighandsmassuerTheAlexPYearwoodFan70orthopeerSameerP39918284TRPhrophetMondayPajamas
    cleve66biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,430
    • FAVS
    anshvir24nimmmyK8AustenTraceykemp8TheAlexPMondayPajamasurekasgoldpan_opt_icon
    • 1,662
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPMondayPajamasMagicSnipeKerseyTonysarah_anayaI_N_E_S_ArtJasmine_Drake_KadHenga
    filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,242
    • FAVS
    miswordedanshvir24sucker_punchRealmitzMagicSnipepan_opt_iconcozbelligerentjohngaysee
    • 1,527
    • RETWEETS
    MsPhantasticaliBLOOdyNONSENSECPTWonderfuckmiswordedsucker_punchMagicSnipecozbelligerentCarTeeAirUh
    OldUncleDaveOStupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,967
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhoMagicSnipepan_opt_iconKentWGrahamsimonchollandohiodadof3pseudo_fredflavoredfetish
    • 1,116
    • RETWEETS
    EmileyAllisonajayisraniMagicSnipepan_opt_iconpseudo_fredjewpizzafsufloresjeffswarens
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobiccc__saynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2GingerVonPaigeAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,887
    • FAVS
    EleSyronredhotmomma99EdLabineMagicSnipepan_opt_iconcozbelligerentbiggt197323NoLimit
    • 1,110
    • RETWEETS
    EleSyronEdLabineWingzChrisMagicSnipecozbelligerentKananeloVictorbiggt1973nsbrwttt
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,788
    • FAVS
    MagicSnipepan_opt_iconjohngayseensbrwtttsimonchollandpseudo_fredGrumpyBahrflavoredfetish
    • 998
    • RETWEETS
    MagicSnipepan_opt_iconnsbrwtttpseudo_fredflavoredfetishHumorParasitebyrdtwittenscott_towel
    SerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobiccc__Northside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,787
    • FAVS
    yourfaceizawsumFuzzy_Karmakazipan_opt_iconnsbrwtttd53boysimonchollandmommydog67willoffendyou
    • 879
    • RETWEETS
    TankCesarUnknownWishesFuzzy_KarmakazinsbrwtttHutch_DionnzthewordPandorabalksretiredfirstsgt
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,720
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconAnmclarktddfnKarenKristoDanieChasejohngayseensbrwtttsimoncholland
    • 856
    • RETWEETS
    DanieChasejohngayseensbrwtttpseudo_fredPPSNAKE56rhizomelifeHumorParasiteYoYosarian
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,582
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconPYWLjohngayseesimonchollandDawnLovesZombieA_Bike_Guylatte_dramapseudo_fred
    • 785
    • RETWEETS
    pan_opt_iconjohngayseeA_Bike_Guypseudo_fredPete6901flavoredfetishDamn_its_SeanHumorParasite
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,547
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconjohngayseeKentWGrahamsimonchollandLambyMcSheepsNotBachibawlzExitThaWarriortadpoleno3
    • 788
    • RETWEETS
    DawnLovesZombiepseudo_fredPurvoActualGetdabuzzSaveItForFestwesjohnson8HumorParasiteTITTYSTONED
    KalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,602
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconjohngayseepseudo_fredflavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3HumorParasiteTITTYSTONED
    • 672
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredflavoredfetishTITTYSTONEDkspinks4485dark_butter_fly__Shy_michelleGoldenSpiralsbeepsjr
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,363
    • FAVS
    johngayseeKentWGrahamLambyMcSheepsDawnLovesZombieTara4nowbeatupmartin__pseudo_fredflavoredfetish
    • 800
    • RETWEETS
    Tara4nowpseudo_fredflavoredfetishLike_Guineveremegan_alayneQuinnchopsxsayssSano_From_SRK
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,404
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconcozbelligerentrepeatasneededjohngayseewakethebadgerkylesbehonestsuthernhostile__cassvince
    • 747
    • RETWEETS
    pan_opt_iconcozbelligerentrepeatasneededsuthernhostile__cassvinceOhgoddessitsmejimandrewsmusicA_Bike_Guy
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,504
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconsimonchollandpseudo_fredjohngayseeDanny_McH2Oredpawn3SissiSayTITTYSTONED
    • 617
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_frednsbrwtttTITTYSTONEDleahjeanelleDeurb1li4mst3w4rtdark_butter_fly__TruNonsense
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,327
    • FAVS
    CVTBabySkinnieTallsThe_IceMan555CueSanitycherryminxDigitalGeisha_UnknownWishesLoveYoorFate
    • 727
    • RETWEETS
    DamnitSbtn69shadesoftaarcherryminxStoned_HusbandUnknownWishesLoveYoorFateFuzzy_Karmakazimyerised
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,286
    • FAVS
    pan_opt_iconsimonchollandpseudo_fredjohngayseeKentWGrahamflavoredfetishDanny_McH2Oredpawn3
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_frednsbrwtttflavoredfetishonlineviewsDeurb1RealJinjaNinjapamela_meehanPDogg8675309
    WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,166
    • FAVS
    pseudo_fredPYWLjohngayseeKentWGrahamnsbrwtttflavoredfetishstrangeHelenashesananteater
    • 621
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredjohngayseensbrwtttshesananteaterDanny_McH2OameelouiseVDeurb1ReiswigR
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,152
    • FAVS
    rayzvibepseudo_fredWHEREISWALTJNRKentWGrahamnsbrwtttLambyMcSheepsflavoredfetishDanny_McH2O
    • 497
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredMasterOfFurynsbrwtttruffyoungWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurp
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,170
    • FAVS
    pseudo_fredjohngayseeDanny_McH2Oredpawn3tddybearsuicidebleustreakDeurb1DrDweezil
    • 463
    • RETWEETS
    pseudo_fredleahjeanelleWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurpclean_not_soberjeffreyvanclea1
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,090
    • FAVS
    PeaceofKateboozer16jeffreyvanclea1pseudo_fredjohngayseeKentWGrahamflavoredfetishDanny_McH2O
    • 434
    • RETWEETS
    JewelsKenyajeffreyvanclea1pseudo_fredflavoredfetishameelouiseVWebbPaganfingerDeurb1LaniBeno
    Cunda22rzaroscoWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.