My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

If anybody needs a better way to waste time, I highly recommend trying to please everyone.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

You can run but my rifle's got a scope.