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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,566
    • FAVS
    markste71128147ednotsowisesassyliferuinerShaistaJustinTITTYSTONEDHumorParasitelllvvvzzzDrDweezil
    • 3,238
    • RETWEETS
    HumorParasiteTITTYSTONEDtoebeatka_mwanareese210li4mst3w4rtauburnjasoncharrrllaa
    ElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_JolieAn_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,382
    • FAVS
    HumorParasiteDrDweezilka_mwanaMopoetWoodsTG_be_enoughNarcissusMaxmusWaterLilyDreamsOneOfTheseNites
    • 1,626
    • RETWEETS
    oh__eM_Geayy_youuWaterLilyDreamsFireMedicGA72mswallace05li4mst3w4rtjulsfoucher1966KhumzAomi
    filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,206
    • FAVS
    wallybertNyAdasusmanm1rAneelakhan1doodimdADDChickiecamnashselfiejelindafaye
    • 1,488
    • RETWEETS
    wallybertdoodimdADDChickieOldUncleDaveOTITTYSTONEDanansi_boiruqaiya_iqbalDeepakRai_
    OldUncleDaveOStupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,954
    • FAVS
    123HopesterPolymorphicOneGiverney666SRQ2UOldUncleDaveOC_Breeze550RogueCarpenterDrorlivne
    • 1,109
    • RETWEETS
    jeffswarensC_Breeze550Mrs1Potato1bicbicbitchtwitmyreviewiGreenMonkSexiest_Geekbigbaddru
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2CuntySmurfAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,866
    • FAVS
    GherkinovHumorParasiteDrDweezilbusynessNabilJmomegatronthemostCubanaMama82li4mst3w4rt
    • 1,091
    • RETWEETS
    ShaistaJustinHumorParasiteNabilJmoRoxy254A_ogegathepelosaCubanaMama82li4mst3w4rt
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,779
    • FAVS
    HumorParasitescott_towelTITTYSTONEDMatteroffact80li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupProfessorBBLaniBeno
    • 993
    • RETWEETS
    HumorParasitebyrdtwittenscott_towelTITTYSTONEDli4mst3w4rtProfessorBBLaniBenoGenevieve0404
    SerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,757
    • FAVS
    Genevieve0404BwanaChrisHumorParasitecallumjackson_vintagejunkfmli4mst3w4rtMichaelF317Cmack4018
    • 864
    • RETWEETS
    HumorParasiteli4mst3w4rtwelktaylorPlanker77dark_butter_fly__Weezie76IMBeanzTampaBayMomma
    PeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,708
    • FAVS
    rhizomelifeHumorParasiteSignedMomDarrenMCDON7__Matteroffact80li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupRealJinjaNinja
    • 851
    • RETWEETS
    rhizomelifeHumorParasiteYoYosarianDarrenMCDON7__Matteroffact80li4mst3w4rtRealJinjaNinjaDeurb1
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,570
    • FAVS
    HumorParasiteli4mst3w4rtprettypinkdotsMonicaaaR_HCalgaryFuturist__Giddythefuckup4bhavyaRealJinjaNinja
    • 777
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonSchlongRealJinjaNinjaDeurb1iamgurpfusedudefingerbone138BoozeTheDaddymascara_sara
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,534
    • FAVS
    Popey56TerrydirteejujubesMudvilleOutlookIntoTheDawnKennyD444srrahbethknotsinmyhairPurvoActual
    • 786
    • RETWEETS
    PurvoActualGetdabuzzSaveItForFestwesjohnson8HumorParasiteTITTYSTONEDDrDweezilcarollwithit
    KalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,596
    • FAVS
    HumorParasiteTITTYSTONEDli4mst3w4rtPippaLewiskspinks4485GoldenSpiralsGiddythefuckupLaniBeno
    • 670
    • RETWEETS
    TITTYSTONEDkspinks4485dark_butter_fly__Shy_michelleGoldenSpiralsbeepsjrLaniBenoRealJinjaNinja
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,353
    • FAVS
    attsmcjayShitNoSherlockSano_From_SRKTabbyElizajaneIntoTheDawnsrrahbethkaztharsisKeithPiper84
    • 797
    • RETWEETS
    Like_Guineveremegan_alayneQuinnchopsxsayssSano_From_SRKTabbyElizajanepuckchkAlly_Kat07
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,383
    • FAVS
    ManicMinxyHumorParasitenicmartanSolitaryMobli4mst3w4rtH_SternsPenisNicPHDeurb1
    • 743
    • RETWEETS
    HumorParasiteli4mst3w4rtH_SternsPenisDeurb1moskrinRealJinjaNinjaRichBeingRichcleve66
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,497
    • FAVS
    TITTYSTONEDtamis_02tddybearsuicideLarrys_CoffeeReeDickeySignedMomvintagejunkfmKatelvsnyy
    • 615
    • RETWEETS
    TITTYSTONEDleahjeanelleDeurb1li4mst3w4rtdark_butter_fly__TruNonsensejustdoitnowokLaniBeno
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,278
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtPolhunterPMissAdvent77Deurb1GiddythefuckupRealJinjaNinjaTruculent67PDogg8675309
    • 635
    • RETWEETS
    onlineviewsDeurb1RealJinjaNinjapamela_meehanPDogg8675309QckhdfusedudeSocial_Mime
    WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,232
    • FAVS
    TITTYSTONEDThe_Only_Kuntiox_micaelaJOE__11Bad_check70chilledharry211ScaryMegseanmac1904
    • 665
    • RETWEETS
    TITTYSTONEDerickson_staceyBad_check70artisticmeszolofighterromobileCarpentersCrackkspinks4485
    WULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,154
    • FAVS
    SuMacDanObscureGentjeffswarensstockejockConfideN_MusicDeurb1_jennjenngwundrig
    • 616
    • RETWEETS
    ameelouiseVDeurb1ReiswigRokamsizifruitbogShipInTheKnightThEjAs_Kamybergseth
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,143
    • FAVS
    ruffyoungtamis_02tddybearsuicideDeurb1li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupSwampFoxSlyRealJinjaNinja
    • 494
    • RETWEETS
    ruffyoungWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurplejehnjeffreyvanclea1fusedude
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,166
    • FAVS
    tddybearsuicidebleustreakDeurb1DrDweezilli4mst3w4rtSwampFoxSlyRealJinjaNinjajeffreyvanclea1
    • 462
    • RETWEETS
    leahjeanelleWebbPaganfingerDeurb1RealJinjaNinjaiamgurpclean_not_soberjeffreyvanclea1fusedude
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,081
    • FAVS
    Talathorntamis_02Deurb1DrDweezilli4mst3w4rtGregoryRuddBlonde4DayzLaniBeno
    • 430
    • RETWEETS
    ameelouiseVWebbPaganfingerDeurb1LaniBenoRealJinjaNinjaModerateBenderjustdoitnowokiamgurp
    Cunda22rzaroscoWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.