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  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 5,291
    • LIKES
    psinerdWhiteMalefredsaidfredJiBaoHePlusTenJesusshuturtraptat2skatermomTomFlynn4
    • 3,703
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    fredsaidfredDBMaxPCantWaitToNapha_MARTI_atwinkiesandwineitsmetrb1PitcherPlzthejdhalpern
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  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,651
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    PlusTenJesusalisoncdianaDBMaxPTheRealJaccbryismscrashtest2I_Bl33d_PurpleEAlMansy
    • 1,817
    • RETWEETS
    DBMaxPMsGreenGoddessI_Bl33d_Purplekimlockhartgabennie_teegirishv11Chicken_shinobivajennilogue2
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  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,528
    • LIKES
    psinerdPlusTenJesusJanelixirCantWaitToNapseptbloodmoonace1117IsWhatItIzHjPhotography11__
    • 1,747
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    PlusTenJesusCamargo_UrsJanelixirCantWaitToNapt_pangelinanIAmSaidWhiskeyPlanet_Rochellealervelykink__
    SharpeBytessixfootcandyOldUncleDaveOStupidSophia___Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgood__seejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOU__MasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 2,125
    • LIKES
    psinerd2MorrowGtimmydatripodSurfgirldebCantWaitToNapTheRealJaccFluffkinSkinnieTalls
    • 1,299
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    timmydatripodCantWaitToNapFluffkinMsGreenGoddess818NewbieYes_Sir37Was_I_invertedbee_es_tee
    jeffreyvanclea1georgiaabarnesMidgetspargrantgirl2004Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEdSCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 2,078
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsTroubled_GirlzMoonshineOTRJordicusMaximusIcyPepsi4MeDiamondLou69I_Bl33d_Purple
    • 1,198
    • RETWEETS
    ACKY79MoonshineOTRWandile_Mjilatavynnnn___BaabyGirlIcyPepsi4MeDiamondLou69boozer16
    MidgetsparnativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_dazeDumbAliassee_more13Traceylei2__Syncophant__AspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,906
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsTroubled_GirlzNateynaten8n8Pakingarzzia23ScottBrown1214sarah1mcI_Bl33d_Purple
    • 1,081
    • RETWEETS
    bryismsNateynaten8n8sarah1mcI_Bl33d_Purpleboozer16heatherjsBackrowSeats__IamEveryDayPpl
    SharpeBytesRohitKohli236nomes_uSerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8__AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,956
    • LIKES
    BRudlaffaudreyknoxThemrsno1powerpuss_JeffBaum13SassyTexasGalSortaSarcasticJlofarsays
    • 968
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    spazrunsnySassyTexasGalSortaSarcasticJlofarsayszami_singsonqueenothedarned0v3rthOughttlcprincess
    treadmilldKatarinaKrizIceIceBaeBaeWULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScamp__CYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,868
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsI_Bl33d_PurpleEAlMansymarcusparkersolboozer16IamEveryDayPplspicy_peen
    • 945
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    boozer16IamEveryDayPplspicy_peenBellesJarStartAgain69LaserGh0stTimberwolf___Douchekevin
    oaeeiwhiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4R__nativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocs__filmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,771
    • LIKES
    psinerdLei_rob1SuicideJimmy2mean4udanielhaidr_sanshandleHaunted_Heart_Dark_Koala
    • 924
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    Dsj77_AASalamHsaltt_n_pepadenimlunchbox2mean4u_sanshandleHaunted_Heart_redpawn3
    redpawn3TheWadestheatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,741
    • LIKES
    bryismsskyemom7Laauuritaa__geekdom2016annasommerGilly_Murphyshopkins776MoonshineOTR
    • 877
    • RETWEETS
    bryismsskyemom7shopkins776MoonshineOTRLilMamacitaDontGroseraGirlDiamondLou69EAlMansy
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,568
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismscoon_doggietavynnnnstarfish19673LilMamacitaDontAlenaRainVIPDiamondLou69
    • 941
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    Wandile_MjilaLilMamacitaDontDiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsIamEveryDayPpldrunktweets81JeannieG40
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,716
    • LIKES
    bryismsTraciGrrlAlenaRainVIPsexxylobsterDocDunc1DiamondLou69HockeyGoddess24Mischievousassy
    • 737
    • RETWEETS
    MrPistofficusHalfBloodBriansexxylobsterDiamondLou69bomas559Jsalaheddinepeanutgazellekoorber_mary
    WULFDEANLAZ138__slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,537
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsMindless4MilesIamEveryDayPplSouthernCheleEAlMansyclick4amandaScottwB42
    • 883
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    melpraktisIamEveryDayPplEAlMansyScottwB42rustygunterCharmandBrainsboozer16heatherjs
    jeffreyvanclea1SharpeBytesThe_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,559
    • LIKES
    Cookie_SaviorPittPensPatsitszizubryismsMetakaeSofiatavynnnnPaulaavsbMaquinnaEarl
    • 821
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    PittPensPatsbryismsmelpraktisWandile_MjilaDiamondLou69heatherjsdrunktweets81BiscuitFloater
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOU__jumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,613
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsmarcusparkersolkimlockhartgaboozer16Eoisitheatherjsdrunktweets81
    • 677
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    boozer16heatherjsSteveThomas6708NyxThaJawnuserperdad__J_Illunninatiurekasgold
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,352
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsgbobinaTroubled_GirlzWmAveryBishopDiamondLou69marcusparkersolkimlockhartga
    • 675
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    DiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsSteveThomas67ThaJawnkarenphotogfionnpittmanuserperdad__
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,230
    • LIKES
    bryismsJordicusMaximustavynnnnmikedoc1311954DiamondLou69marcusparkersolboozer16heatherjs
    • 659
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    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,236
    • LIKES
    psinerdbryismsrwmontydawndumonttrongausDiamondLou69IamEveryDayPplchuck112young__
    • 551
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    wollamartdawndumontchrisLrobtbbucsbabeDiamondLou69IamEveryDayPplboozer16heatherjs
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8__
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,270
    • LIKES
    bryismsLovegoodLoony_MrBob_52suzyrnmsnDiamondLou69marcusparkersolheatherjsDouchekevin
    • 516
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    LovegoodLoony_TrulyGumaerDiamondLou69boozer16heatherjsuserperdad__MrTallPaul1J_Illunninati
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Pyro @1Happytwit

    I appreciate your opinion but I'm still going to blow up your car.

    • 1,099
    • LIKES
    psinerdskullpuppy11bryismsCantWaitToNapNotoliviasteelCarolulu88straightnofiltrliquidthoughtKE
    • 645
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    CantWaitToNapBundyphileXxstraightnofiltrnewstart43One_FineMessSaraESpiveykatarina_diditCunda22
    JimmerThatisAll
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons. https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=default&q=from%3A1Happytwit&src=typd

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