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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,887
    • FAVS
    leashalettenolifecoachpaulablu22SuperDanni09Achtervolgernichole7676satiricalterrorrayyyych
    • 3,426
    • RETWEETS
    leashalettepaulablu22kasseeperlislowbrowrehabLoveNLunchmeat2intotealmostheavenlyLoriReality1989
    Sean_Burgundy_treadmilldhythemafiajeffreyvanclea1cleve66biggt1973SerialFuckupElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbeta__I_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe___avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_Jolie__An_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,501
    • FAVS
    leashaletteAAnsalanushakarwaGina52263819KenHuxley1paulablu22SerialFuckupWonderMonkey78
    • 1,726
    • RETWEETS
    leashaletteAAnsalanushakarwaGina52263819miawkouepaulablu22jsinnott97wayne_dopeasf
    MidgetspardapluskBarW38filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,399
    • FAVS
    JustStooleashaletteknownAsDickLaarsaTulipSCGreyBeardBeerhazeMaverickGamesalli_win
    • 1,661
    • RETWEETS
    JustStooleashalettemaddyalouMaverickGamesmiawkouepaulablu22talldarkcoolguyprettychild_
    sixfootcandyOldUncleDaveOStupidSophia___Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOU__MasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 2,021
    • FAVS
    leashalettenolifecoachpaulablu22SuperDanni09JohnnyMalcsaraageeekaseyking07fuckesake__
    • 1,150
    • RETWEETS
    leashalettenolifecoachpaulablu22KaeleaRosestephshipestevepercehythemafiaNichole_Perry3
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_dazeDumbAliassee_more13Traceylei2__Syncophant__AspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,959
    • FAVS
    leashaletteChloestylostormzadorkJanuaryJameswallyfishmanGigsIsMyNametranslucentme_DestineyLynn
    • 1,168
    • RETWEETS
    leashaletteChloestyloGigsIsMyNamemuthenya_translucentme_DestineyLynnkootchiexoxTheDemonCard
    grantgirl2004Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEdSCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,838
    • FAVS
    Beerhazeleashalettepaulablu22SuperDanni09at1stiwasafraidsongbird8918fuckesake__deedragonhunter
    • 1,034
    • RETWEETS
    leashalettepaulablu22at1stiwasafraidBardenMsdeedragonhuntergi_problemchildstephshipeSean_Burgundy_
    RohitKohli236nomes_uSerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,854
    • FAVS
    Beerhazepaulablu22SuperDanni09LoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__BLG216gi_problemchildherrer_isac
    • 912
    • RETWEETS
    paulablu22BLG216UniqueCheeksJhythemafiaChesterSquarezvariirbradthegunnCPK3
    KatarinaKrizPeaceInTruth1WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScamp__CYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,775
    • FAVS
    leashaletteBeerhazeahoychoipaulablu22JohnnyMalcsnide_leahGothic_ArtisanReginaldDennys
    • 884
    • RETWEETS
    leashalettepaulablu22redpawn3MissVJanelleSean_Burgundy_TlaxBoy05aka_candymanRohitKohli236
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,640
    • FAVS
    LipLush1nolifecoachBeerhazesteviethekpaulablu22punmagnateLoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__
    • 815
    • RETWEETS
    nolifecoachpaulablu22KathG19CPK3Sean_Burgundy_TlaxBoy05samiam604blondeinside999
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,608
    • FAVS
    BeerhazeKenHuxley1paulablu22JohnnyMalchmharperlucy_nyholm123LoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__
    • 821
    • RETWEETS
    paulablu22lucy_nyholm123DiaryOfHonestystephshipeCPK3Sean_Burgundy_Just_AntzFancyNancyAnn
    heatherjsKalvinMacleodericonederfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,480
    • FAVS
    Beerhazestewielove30paulablu22xtrilhoKeeenerNeenerseesplitrunTeaBeaPeaYolandaRichard7
    • 888
    • RETWEETS
    leashalettejenngearystewielove30paulablu22seesplitrun_OonyinyechiJhonex_IVAdrenaLynn__
    SerialFuckupWULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,637
    • FAVS
    LipLush1nolifecoachnewstart43paulablu22LoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__gi_problemchildallthingspoetic__
    • 695
    • RETWEETS
    nolifecoachnewstart43ravingrantpaulablu22CPK3Sean_Burgundy_YamQuestTlaxBoy05
    WULFDEANSpec138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,468
    • FAVS
    mschluensen1cecilia_duarteDonQuickoatsleashaletteflnursey86pietswartz1Bagel_BitezLaurenWolfgang
    • 840
    • RETWEETS
    Enthr0nedDonQuickoatsleashaletteflnursey86SmokeEater1978paulablu22BLG216DaphneDoo_
    The_SculptressWULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,476
    • FAVS
    alli_winstewielove30paulablu22LoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__FancyNancyAnnizrahamedSSourblondie
    • 778
    • RETWEETS
    alli_winstewielove30paulablu22qweenameNicoAspeling_eyukFedUpwNarcisstsMSblondiegirl
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOU__jumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,542
    • FAVS
    paulablu22LoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__myaeger1994Shut_up_MarissaMissVJanelleallthingspoetic__Sean_Burgundy_
    • 641
    • RETWEETS
    paulablu22dotlatishamyaeger1994pinocchioooSean_Burgundy_Just_AntzlaurajanenortononathanJLivi20
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,319
    • FAVS
    BeerhazeTheOriginal_Spaulablu22LoveNLunchmeatat1stiwasafraidfuckesake__hippocroteezRohitKohli236
    • 661
    • RETWEETS
    TheOriginal_Spaulablu22at1stiwasafraidSashaBuchanan1MentalDV8patcoholicmoose_chocolatefletchworld73
    see_more13WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,201
    • FAVS
    nolifecoachBeerhazeTheOriginal_SSCGreyBeardpaulablu22punmagnatelap83199redvoodoo7
    • 644
    • RETWEETS
    nolifecoachpaulablu22kaztharsisredpawn3theprofessoriRohitKohli236GigsIsMyNameRedemptionAJ
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,243
    • FAVS
    SCGreyBeardpaulablu22LoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__gibbethispanicmathmanseanmur30640484JGnomoreDV
    • 503
    • RETWEETS
    paulablu22carole_mulzhispanicmathmanwh4tth3puckGAfarmgirl130TruNonsensetexasstalkermomIuckSana
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,197
    • FAVS
    BeerhazeLoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__MentalMisterbrickdustblues__debbiering1Maui_Speakshispanicmathman
    • 527
    • RETWEETS
    MentalMisterdebbiering1TonyLynnDukehispanicmathmanStellarSupremeliebshenJonny_DoddsCaniacMONK
    WULFDEANhidingfromme__wesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,120
    • FAVS
    BeerhazeLoveNLunchmeatfuckesake__Jerome66Jenkinslucy_nyholm123bobfish1973TehNemstermay_gibson
    • 449
    • RETWEETS
    lucy_nyholm123KittenMrowlsly_dogeroeorrSassyTexasGalglambertgrannyDouchekevinRohitKohli236
    Cunda22Karate_HorseWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.

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