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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.
You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.
Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.
I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.
It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.
If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.
You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.
Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.
I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.
I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.
You can run but my rifle's got a scope.
I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.
Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.
I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. The most valuable life lesson I've learnt is to never test explosives on your own car.