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  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

    • 4,559
    • FAVS
    Ask_me_later_kcarollwithitValeMtoiWangariJayka_mwanastacey_morelandvintagejunkfmli4mst3w4rt
    • 3,236
    • RETWEETS
    toebeatka_mwanareese210li4mst3w4rtauburnjasoncharrrllaaPaganParishTKMoniker
    ElephartNicoAspelingCarolineCaseyshanetheveinSteveBenson1MidgetsparladyfiredancerInnHuman__jumpdasharkSharpeBytescurlymalloyEyeAmBeauty_insinuatemeDranoRaulClearlyUnwell65_electraglideDumbConfessionsMrsGoose69pbear79JohnDuffy21Sparksy_nativeroguedemented_AshTweeetmebadAspersioncastfavoritedbyInThaBurbslovablelucasHome_HalfwayGroperClevelandSandyPeterzGeauxSaints79LetsTrophyGhetto_TrophyNorthside_MikeWULFDEANNoLuckWantedSailsman777SRbetaI_Mee_Myself_filmbizproCunda22mahatmatweeteriammaylynnfluffysuses_cLaN07grumpysalmon_SirPrincesssee_more1310InchesPlusWhiskeySoured__peachey_keensameblacklist____ImprobableEddiebkdcaseyCoolhandLuke100TheCamelToe_avaricious1Hello_BellaMr_goose007SlabBaconBPabstractemadmaxrerisenlucyworld1trialfemmesarcazm2StexcyAlyssa_JolieAn_Onnimuss______heated___________The_MartiniGirlCarolinaSong23_LiesSassafrasGullygavinpivottLABeachmomMasqueradedLady__SilkyPillowkevinrowe1Chip_Murphy_
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

    • 2,380
    • FAVS
    ka_mwanaMopoetWoodsTG_be_enoughNarcissusMaxmusWaterLilyDreamsOneOfTheseNitesKatelvsnyymswallace05
    • 1,626
    • RETWEETS
    oh__eM_Geayy_youuWaterLilyDreamsFireMedicGA72mswallace05li4mst3w4rtjulsfoucher1966KhumzAomi
    filmbizproOldUncleDaveOALadiesHeartJohnDuffy21Cunda22TaylormatronicsWULFDEANRefractRealityb00bjizzmaddie11_AndersRudeRidingRomeoEarth2EddieMr_goose007galiamangoredpawn3
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

    • 2,188
    • FAVS
    Ask_me_later_kmswallace05li4mst3w4rtrockcurrentgiddy_missMlleCrepeGottaLoveDXjohnmhty
    • 1,476
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtBaroquePrincessgiddy_missWhoIsMarieejohnmhtyABAHJOSPHmercibeaublehTruNonsense
    StupidSophia_Paula8020mcshelts99__________AspersioncastTHEDUTHCHESSjimmy_sharpemerican_ninjyWULFDEANMr_goose007Cunda22RefractRealitymewritesgoodseejaylincoBlairLoudlyFat_berrycarlykenI_SEE_THRU_YOUMasqueradedLady__DukeOfOyl________fluffysuse
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You'll find happiness halfway through a bottle of tequila. Shame and regret are at the bottom if you're wondering.

    • 1,922
    • FAVS
    Ask_me_later_kli4mst3w4rtgiddy_missMlleCrepephantasmagoryymercibeaublehheadway10VahidJazmin
    • 1,088
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtgiddy_missmercibeaublehkasumuni_MissHelveticaBRealJinjaNinjaBlindVigilDeurb1
    nativerogueWULFDEANa_olivia4212detroit_etCunda22Soberphobicccsaynebhmadam_daze_Ellsie_see_more13Traceylei2xGingerAvengerAspersioncastRealDirtyDonkeyEmperorAtreidesCaptainObtuseonenutleft________
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

    • 1,863
    • FAVS
    busynessNabilJmomegatronthemostCubanaMama82li4mst3w4rtjupiterLILYmercibeaublehCalgaryFuturist
    • 1,089
    • RETWEETS
    NabilJmoRoxy254A_ogegathepelosaCubanaMama82li4mst3w4rtkelvano_06885gingekittie
    Northside_MikeClaytonsaurusthe_couch_guy____avaricious1BCSkimGhetto_Trophyskin_and_i________WULFDEANGeauxSaints79rollsyrollsyiBrowniEd2SCOOPISMSBradBroaddusSeanEmenyScreaminMomX2Seneca_BluesTwistedEmbraceAspersioncastBlazedDonuts______ZeRoyalBaumer____michelle_angus
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

    • 1,776
    • FAVS
    Matteroffact80li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupProfessorBBLaniBenoHeyZeus666AnnichocRealJinjaNinja
    • 989
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtProfessorBBLaniBenoGenevieve0404joshpointtohhRealJinjaNinjaArt0f8Limbsjboucherpk1
    SerialFuckupCunda22jdbalaniWULFDEANsaynebhSoberphobicccNorthside_Mikewesjohnson8AspersioncastCpin42missamandafilmbizproBanjo_P__________SunnyGirl1717MissWontwhat_the_hechtFloatersfinestgavinpivott
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Apparently “Beep Beep Mother Fucker” is an inappropriate way to ask a co-worker to get the fuck out of your way.

    • 1,754
    • FAVS
    callumjackson_vintagejunkfmli4mst3w4rtMichaelF317Cmack4018notstatejohnmhtyWeezie76
    • 863
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtwelktaylorPlanker77dark_butter_flyWeezie76IMBeanzTampaBayMommaGiddythefuckup
    WULFDEANNahdude83saynebhwarhorse76ella__fraserRickyScampCYComedyitmurrayashleycremfortuitouslifeTheD_BagJarmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

    • 1,706
    • FAVS
    SignedMomDarrenMCDON7Matteroffact80li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupRealJinjaNinjaDeurb1ALadiesHeart
    • 849
    • RETWEETS
    YoYosarianDarrenMCDON7Matteroffact80li4mst3w4rtRealJinjaNinjaDeurb1Elephartiamgurp
    hiddenparticlesCelebrityChezP8NT4RnativerogueJim_Jumbo________InnHuman__WULFDEAN4Crocsfilmbizprosaynebhjus4golf__________GetCougarizedCaptainObtuseBudders88DukeOfOyl________AComicTragedy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    HR said I’m not allowed to make up names for my co-workers. I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

    • 1,569
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtprettypinkdotsMonicaaaR_HCalgaryFuturistGiddythefuckup4bhavyaRealJinjaNinjaDeurb1
    • 777
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonSchlongRealJinjaNinjaDeurb1iamgurpfusedudefingerbone138BoozeTheDaddymascara_sara
    DanielRCarrilloWULFDEANHome_HalfwaysaynebhjumpdasharkCunda22BillArrundaleGreenSmoke_Adam14thatstingsTraceylei2
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

    • 1,514
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtschumelli1ChloeHawke1CalgaryFuturistRohitKohli236GiddythefuckupShoutingGoddessKoldmonk
    • 779
    • RETWEETS
    carollwithitYoYosarianli4mst3w4rtCharlotteesheanLaniBenoRealJinjaNinjaitzNeeleshkapilvarala
    KalvinMacleodericONEderfulWULFDEANBrendanMcKeiganitmurraySeanEmenyUnFitzmartianhaiku______
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He's going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

    • 1,594
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtPippaLewiskspinks4485GoldenSpiralsGiddythefuckupLaniBenoRealJinjaNinjaGiverney666
    • 669
    • RETWEETS
    kspinks4485dark_butter_flyShy_michelleGoldenSpiralsbeepsjrLaniBenoRealJinjaNinja1CleverGirl1
    WULFDEANfingerbone138slyoung5hogrider05joseejojojocleve66snapperdoo________PantsDonkeyrsynder336________EZ_GpsychotropictKingPatrick24
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    It's a lot easier to drink a whole bottle of wine than it is to shove the cork back in the bottle.

    • 1,339
    • FAVS
    Ask_me_later_kednotsowiseWhiteLesleyanneli4mst3w4rtsockher_momHandsOnMonicaloopylopibaPolhunterP
    • 785
    • RETWEETS
    WhiteLesleyannesunshinerayofdark_butter_flyloopylopibacowboysmama42Deurb1ClaraPadilla38LaniBeno
    WULFDEANfilmbizprosee_more13Mr_goose007dmroberts1000illuminatedwndrNaggalie__________Jenny4ashley
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.

    • 1,380
    • FAVS
    SolitaryMobli4mst3w4rtH_SternsPenisNicPHDeurb1moskrinRealJinjaNinjamiss_foofoo
    • 742
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtH_SternsPenisDeurb1moskrinRealJinjaNinjaRichBeingRichcleve66D1dda
    WULFDEANSocial_MimeInnHuman__THEBU_ZZEDRefractRealityjazmastaJimmerThatisAllI_SEE_THRU_YOUjumpdasharkCunda22
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    If you're going to stalk me, at least star my tweets. What the fuck is wrong with you.

    • 1,492
    • FAVS
    SignedMomvintagejunkfmKatelvsnyyli4mst3w4rtTruNonsensePascal_1969Deurb1justdoitnowok
    • 612
    • RETWEETS
    li4mst3w4rtdark_butter_flyTruNonsensejustdoitnowokLaniBenoRealJinjaNinjaGorgeouSHANiamgurp
    BarelyStillMoi_RaRaWULFDEANfuqtardedBonaFideIntentSirEdSur__________avaricious1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

    • 1,278
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtPolhunterPMissAdvent77Deurb1GiddythefuckupRealJinjaNinjaTruculent67PDogg8675309
    • 634
    • RETWEETS
    Deurb1RealJinjaNinjapamela_meehanPDogg8675309QckhdfusedudeSocial_Mimefingerbone138
    WULFDEANCunda22Jenny4ashleyjoseejojojoSeanEmenyWritethatdown12nburrrtrophies____MadameSnippy______TheD_BagJarSoo_Scandalouss
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I can't decide if I need a hug or an assault rifle.

    • 1,231
    • FAVS
    The_Only_Kuntiox_micaelaJOE__11Georgiapeachzchilledharry211ScaryMegseanmac1904romobile
    • 664
    • RETWEETS
    erickson_staceyGeorgiapeachzartisticmeszolofighterromobileCarpentersCrackkspinks4485Sizzune
    WULFDEANNot_From_TroyPaxochka
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm sorry I hit your kid with a shovel but in my defense, he did knock on my door dressed as a clown.

    • 1,136
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupRealJinjaNinjaLeesy_Poojeffreyvanclea1Qckhdfusedudecheeky_dre
    • 607
    • RETWEETS
    RealJinjaNinjaiamgurpjeffreyvanclea1QckhdrndhousefusedudeshawnspreeSocial_Mime
    WULFDEANOfficeofSteveneakelFruitOfTheLoin____TheRealRHBtxLSUgirl_________SirPrincessHesOrHers________Mothpetelucyworld1
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know this bottle of wine pairs perfectly with the bottle I just finished.

    • 1,139
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtGiddythefuckupSwampFoxSlyRealJinjaNinjaCheeseboy22clean_not_soberwhiskeypenis__rndhouse
    • 491
    • RETWEETS
    RealJinjaNinjaiamgurplejehnjeffreyvanclea1fuseduderumandrocksmichellelove13Angry_Haitian
    WULFDEANhidingfrommewesjohnson8
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    You can run but my rifle's got a scope.

    • 1,162
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtSwampFoxSlyRealJinjaNinjajeffreyvanclea1Cheeseboy22swingcrusadergreggoodman77rndhouse
    • 459
    • RETWEETS
    RealJinjaNinjaiamgurpclean_not_soberjeffreyvanclea1fuseduderandomrunner69NicoAspelingfingerbone138
    WULFDEANMarkAFuqua_Huntjshires92________Ghetto_Trophy
  • 1Happytwit
      Sheila @1Happytwit

    Laying on the floor drinking wine is very relaxing, but I wish the drunks at this bar would watch where they're fucking walking.

    • 1,077
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtGregoryRuddBlonde4DayzLaniBenoSwampFoxSlyRealJinjaNinjajustdoitnowokALadiesHeart
    • 427
    • RETWEETS
    LaniBenoRealJinjaNinjaModerateBenderjustdoitnowokiamgurpfusedudeiamMsLaurenAshSocial_Mime
    Cunda22rzaroscoWULFDEANStorminika
@1Happytwit

@1Happytwit

I'm mildly amusing and vaguely interesting. Sometimes I eat crayons.