It’s hard being a loner when you’ve got a co-worker tied up and you need help lifting him into the dumpster.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.

You really shouldn't microwave a cat. Unless you plan on eating it.

Drop a cigarette butt in your drink so everyone knows it's yours.

I may be cute but there's no way I'm harmless.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Sometimes it's not about missing someone, it's about reloading and trying again.

I'm pretty sure the jeans I just pulled out of my handbag explain the free cab ride this morning.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Don't ever assume you know someone by what they tweet.

You're right, my apologies. You're a lot more interesting when you're intoxicunted.

I called my Dad's girlfriend his ex's name but it's ok. I explained that he'd had so many girlfriends, I couldn't remember who she was.

I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.

I'm no sex therapist but maybe you should get fucked.

It doesn't matter how hard you've worked, you can't say you've finished the job until you've wiped the prints off the gun.

Writing a eulogy would be a fuck load easier if there weren't so many words deemed inappropriate.

If you're somewhere you shouldn't be, leave a weird taste in my mouth and look funny, I'm calling you gerkin.

I’ve been trying to help my boss out to save him some work but he doesn’t thank me, he just shouts “stop fucking sacking people”

Kids always look startled when you call them fuckface.