I'm not saying she is a slut but her blood type is sperm

Apparently in the workplace TeaBagging means something totally different, for me it's ment 2 weeks unpaid suspension

The people that follow me are fucking weirdo's and I wouldn't have it any other way

Love it pic.twitter.com/XZDqSMkz

So today I noticed that Dog Food Lid is Dildo of God backwards - random

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it
Apparently, she left me a few days ago

If my name ain't motherfucking dog Jackson pic.twitter.com/kBAGWgKnCL

Why does my electric toothbrush always seem to taste of fish and have a dead battery?

My son is taking the piss about the football - should I remind him I rammed my dick off his face and jizzed on him - before he was born??

I gave my blind friend a cheese-grater for Christmas, last year. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

#UnlikelyFooballBooks that spastic's not mine by Dwight Yorke

Haha don't I love when I get wrong messages :-) pic.twitter.com/sivqRnItj8

Anyone want to come clubbing with me at the weekend? rules are 10 points if you kill a hooker with it and 5 if you knock her out and shag it

ive been faking Dementia for years, its great i get to shag the wifes sister then shit in the bed and blame it on the dog

ive just been giggling like a Mother Fucker at the phrase Pokey Bum Wank, im such a child

I'm not sure is its my cock that's twitching or if the body isn't actually dead yet

Can't sleep - Clowns will eat me

That awkward moment when you're digging a hole to hide a body and find another body

Girls who can fit both tits in 1 hand are not worth the cumshot

My cock is like a Rubix Cube, the more you play with it the harder it gets