Treat her like a princess, and she'll fuck you like a pornstar...

I fill my blow up doll with helium so I still get the thrill of the chase

Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.

When you star my tweet without a retweet I feel like your ugly fuck buddy, fun to play with, but you dont want your friends find out...

How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away everytime I untie you.

The best part of having a vagina would be wetting your fingers to turn the pages of a book.

Great sex means you both end up having to sleep in the wet spot.

You dont star my tweets anymore...you've found someone else havent you....

when your pets wont even look you in the eye, you know you probably went to far the night before...

My wife always changes the subject when I ask her what happened to the batteries I bought last week.

When I see a woman in her 30's with no kids, I automatically assume she likes anal.

Ok 1 last fucking time
Yes im Australian
No we dont ride kangaroos
Yes beer is a food group
No We hated Steve Irwin
Yes Wolf creek is real

#MyLastWordsBeforeIDie my phone, someone please destroy my phone...

My wife asked me if I wanted to help shave her pussy, I thought id do it while she was at work, gotta admit the cat just looks weird now

my wife thinks the silent treatment annoys me....

Everytime you tweet I picture you naked....

I still dont understand why anyone would want to be cured of sex addiction.

If you ever hear a ninja sneaking up on you, dont worry they arent really a ninja.

Never fuck with a womans mind, its much more fun to play with her body.

Looks dont matter if you know how to suck dick.