Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
"Bro, you're looking good. Your beard game is on point." And other shit I hear from randoms in Austin...
"Did you fuck the Baptist out of them?" is totally a legitimate question to ask a kinkster in the Bible Belt.
Words that make your heart melt....it's totally, all about that.
I know you're not supposed to have a favorite kid, but the one announces quiet time & tells the others to be quiet, is pretty much my fave
If they show you daily that they're not interested in your life at all...why are you so interested in theirs?
I was just told that you can buy anything on eBay so I'm looking for the fucks section...you know..to give at Christmas.
Crazy is a multi-sided. Keep turning it over until you find the funny.
The wind's blowing harder than your mom; better start a massive bonfire in the yard, bro.
IT departments are the bane of my existence.
Hopefully there isn't a major Ebola outbreak in the US until the 2035 NFL combine.
"I think it was Gerald Ford who said: 'A man can only take so many blowdarts before he snaps.'" - Jack Handey
Okay..I can either concentrate on what I'm fucking TRYING TO DO or my boss can stop singing Proud Mary
I'm not sure but I think "Ebola" is Italian for "zombie".
Dear lord, beer me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
No,but it helps you to destroy the enemies weaponry while he sleeps.
Sorry that whenever I ask to borrow something, what I actually mean is you're never gonna see it again. Ever.
For when your vagina is bleeding like a pig with it's head chopped off. ~ 1820s tampax advertisement.
Be the bright spot in someone's day, even if you're the dark cloud in your own.
"So you have no resume"
- not a bit
"Nice. Kids are upstairs"
Homosexuality is unnatural! It says so in this book where snakes talk, people rise from the dead, a guy walks on water & a virgin has a baby
Clairvoyant, Unabridged Phonetic Dyslexic, Round Trampoline Frame Medallist 1984- http://t.co/QDlaqmxR4f