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Broke my earbuds at the gym and just realized my grunting actually sounds like I'm slipping in a bath tub thats too hot
Never allow anything to come between you and your Twitter numbers.
4-year-old: What’s a pessimist?
Me: Someone who’s right about everything.
If you saw that Marshawn Lynch press conference then you know exactly what a conversation with my mother in law is like
Some are born crazy, some achieve craziness, and some have craziness thrust upon them.
If you don't breath in-between chews, you can eat more.
GET IN THE MOTHERFUCKING VAN AND NOBODY GETS HURT!
-me on the school run.
That one itch
that you just cannot scratch
You like this roof? Yeah, I raised it myself.
We pay people to write about wizards. We as a species need fictional wizards. Not complaining, just puzzled.
I friendzoned a little troll with a back brace so I understand.
They say in times of crisis you discover what you're made of.
I'm irreverence, love, laughter & titanium.
So much love n thanks to y'all Xx
Hey, people who end sentences with "if you will"
Doubt was the first murderer.
I've seen fossilised dinosaur turds newer than that avi of yours but keep it up, bad boy, we're all rooting for you.
I don't ever want to be anyone's keeper. It's too much work.
I'd be a Trapper Keeper™ though... because those are just cool.
What is the boiling point of bullshit? That's a question only you can answer.
I imagine the complaints of my children while building their school lunches. "Dad! You KNOW I hate crunchy peanut butter!" Yet I proceed.
No one counts to five like Lou Bega. No one.
Nothing can bring pleasure like no thing.
Clairvoyant, Unabridged Phonetic Dyslexic, Round Trampoline Frame Medallist 1984- http://favstar.fm/users/1knotwhole