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"I'm already done with my Christmas shopping!" - Basic bitches
Start crapping in those stockings now so they'll be full by Christmas morning.
HEY LOCKED ACCOUNT, ARE YOU TWEETING THE CURE FOR CANCER?
The main thing I know about pirates is that they loved miniature golf
I have the biggest penis in this petting zoo right now. Apart from the donkey, obviously.
Trust me, my horny friend, the last thing you want to do is fuck her brains out. See if you can figure out how to fuck some brains into her.
We left the zoo as they were closing & they said, "Okay people, time to say goodbye to the animals!" So I blew a kiss & said bye to my kids.
Convince people on the phone you've got a cold by snorting bread.
*Yogi Bear news conference
Yogi: Any questions?
Me: Do bears shit in the Woods?!
Yogi: Someone not on Twitter!....
I always bet on the polar bear in horse racing.
Want to spice up Thanksgiving with the family? Make the mash potatoes & gravy with weed butter
You talk too much.
~A romantic story
I don't mind sitting at the kids table.
I'm a jokester and they're an easy mark.
Happy Thanksgiving y'all.
People who are thankful tend to sleep better and longer. Happy Thanksgiving!
Having the government handle your healthcare is like Michael Vick running an animal shelter.
It's 2 AM with no power & the phone's out. The guy at the door isn't taking a survey.... Don't open.... EW!
People in the TV never listen!
To all of America, Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't get too drunk and go to prison, or else I can't read your tweets.
It's going to be an eight course meal today, with the best part in the middle reserved for intercourse.
Clairvoyant, Unabridged Phonetic Dyslexic, Round Trampoline Frame Medallist 1984- http://t.co/QDlaqmxR4f