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I'm going to jail because I don't dress like you?
Sir, you have to have your privates covered in public.
Agent: Hi sir, occupation?
Me: I'm a pimp on Tinder.
Agent: *puts that in computer* How long on this job? Tinder you said?
Virginia State Motto: gangs of old christian dudes on loud motorcycles and horrible coffee.
I may not seem like much, but I'm all I think about.
My motto is "Work hard, play hard."
Calls in sick and watches Netflix.
How many calories does it burn to wipe the dust off the treadmill?
"Bro, you're looking good. Your beard game is on point." And other shit I hear from randoms in Austin...
"Did you fuck the Baptist out of them?" is totally a legitimate question to ask a kinkster in the Bible Belt.
Words that make your heart melt....it's totally, all about that.
Twitter has taught me that there is an alternate use for socks, but I still only have a vague idea what it might be.
Oooo. Nice boobies.
My first subtweet.
I know you're not supposed to have a favorite kid, but the one announces quiet time & tells the others to be quiet, is pretty much my fave
My super power is turning a sweet compliment into something creepy:
You have perfect eyebrows! I'd sure like to watch my semen dry on them.
*stares at pretty girl and strokes beard
*the biker who's beard I'm stroking does not look happy
If they show you daily that they're not interested in your life at all...why are you so interested in theirs?
I was just told that you can buy anything on eBay so I'm looking for the fucks section...you know..to give at Christmas.
Crazy is a multi-sided. Keep turning it over until you find the funny.
The wind's blowing harder than your mom; better start a massive bonfire in the yard, bro.
IT departments are the bane of my existence.
Hopefully there isn't a major Ebola outbreak in the US until the 2035 NFL combine.
Clairvoyant, Unabridged Phonetic Dyslexic, Round Trampoline Frame Medallist 1984- http://favstar.fm/users/1knotwhole