I was concerned when my pee smelled funny. . . but it tastes normal - crisis averted.

Started writing down all the things I'd do to you if we met. . . so far I've got stutter and stare at the floor. . .

Lube is for assholes. . .

Jesus, take the wheel. . . .no seriously. . . take the fucking. . . there's a car. . . God damn it Jesus. . .look what you made me do. Fuck!

Stopping the microwave with one second left like I'm on the fucking bomb squad. . .

My greatest fear is being in a dildo factory during a tornado. . .

When you're fat, it's called ladling, not spooning. .

Okay...so you can pee in the shower but not in the bathtub ...got it.

Who "accidentally" licks a butthole? I eat it like a mule eating an apple. . .

well guys. . . a drop of public toilet water just splashed up my ass. . . .so I guess this is goodbye. . .

you don't have to sleep in the wet spot.....you can go home...

You better draw those eyebrows with a hint of surprise to them. . . I've got plans for you tonight. . .

"said no one ever" - everyone

Properly wiping my ass is as close to yoga as I'll ever get. . .

If your dildo requires "C" batteries. . . move along. . . I've got nothin' for ya. . .

If you're wondering how American I am. . . I left my sunglasses at a restaurant last night cause I was too full to go back in. . .

My Tourette's brings all the fuck to the cunt shit!!!

"My water just broke" - Redneck calling the plumber. . . Sounded funnier in my head. . .

There are two kinds of men who don't jack off. . . those without arms . . . and those without dicks. . .

Anyone have gloves in their glove compartment???