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happy fat bastard day....enjoy your diabetes...
i want to suck off willy nelson
yeah but where's the weed emoji maaaaaan
Where can I find these Easter eggs
See this scar? Back in the Cola Wars, wore my Pepsi visor too tight out on the campaign trail, totally left a mark. *thousand yard stare*
girl flirts with my b/f?
I'm genuinely happy for him
we all like 2know we're not completely repellant
that's why we work :D
Accidentally got on the spider bus. It was too late, the doors closed 'Where do spiders go?' I wonder as 1000s of furry eyes stare awkwardly
I created a tool that's part hoe and part axe. I'm calling it the hoax and you're welcome for all this free entertainment.
"Any more witnesses?"
Your Honour, I call, THE DECEASED TO THE STAND
*wheels out body*
Did this man stab you? *Prosecutor nods corpses head*
Off to Fred West Country later
*pulls on anti-sex pest knickers*
like, you get an @ in your interactions from this mystery account and in 7 days you die
Hey I just got an idea for a horror movie about a person who's stuck on a toilet just shitting his guts out because of a gypsy curse.
My coworker said I must be allergic to work but I'm still sneezing now that I'm home so thanks for the bullshit diagnosis, Melissa.
*Sees couple holding hands while one of them drives
*points and laughs
*honks horn again
*Drives away... laughing
I used to get so nervous in school when I had to stand in front of the class with a boner but now I just remind myself that I’m the teacher.
[two lions on romantic date]
*waiter clears plates*
"how were your starters"
*waiter bites lip*
"are you ready for your manes"
Waiter I'll tell you the same thing I told my plastic surgeon - give me crab legs.
I filed the side of my i-Pod into an i-Knife, any trouble and i-Stab.