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"I like cats. I like food. Hell, I even like cat food! lol I'm kidding"
*mutters to self just loud enough so she can hear*
girl are u Ukraine? cuz i dont want Putin to touch u
*goes to a titty bar* yes, I'd like one titty plea- ahh, what the hell, make it a double
[Navy docking yard]
Welcome aboard, here is your complimentary blow job.
A good captain should always go down on his ship...
darnn girl that butt look nicer than the confirm order page on amazon dot com after i just purchased 6 used sci fi & fantasy novels just now
Badgers are cunts. They should be called cuntgers because they're not just bad, they're cunts.
Han Solo was lukewarm to the idea of cutting open the tauntaun
If you love something, set a fee. If it comes back, mark it down 30% because now it's used.
Pull the rug from out your man's feet, the man's weak. Stay grounded like cement in the street, yo mom would just love to meet.
Oh you mean the night wizards..the negative white wizards, people who taught u to fly kites, gave you earl grey tea hot, Picard
i call eating 'jackin off my stomach'. i call reading 'brainsturbation'. touchin my penis is called 'why i was banned from all Dairy Queens'
*Follows Piers Morgan around all day looking at him through binoculars from about 2ft away, constantly yelling "MORE LIKE PEERS MORGAN"*
crab rangoon sounds like a type of specialized humanoid crab soldier and this tweet sounds like me not getting laid
Harry Potter and the Order of the University of Phoenix
real life tweet: i'm going to karaoke at a strip club tomorrow or "bareaoke". can't wait to make a bitty to dance to colors of the wind.
Yo dude I wanna get the sickest gear ever
*Buys cold medicine*
it looks like someone in accounting put a sub or burrito in their trash and i really want to go in and fish that cocksucker out
"I'll take a rain check."
-me at a rain bank
yo if anyone wants to give me a stick n poke RIGHT NOW HMU
I wish someone would rescue the poor little 't' in the middle of the word mortgage
I filed the side of my i-Pod into an i-Knife, any trouble and i-Stab.