birds of a feather nest in helena bonham carter's hair together

Obesity doesn't run in my family, it just kind of sits there.

If god made grass, and man made aliens..why the hell should we let the armenians take it away from us..

Dear Favstar. I should've spent the $30 on a hooker. Sincerely, Jamie

There are 4 phrases which allow you to interrupt a woman when she is talking: 'I'll buy it', 'I love you', 'Yes, I am an idiot' and 'Fire!'.

Why is it always the weird fat friends that let you know they're down for group sex?

Dwayne is the new black. He moved in down the street.

I've been on my own ever since my spirit guide got ghostbusted in 1985.

When my GPS says bear left I always look thinking there will be a real bear.

Why would I dress up as something slutty on the one day I can wear my Batman costume everywhere and not get funny looks for it?

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it's the saddest tiny rodeo you've ever seen.

Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.

I want to set up a booth that says "Free HIV".
Then when people get close enough to read it, I'll chase them.

Of all the people you've met, how many of them do you think were really just two kids in a trenchcoat?

Fact: If you write a suicide note that rhymes, it also works as a hit country song.

Why would I tell my kids that some old fat white guy gives them presents when I work my ass off every day to save for the shit they want?

Is this tuna really dolphin friendly? Are they friends friends or just Facebook friends?

I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

My wife hid the Star Trek movie I was about to watch and said I needed to do dishes first.

Did I just get Spock Blocked?

I don't get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?