When we broke up she said, "I always faked it".

Haha, can't fake crazy, I knew the whole time stupid.

Bowser was only holding the princess hostage till Mario finished off the plumbing in his castle.

son, imagine a prawn wearing c4 climbed into a bacon roll then detonated himself. thats what you did to your mums vagina.

Can't sleep? Count gay sheep. You may not sleep, but It's funny watching them bitch about wearing the same outfit.

Me: do you sell monkeys?
Her: NO. [Secret wink] follow me sir, [opens magic wardrobe] take your pic.
Me: [crying] I want them all.

Sexy Scotsman *wears kilt* your vagina whistles like a bagpipe as your pants mouth the words FREEDOM

Most men like fish, some men like chocolate.

That's how I'm explaining homosexuality from now on.

There's so much rain in Scotland that nobody has ever been dry-humped.

When in work I like to pretend I'm a wizard and cast spells on bitches who don't return my motherfucking stapler.

Welcome to Arsonists Anonymous. "My name is Grizzly Bear and it's been 3 days since I started my last forest fire."

When Jesus returns and asks, "what time is it?" I hope someone shouts, "hammertime" while waving a hammer & nail.

Been clicking on this grow four inches in four weeks ad for hours and finally my finger is 4 inches longer. Lol, I'm E.T.

The porn industry in Scotland is one fat girl filmed on a Nokia phone gyrating naked with a hula/hoop. htttp:Vote her next Miss Scotland.

VIGO THE CRUEL, VIGO THE BEDWETTER,SCOURGE OF CARPATHIA, SORROW OF MOLDAVIA, Is not here right now, leave your name & number after the tone.

I've never stolen a kiss, but I've paid for a relationship.

You can Pink my Floyd. You can Roll my Stone. But you'll never unkink The Kinks.

The last time I had sex it was in black and white.

I'm so drunk right now, I'm having to close
one eye to write this. I could be Forest
Whittaker's stunt eye.

Cats, teach you the wrong way to drink milk and a possible way to eat pussy.

My keyboard is fingered everyday and he likes it.