There are times I think I'd like to be married. The rest of the time, I'm sober.

You know what sucks about being in your sexual prime and not having sex?

Being in your sexual prime and not having sex.

Being popular on Twitter is a lot like being popular at Mardi Gras. It doesn't count in the real world.
But, there are boobies everywhere

Anytime a guy pinches my nipples during sex, my goal in life is for him to say,

"Tune in Tokyo"

A girl can dream, can't she?

Instructions for life.

Wake, masturbate, eat, work, eat, masturbate, sleep.

Rinse & Repeat.

I have big tits, but putting them as my avi isn't my way to get ppl to follow.

Like me for my humor & sarcasm, or not at all.
G'night. ;)

I fucking miss you.

I miss fucking you.

So close, yet so far apart.

Him: don't go falling in love with me because I have a big wiener.

Me: don't you go falling in love with me because I like it in 3 holes.

My "shelf" seems to catch everything that doesn't make it in my mouth.

At least they are there for something.

Me to 4 yr old niece: May I have some Skittles?

Niece: Sure

Me: May I have more than 1?

Niece: No, I already gave you one.

Kids suck

Ladies, if you find a guy who will do laundry, marry him!
Sex will eventually end, but there will always be laundry.

If at first you don't succeed, delete all the tweets where you tried.

What part of "I want you to fuck me in the ass", makes him assume I'm a Christian non-smoker?

Drinking OJ and wondering if O.J. ever poured himself OJ thinking, "Wow, I'm O.J.".

I need to quit thinking and read more books.

Told the Jehovah's Witnesses I was preparing for a bday party, going Xmas shopping, and having a blood transfusion.
They love me.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

My vagina is sweet, and waiting just for you.

The worst part about being single is having to pull my own hair when I masturbate. I need more than 2 hands to make myself happy.

I am too proud to beg.

That's why I carry Duck Tape, handcuffs, and rope in the back of my car at all times.

I don't dip my pen in company ink, but he can dip his weiner in my butt in the company bathroom.

Now that I can spin my bike pedals with my vagina, I believe I've reached my peak performance in my kegel exercises.

Guys?