Your night wasn't "epic." You got drunk, fell down, & puked in front of your friends. "Epic" is when you play electric guitar on a minotaur.

So is Scotch tape just tape from Scotland? Is that why it's such a fucking piece of useless shit?

New Years Resolution: become a delicious piece of Texas toast through sheer willpower $ get eaten by a hot girl & live in her boobs forever

St Patricks Day is when you pay a premium for cheap boiled food Caucasian peasants ate in their huts 100 years ago.

Wait, #tebowing is praying? I thought it was tricking everyone into thinking you have some kind of potential!

Yeah, autocorrect. That makes perfect sense. Of course I want to put my big duck in her wet puppy.

One day soon old Coke ads will be the only way kids know polar bears existed. #drownem

When I was a little boy all I wanted to be when I grew up was Tank Girl.

If you pull put your phone in the theater to livetweet a movie, you're probably a rude, shitty person who should be banned from theaters.

Some people try so hard to be not-racist that it inevitably leads to them saying really racist shit.

I just filled up a stranger's gas tank, so I'm pretty sure I can roofie whoever the fuck I want tonight.

I'll bet the International Women's Day parties in Saudi Arabia are off the fuckin' chaaaain.

they downgraded the solar flare storm from g3 to g1. i'm just glad it isn't, like, a g6.

.@filmcrithulk wrote a great piece abt Community. It's like a monologue from Studio 60 if S60 had hit WestWing heights. http://t.co/FzQsptLR

Girls dying their hair red need a support group too. One just for the transgingered.

My name is Tim and a thing I wrote is on the Digg front page.

Are legal pads better for doing math problems than white lined paper? (THATS A RACIST JOKE I JUST MADE IT UP ITS ABOUT ASIANS)

My mom just tried to play a streaming video by pushing on the screen of my laptop. She asked me not to tell anyone.

as long as you love me BERM UNH UNH WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP luh-luh-luh-luh-luh-luh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh love me love me BER DOO DOO WUB WUB CLAP CLAP

@miiszrhiian that's my homegirl hanh! she's awesome.