Guys, if you want a nice, sweet and normal girl...date someone ugly. You are welcome

Him: you're gorgeous! How are you single? Me: oh, I'm crazy

Its not fair that people get smoke breaks at work but I don't get a vodka break. Addiction is addiction, people

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning

I wish all of us lived closer to eachother. Then we could act like assholes face to face. It would be awesome

Reason #1 not to get married: You married ppl are always on twitter proving marriage is boring as fuck

Don't settle for misery just because you're afraid of change

You're only funny to the people that wanna fuck you

We sure put up with a lot of bullshit to avoid dying alone

I've had orgasms last longer than my phone battery

Its so disgusting when 2 of the people I follow are apparently "crushing" on eachother and I have to read it all over my timeline

FYI I will NOT be playing any of this April Fools crap. I am already a pathological liar and gullible as all hell. Its all the same to me

Its so fun to yell "I'm not pregnant!!!" once a month, regardless if I've had sex or not

Girls are fuckin crazy. Myself included...

Why would I pay for favstar bonus features when I can buy shoes?

If you say something stupid that offends me, I probably will act cool, then plot my revenge the minute you leave

Star this if you'd bang me

Whenever I get home, I always talk very loudly to my dog as if I am talking to a person, so people think I dont live alone.

When you unfollow me, I am going to assume you are dead. May you rest in pease motherfucker

My diet coke tastes weird without rum in it