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Him: you're gorgeous! How are you single? Me: oh, I'm crazy
Its not fair that people get smoke breaks at work but I don't get a vodka break. Addiction is addiction, people
You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning
I wish all of us lived closer to eachother. Then we could act like assholes face to face. It would be awesome
Reason #1 not to get married: You married ppl are always on twitter proving marriage is boring as fuck
Don't settle for misery just because you're afraid of change
You're only funny to the people that wanna fuck you
We sure put up with a lot of bullshit to avoid dying alone
I've had orgasms last longer than my phone battery
Its so disgusting when 2 of the people I follow are apparently "crushing" on eachother and I have to read it all over my timeline
FYI I will NOT be playing any of this April Fools crap. I am already a pathological liar and gullible as all hell. Its all the same to me
Its so fun to yell "I'm not pregnant!!!" once a month, regardless if I've had sex or not
Girls are fuckin crazy. Myself included...
Why would I pay for favstar bonus features when I can buy shoes?
If you say something stupid that offends me, I probably will act cool, then plot my revenge the minute you leave
Star this if you'd bang me
Whenever I get home, I always talk very loudly to my dog as if I am talking to a person, so people think I dont live alone.
When you unfollow me, I am going to assume you are dead. May you rest in pease motherfucker
My diet coke tastes weird without rum in it
Vodka lover with a sweet ass
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