If today is the first day of the rest of my life, the rest of my life is gonna suck.

At Home Depot, I saw two hipsters trying to load a toilet into the back of a Kia Soul. The best entertainment is free.

Being middle-aged means mowing the grass instead of smoking it.

Blackberries are the Amish of smartphones.

Dogs have it all figured out. If you like something, eat it. If you don't, pee on it.

I'm so old, I remember when we used to have to leave the house and go to a store to buy stuff.

If a guy ever existed who was a good listener, the others would kill him before it could spread.

"There's no such thing as a bad idea." ~ People With Lots Of Bad Ideas

When your favorite restaurant gets shut down by the Health Department, you start wondering about that "special sauce".

So, we talk like we're in a junior high locker room, and lots of people will like us? I'm in.

The barbecue place will always screw up your side order. It's known as "Murphy's Slaw".

I come to Twitter to be ignored when I'm tired of being ignored at home.

The easiest pets to take care of are dust bunnies.

Life got a lot easier when I stopped expecting it to make sense.

Mornings are hard. And that, kids, is why they invented donuts.

Years ago, I missed an important audition. Now, I'll never be a Pip.

Whenever someone asks for my email address, I just say, "Hit me up on Facebook". I'm not on Facebook.

When they tell you "That's an interesting idea," it's just a nice way of saying you're insane.

Old folks say whatever damned thing pops into their head. So, really, they invented Twitter first.

If you want to see some really good acting, watch a vegan pretend not to like the smell of hot bacon.