My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well! She's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Woman= orgasm, orgasm, another orgasm........
Men= orgasm, fart, coma.

There are so many people I would like to follow, but I don't see them use the word fuck, I fear we'll have nothing in common.

Me and 11 were discussing kissing.
"ugh! Someone else's spit goes in your mouth?"
Hadn't the heart to tell him it gets worse.

My ex named our iron "the clit" because I didn't know where it was or how to use it properly.

I said to a friend I was on twitter. He said that's full of sex starved alcoholic fuckwits. I had no comeback!

Those of you who don't own a television. What the fuck do you point your furniture at?

I think I've gotten to a point in my life where only 2 questions are important.
1. Can I cook it?
2. Can I fuck it?

I'd wear my shorts in this lovely weather if my cock didn't keep falling out the bottom. Maybe Daisy Dukes aren't for me.

I like my women like I like my socks.
Soft and full of cum.

I love it when you look innocent in your avi. Then I read your tweets and they make my internal organs bleed.

I've enlarged your avi so many times I now consider you my girlfriend.

Twitter, 100's of horny women. 100's of miles away.
Fuck it!

Why can't you star avi's.

Even though I've been single for ages, I still put the seat down after I piss.
Sometimes nagging does work!

If your account is locked and you accept my follow and your tweets are shit, I'm hiring an assassin to bring me your fingers.

I can't give a ToTD. So when I see a good one, I say your name and touch my cock.

Apologies if my tweets about not getting sex are annoying. To make them stop, just come round and fuck me.

I have 1 erection and 2% battery. Your avi better be good.

To all the guys getting BJ's on fathers day from their wives. Spare a thought 4 those who got burnt food and novelty socks.