I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members. That's how dangerous we are.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. #imjustsaying

I can always tell when my husband wants sex, he begins the conversation with "I was thinking about what you said and you're right."

Vitamin Beer. You know it's only a matter of time.

I think that it's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.

I use environmentally-friendly toilet cleaner. It doesn't kill 99% of household germs, but it does get very disappointed with them.

I'm probably going to be kicked out of this hospital if I get caught using their intercom to page Dr. Dre one more time.

I believe that love is a decision. This morning I decided not to smother my husband with his pillow. Our love will live another day.

If you love someone, just tell them. Or get drunk and "like" a whole bunch of their stuff on Facebook in a short period of time. Same thing.

Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you!

If you get sexted by someone you don't like, does that mean you got molexted?

I'm no binge drinker Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting I usually have 2 get up 2 pee in between my 4th & 5th

Damn gas prices, I wish that my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.

Im so broke that, this year, instead of handing out candy for Halloween, I'm handing out advice.

Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things women remember.

Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore...

Its a great idea to keep some people's phone numbers in your phone just so you know not to answer when they call.

“You were not born a winner and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself to be.”