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Girls: want your man to act like a gentleman? Start acting like a lady who deserves a gentleman, instead of a cunt who just expects one.
Pushing an elevator button multiple times doesn't make it come faster; the opposite is true of my cervix, though.
I'm so worried that people might think I'm a racist that I won't even say the word "vinegar" in the vicinity of black people.
The only reason I wear panties is so I have somewhere to set my phone while I'm on the toilet.
Apparently, when someone asks you, "What time do you get off?" "Every chance I get," is not an appropriate answer.
I prefer realism in my masturbation. So, just like all the guys I fuck, none of my dildos have balls either.
If you rub OralJel on your cock before you stick it in her mouth, she won't even know it's in there - NINJA BLOWJOB!
If I were a guy, my favourite sound would be that small gasp she makes the first time I slide my entire shaft inside her.
I bet Vince Russo just watched Raw, sat there, blinked a few times and was like, "Shit."
I do so many kegels that only dogs can hear my queefs.
Normal wedding proposal: He goes down on 1 knee, gives a diamond ring. Ideal proposal: I go down on both knees, you give me a pearl necklace
Pro-Tip: If there's something in a Tweet you have to Google to find out what it is... you probably don't wanna Google it.
One day I'm going to tell my kids, "Yes, you can get pregnant from oral but only if he spits it back onto your cunt after you snowball him."
If a toothless blowjob is called a "gummer" can I start calling anal sex a "bummer"?
YOLO? More like YODA: You'll Obviously Die Alone.
I'm not a slut, I just fuck like one.
You had me at, "Come sit on my beard."
If I'm not Tweeting, I'm either sleeping, working or masturbating. Or sleeping at work because I just finished masturbating.
If you ever had sex with Jesus, I bet the morning after would get really awkward after he asked you why you kept calling out his dad's name.
I'm a chef & a Habs fan. I have a blog I never update: http://t.co/a0FRiLk7bY. Sometimes I tweet about pro-wrestling. You've been warned.
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