@3hoss' (Eric Hoss) most faved Tweets...
Isn't it funny how you'll get up to do something, but you can't remember what, so you drive to Mexico to buy fireworks and start a new life?
If I was a raven, I would fly up to people and say "Nevermore," but then say "Don't quote me on that." Then I'd probably crap on some cars.
I think a really good speech would be one where a guy was talking about something important, and then he exploded and candy went everywhere.
To help speed up evolution, I've started yelling at squirrels because I don't really understand how evolution works.
I bet one of the best things about living in ancient times was being able to push somebody off the edge of the world.
Pyramid schemes are effective because they prey on one of the most basic aspects of human nature: that everyone wants to own a pyramid.
I don't think kids should be allowed to have squirrels as pets because of how they stare at you and read your mind.
There's nothing so heartwarming as your child's laughter.
Except for when they finally fall asleep because, seriously, enough already.
Except for when they finally fall asleep because, seriously, enough already.
As he plummeted toward certain death, Jack had to laugh when he thought about some asshole playing "Broken Wings" at his funeral.
You should only have a kid for the right reasons, like not wanting to rake leaves or if your wife is really crying.
I respect anyone who looks me straight in the eye, and then burns out my retinas with their eye lasers. That's impressive.
I think scientists should invent a plant that cries whenever you yell at it and that way you wouldn't have to water it very much.
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