A key ring is a very useful invention that allows you to lose all of your keys at the same time.

There needs to be a "Things Only I Know" category on Jeopardy.

I want to get a tattoo, but I don't want to get something that's going to look stupid when I'm older. So Im getting 'Worlds Sexiest Grandpa'

Every morning, the most demanding task I have at work is catching up on everyone's tweets from last night.

Somebody followed me, unfollowed me, then blocked me within an hour. I was cool, then uncool that quickly. Just like in middle school.

Had a dream about Twitter. I think that's the "green light" for me to go ahead and kill myself. BRB.

Hey, places that are 'cash only'...welcome to the 21st century. No one carries cash anymore.

If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just suck at it.

I've started carrying around gold star stickers, so when someone says something I like, I favorite it by putting a sticker on their shirt.

I do the best I can to make my corner of the world slightly less hellish.

I think the Guinness World Record of "most consecutive dumb tweets" is easily within my abilities.

One of my Facebook friends messaged me. Well, this is awkward. I haven't talked to one of them since I joined Twitter.

I only go to the bathroom where I have internet connection.

My favorite e-mails are the ones my boss sends to remind me of something I already know. Then he comes over to tell me he sent the e-mail.

Technically, I'm off of work at 4pm, but I stop working around 9am.

I drive a tiny Toyota, but I'll totally play chicken with a public bus just to make the passenger in my car nervous.

I was socializing today without Twitter. It was strange. I wouldn't recommend it.

An ape out-smarts James Franco every day, so he was perfect as Will in Planet of the Apes.

Sometimes I go to bed and forget to turn my swag off.

I told my eye doctor I wasn't seeing anyone. She suggested I might need glasses. Could this really be why I've been single?