My grandad lost his hearing and a thumb in World War II and I just sent back a salad because it had raisins in it.

If you see someone jogging past 9 p.m. they just killed a person.

If you love something don't let it go you stupid piece of shit.

Sometimes, when I talk to a woman I'll say things like, "that makes sense" or "interesting." But I know the truth.

Just watched a guy sneeze out yogurt onto his beard. I don't want anything anymore.

How do I know if a baby's faking an injury?

Remember before Hummers when you had to talk to a guy to tell if he was an asshole?

I'd rather sit on a person's knee, while they're taking a shit, than talk to their kid on the telephone.

If you've voted for an American Idol you shouldn't be allowed to vote for an American President.

Life doesn't do much to prepare you for seeing your dad put lotion on his legs.

I'd rather meet Chris Hansen in my blind date's kitchen than watch a person with braces eat bread.

Can't decide if I want to get a cat or just pay a bum to come puke behind my speakers and rub his ass in my face.

Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the police sketch of a turtle with sleep apnea.

Nobody's ever beaten the shit out of somebody and then drove away in a Prius.

Wanna be successful? Follow a guy wearing white jeans and make a list of everything he does. Then never do anything you just wrote down.

Just got some backsplash in my crack in a Mcdonalds bathroom. Looks like this is goodbye.

Still waiting to use geometry.

Sometimes to cheer myself up I'll leave notes around the house to remind me I'm not the lead singer of Nickelback.

Is Christmas the one where I get drunk and blow shit up or put a dead tree in my house and wrap it with electrical wire?

Just touched a wet doorknob and now I have to throw a hammer at a fish tank and drive my car into an Olive Garden.