Lana Del Ray looks exactly like the older sister in Sixteen Candles who was on muscle relaxants at her wedding.

What a horrible world we live in when we can't call an extended brainstorming session a "concentration camp."

This interview with @luckyshirt resonates as #thecocktailnapkin nears the end.

Best show of the series. Seriously. http://t.co/USa9Pjpv

Seems to me that "flipping the biscuit" sounds like some sort of euphemism for something that would make this joke funny.

There's still time. @ Train Wreck Winery http://t.co/43qF9Ubw

.@timmyfisher and I discuss the beginnings of @wearemk12 and how their work has influenced the mograph industry

http://t.co/PWR8LXCK

Hey, #smckc, there's a fundraiser for a cause dear to a friend's heart that I'd appreciate help in spreading the word: http://t.co/Ouf8piiQ

Apparently I'm supposed to follow everyone I've unfollowed over the years.

Thanks, Twitter.

I am the Pabst Blue Ribbon of lawn care.

Cashier: Pink Stuff dressing. How's this taste?
Me: Like a unicorn wrapped in a rainbow Snuggie.
C: ...
M: Oversold it, didn't I?
C: Maybe.

My 3 yr-old nephew did a great job birthday shopping for his mom: ant killer and hemorrhoid cream. Kid's got a future in pleasing ladies.

You've got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. Know when to open a roasted chicken chain.

Anyone have any size 40 skinny jeans? I'm asking for a friend.

This morning I feel like an ADHD-riddled second grader that got hold of a sixer of Red Bull.

See also: Cornholio.

Friends, it is finished. http://t.co/7oyMY80A

@lonelysandwich and I catch up as #thecocktailnapkin ends full circle. It's been fun.

I had the weirdest dream that @Mike_FTW, @indefensible and I were doing a podcast from a car, "Pump Up The Volume"-style.

Also, if you don't watch the @mulegirl episode, @mike_ftw will draw dicks on you.

I had a girlfriend who let me cram it in the boot once. Her trunk never shut right after that. #acbowl

Well, @quinnk, isn’t it just like you to make something about you into something about you.

You are SO needy.

Great opening line for a book:

Sure, she was just a "Walgreens cashier", but for one night in July she rocked my world like no other.