I'm the only one who gives me hand jobs.

I can tell by your boyfriends neck tattoos an street vernacular that your gonna be a single mom real soon.

Racist friend said all puerto ricans carry knives! So I shot him, because I don't!

Being stoned all the time is just one of the many benefit of always smoking weed.

I like to stare directly and intently into the dentist eyes the ENTIRE procedure. Cuz if I'm uncomfortable we're all gonna be uncomfortable

I may have a small penis but that's no excuse to laugh during sex. I don't care how much it tickles.

Saw a stoner on a bike get fascinated by something on the ground, stop an pickit up. Is that how I look?? Really? Fuck..

Fine wine an cheese
Ok beer an good cheese
Kidding no cheese an cheap beer.

Today is my sons first day of soccer practice. Wish me luck. I don't interact well with people. an I always smell like weed.

"why yes Timmy, women are crazy! But at a certain point in life you'll have to figure out what you'll put up with for some pussy!"

The secret to good kids is the same for fluffy scrambled eggs. Beat them.

I like the porn viruses on facebook cuz it let's you know who in your family was suxualy curious enought to click them

I asked Siri where the checkpoint was on the road. She responded with "15 ways to hide illegal drugs in a car" she knows me so well!

No, I can correctly pronounce your name, I get it wrong to be annoying.

My "swallow any pill without asking" policy really backfired on me When my aunt started taking estrogen!

"Hey you got weed in my cocaine!"
"and you got cocaine in my weed?"
creators of cocopuffs

The difficulty of teaching my kids to NOT be assholes is compounded because no one else appears to be teaching there's the same.

If your old lady is supporting you in life financially you should have to surrender to her fucking you! Plus you make the sandwhich!

Getting a large zit below my bottom lip tells me it time to clean my Bong.

Not enough nudity on TV during the day.