I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Kids say the most incriminating things.

WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.

Continential breakfast, much like adulthood, is the opposite of everything you hoped and imagined it would be.

There's not a fat person alive who wants to hear who they remind you of.

Why does everyone who disagrees with me have such a closed mind?

Your childhood was a "simpler time" because you were a simpler person. Get over it you nostalgic dickface.

If you have "Marketing" in your bio then you can rest assured that no one's reading your tweets.

The women at Subway won't know both subs are for you if you only get hot peppers on one, right?

"Women should be proud of their bodies! Unless they wear something skimpy, then they're classless whores who reflect badly on me" - Feminist

A fat 23 year old driving his mother's Grand Caravan, windows down, blasting Nicki Minaj's "Starships". That would be me, 5 minutes ago.

Women find me more attractive during sweater season.

Inspirational quotes guy, you're not a profound person.

Don't judge me, out-of-shape-skinny guy.

My mom's voicemail is always changing. Yesterday it was a dial tone and today it called me a cunt.

Relax, Lucky Charms, there's nothing magical about the deliciousness of high-fructose corn syrup.

You can add YEARS to your lifespan by not getting AIDS.

I've been writing all my lowercase L's as uppercase i's and not one of you fools has been able to tell the difference!

IMDb just recommended Charlie St. Cloud, Valentine's Day and throwing my monitor against the wall.

My life is like a rocket. One that's been decommissioned and on an escort from a 747 to a museum. What I'm saying is I'm single & unemployed