When I die I want everyone at the funeral to be whispering - "Can you believe he didn't even spill his beer when it happened, truly epic."

With all the money Jimmy Buffett has made you would think he would own more than one shaker of salt.

I wonder how many couples have gone to "Planned Parenthood" actually planning to be parents? Should be renamed "Fuck There's Two Lines".

I would kill you but 20 years in jail is really going to fuck with my drinking schedule.

If my last words aren't "I swear it's not tranny porn", then I did not live life right.

I don't care what Yo Gabba Gabba claims. I know a red, ribbed dildo when I see one, Muno. It even has only one eye for fuck sake.

My Granny spent 3 days on the floor because she didn't have Life Alert, but she couldn't put the groceries back in the bag during that time?

So drunk right now that if a radioactive spider bit me right now, he would get super powers.

He went to Jared to fulfill your awful lust for blood diamonds that an African had to smuggle in his goat's ass across 5 countries for $20.

Your mom called, she told me to tell you to stop being such a fucking whore.

Nothing says "I am the greatest at making piss poor decisions" like a neck tattoo.

If you are going to eat out your husband's ass every morning for breakfast the least you can do is eat a mint before coming into work.

My Boss - "We didn't give you a raise this year because we didn't want to put you in a higher tax bracket."

How work place shootings start.

I live in fear every day that my son might one day find out I use to have a Myspace page.

Red Bull commercials would be more believable if it showed a drunk driver growing wings and flying away from a sobriety test.

"Son, you have to look for the ones who are trying to piss off their father. Those are the easy ones." - The only advice my Dad ever gave me

The only running I have ever done is running out of beer to drink.

If you are having a bad day just Google "Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a foot" and if that doesn't help I don't know what will.

Only in a Godless world could a deadbeat dad who owes $29k in child support win the lottery for $338 million.

When you unfollow someone you should have the option to tell them what tweet caused your decision, this way I will know my best work.