so long and thanks for all the dick jokes

If I learned one thing from my parents it's that deep emotional wounds are best expressed while drinking rumple minze alone in a coat closet

Vagina beats paper rock and scissors

up late working, trying to catch up. When done, going to relax by rubbing eyes with soap, changing newborn's shit diaper & thumping my balls

Hot potato is a different game when those playing are starving

One day we'll live in a world where I can more efficiently Fedex my nephew a fart in a zip lock bag. 21st century, when will you arrive?

Brunch. Bitch. Ballroom http://twitpic.com/r1aic

REPEAT: Do not masturbate with Purell.

and all this time I though the Rainbow connection was an underground collection of safe houses that moved gay people to the promised land

You are the single greatest bastard god ever cursed the sweet earth with, you sack of rancid rat assholes.

listening to "elvis costello - Cheap Reward - My Aim Is True" ♫ http://blip.fm/~gp0tk

I think the gas station attendant was once a porn star. After filling up, he pulled out the nozzle and sprayed the side of my car.

RT @grumpassgrumpaw Only assholes use the media to bitch about the media.

Happy birthday Richard Dawson!! Hey....HEY! Get your hands off my wife you dirty old fuck!

I am a fucking scoundrel

Dear fellow men over 30. Painters jeans and cargo shorts are the new sweatpants. Wear them if you've given up on getting laid altogether

My wife's is dealing with my 8 year olds terrorist threats with a policy of appeasement.

This chemical-tan obsessed blonde girl wearing Ugg boots and singing the Bob Marley song "Natty Dread" is a first world problem.

Sorry DJ TX8900, I'm afraid that I do not give a shit about your Myspace profile. But that skull flash animation made it REALLY tempting.