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Ever feel like you're too weird for the normal people and too cool for the weirdos?
Pixar should make a movie showing the adventure socks go on when they disappear.
Those assholes who say don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee are still assholes after they’ve had it.
A divorce is not a failed marriage. Getting out before you kill them is a success.
It's hard staying caught up with reading everyone's funny tweets at work. So I quit my job.
Stop honking your goddamn horn. You'll get this parking spot when I'm done tweeting.
Guy who ran a half block like a girl to catch the bus but broke out your pimp walk the last few steps, way to stay cool.
The best thing about owning a tempurpedic bed is I can masterbate furiously and that glass of wine still doesn't spill.
I have muscles. But I'm not a big show off so I keep them covered with fat.
Someone could point a gun at my face and I wouldn’t be as terrified as when I think I accidentally left my phone at home.
One benefit of laziness is being a ninja at picking things up off the floor with your toes.
I don't care how hot you are, if we can't have a weird & interesting conversation I won't date you.
I'll still fuck you of course.
Guys who can fart while pissing in a public restroom w/out even giggling a little must be dead on the inside.
Never mask your weird. It only prevents people from loving the real you.
I'm good at seeing other people's point of view. Which makes it even more frustrating because they're wrong.
My first 50 star tweet. I'm the king of the world!
I'm a 35 year w/ a mountain of debt living w/ his parents.
The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.
I might be wasting toilet paper by over wiping but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Just because you grow older doesn’t mean you have to act like it. Never losing my childlike wonder is my only goal.
After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.
My outsides are made of doughy parts and fart jokes. My insides are full of gooey kindness and Care Bears.