I REALLY need a hobby. Everyone my age is busy raising kids and I'm talking about penises on Twitter.

Born too late to explore the world. Born too early to explore the stars.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage....

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

I just read that 2 people were murdered b/c they unfriended on FB. Now I'm terrified to unfollow Tweeters b/c I know YOU fuckers are crazy.

I only speak to neighbors with pools.

My mother just gave me sleeping pills for a headache which explains why I can't remember my childhood.

I feel happy when I look down and see boobies!

If you wear a mini skirt and thigh high boots to the office your first week, everyone knows what skills got you hired.

I'll do my best to remember your 1st kid's name. But if you keep reproducing, I reserve the right to call the rest whatever the hell I want.

My phone is sticky because I like to star you guys with my tongue to make it a little more special. You're welcome.

I'm pretty sure that Hell is lit entirely with flourescent light bulbs.

Wow. Just got my exercise in. Hot guy jogged by and I totally had to run to the window to check him out before he was gone.

Walking barefoot in the grass = one of life's under-appreciated little pleasures.

Cats are so simple. I wish I could entertain myself for hours by chasing a mosquito. I guess Twitter is kinda the same thing.

I wonder if my dog ever dreams about me.

Why is it that I picture Canada Day as a day when the Canadians all get naked and lick maple syrup off each other?

Sometimes I play a game called "If I had a penis, which of my coworkers would I fuck". So far, not a single one.

The best thing about being a girl is being able to look down and see boobs.

Also I should point out that just because I sit by the machine doesn't make me the expert. I don't know why the hell it's beeping either.

Am I the only person with the urge to slap some sense into girls who wear shorts with Uggs in the winter?