I like going into 99 cent stores with 98 cents and saying, "Aw, cmon!" to the cash register person.

Oh, I'm sorry, was this your Sharona?

Don't ever fuck with Twitter Elite. They're at the point in their careers where they can afford to hire imaginary hitmen.

I never ever doubted Michael Jackson's sincerity when he claimed that Billie Jean was not his lover.

Gerbils, plastic wrap, Vaseline... what is the meaning of this birthday present?

This tweet was tested on animals.

I remember the good old days when we used to tweet by typewriter.

Pro Tip: Get your boss addicted to Twitter too.

I've got an appointment with my lawyer this morning to discuss how to sue Twitter and Favstar for my chronic insomnia and low sperm count.

Conjunction Junction, what the fuck is your problem?

I was the one under the grate blowing Marilyn Monroe's skirt up.

I'm beginning to get worried that the people I hate at work are the exact same people I love on Twitter.

I never delete a bad tweet because somewhere out there are people with bad senses of humor, and they have a right to laugh too.

My shampoo loves me unconditionally.

I regret that I had even one life to give to Twitter.

I wrist my slit.
[the horny handless woman]

I'm just going to keep tweeting about what it's like to be buried alive until my batteries or air run out.

Once I hit 10,000 tweets, I plan to spend the rest of my life suing others for copyright infringement.

Success is not an option.

I'm only on Twitter for the fame and fortune...