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may your day begin with friendly calm people
Today shall be good no matter what idiot might cross our way, we shall stay happy.
I'm pretty sure all gay guys want a fairy tail ending
My nipples are getting ready to fly south to Cuba.
My vagina is satiated. Shhh, she's sleeping. Don't wake her up right now. She's extremely demanding.
You fuckers retweet my stupidest Tweets.
There is nowhere near as much swearing in this Scotland debate as I expected.
Hey Scotland, if you think getting independence means you won't hear about royal babies anymore, please know that that didn't work for us.
if i could, i would run her over
I ate a pumpkin spiced muffin and now I need a nap. Aaand spontaneously sprouted Ugg boots and a miniskirt.
Don't worry you pot heads:
The fire in Weed, California is not what you think.
It's a small town, not a.....oh never mind.
New drinking game:
Take a drink each time you hear, "Boots on the ground" during a newscast. You'll be drunk in five minutes or less.
I found the most disgusting thing in my McDonalds chicken sandwich today: a McDonalds chicken patty!
Twitter break starts now. See you guys in a few weeks/months ✌️😌