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DUCK: [tryig to buy a dog tho im not sure why a duck woud want to do this]
PET STORE OWNER: and this ones a pure-bred
DUCK: [quacks wildly]
As sad is it may sound ... the internet is my home. You are my home. Real life just doesn't work for me.
Chin up, buttercup. I'm positive the Pulitzer Prize Board will notice your tweets this year.
If Cyndi Lauper had sung GIRLS JUST WANT TO STAB NUNS it would have been a very different world.
Lower than Atlantis - vibes rn
Well, that didn't go according to plan.
*me all day, every day
Get ID tags for your pets.
It's the difference of getting them back or them being lost as a thrown away stray.
I ate my first Big Mac since 1985 yesterday. I wanted the last one to exit my colon first.
broken crayons will still color...
Man versus Couch
My Native American name is "Deletes Your Voicemail Message Without Listening To It."
Once I get outta this conga line, I'm gonna kick your ass.
if you don't have anything nice to say, then we can talk shit together
You're no better than anyone else on Twitter and you know how I know this?
Because you're on Twitter.
Elite my ass.
I come in peace. Take me to your pharmacist.
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