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My wife tried female viagra. We didn’t have sex but she did tell me a story that lasted longer than four hours.
Hope they don't hack LinkedIn and reveal my secret fantasy of being paid more.
As soon as we find any peace, in surge gents.
I'm happy, you're happy
I'm black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.
When you wake up Monday morning just remember that nobody gives a fuck about what you did over the weekend.
My Mom going through her past wedding pics like, "I dunno why I married your Dad." I'm like, "I do. See the ring bearer? That's ME."
"I promise to love, honor and cherish you -- for only two days a month."
-- Polygamy wedding vows
It's 2015, why is there no ice cream truck that sells breakfast food?
I'm gonna start calling you Herpes cuz it is Fucking Impossible to get rid of you.
They always say valid email address like ur going to give em an invalid one
Cheese: Will you marry me?
Me: I queso.
I come in peace. Take me to your pharmacist.
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