Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Must of had that resting bitch face on.
Advice from homeless man on walk home:
"Appreciate your life, man. God bless it."
Just bought Cliffs Notes Twitter Meltdown Edition
The cop that pulled me over asked if I was carrying any illegal substances and I was like "I don't know. Maybe. What do you need?"
Dang girl are your eyebrows a traffic sign because they make me wanna yield and do an illegal u turn.
Opens wallet, tarot card falls out, girl looks at me like wow he's mystical and sensuous, I'm going to let him touch my breasts.
It's about time Viagra replaced the horny, old guys on their commercials with a hot milf.
The only branch of law enforcement I'm interested in is the one where I end up as the triangulator.
My doctor told me to knock it off with the alcohol over a year ago which is an excellent example of how I'm not a very good listener.
My parents named me after the Ashley furniture store... They just really like furniture.
Being sensitive and sincere.
Derived from the Latin for “How to get laid”
My sex life is terrible at the moment. I got knocked back by my own hand this morning.
3(3(3^3 + 3) + 3) + 3(3(3 + 3)) = 333
Now that's what I call a three sum.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world... I'll probably leave a stain.
Note to self: When people say 'Fuck me', don't begin touching them. Its just a phrase.
Relationship status: Swiping left.
What kind of fucking psycho would keep gloves in their glove box?
Save 75% on your vasectomy by going to a vet.