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Perhaps necking back a 6oz flask of Gin in 15 minutes before heading to the airport shuttle wasn't the wisest decision...
Your favorite sin is...
how do pop punk boys fit their diapers into those skinny jeans
yesterday I ate a steak and then beat the shit out of my friends
may the jorts be with you
don't talk to me or my pug again https://twitter.com/thepugsbot/status/727931547597344768 …
'So..WHO IS Minnie?'
Me: 'When I was a kid I watched 'Coming to America' everyday for almost 2 months.'
One of my top tweets is totally bombing on facebook right now, proving it is in fact a good tweet.
I was going to go to bed, but there's cold beer in the fridge and anxiety in my brain
I tell nobody my birthday. The only one at work who knows is my boss, and I found the kiddie porn on his laptop, so he keeps it quiet.
Well, I guess anything can be porn if you can jerk off to it *removes pants*
I wish Ted Cruz's dad had pulled out.
This isn't a fucking joke. These are words. They're the only things that are immortal in this piece of shit thing we call life.
Cleared my thoughts. Time to read y'alls shitty Tweets.
Eating yogurt on a crowded train is like opening a whale's vagina in a padded room.
I come in peace. Take me to your pharmacist.
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