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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs.
It's really that simple.
I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there's doctors EVERYWHERE.
I just stopped this crying baby with a single shush.
BOOM. DONE. DAD OF THE YEAR. *drops baby, walks away*
I just schooled my kid in a rap battle. He started crying when I went on about all the stuff I did to his mom last night.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"
If you're ever get attacked by a group of white people, just yell "EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!" and they'll all stop to do the Cha Cha Slide.
If you haven't used a baby's head to turn off a light switch, you really aren't taking advantage of all the tools at your disposal.
I killed someone with kindness today. Blood EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes it's okay to just lay on the floor and pretend your life is fine.
My kid just put a waffle up to his ear and pretended he was on a phone call. Basically, don't expect too much out of the class of 2026.
Why buy the cow when you get the milk free?
Uh, long-term production value and resale.
It's like some people don't understand cow farming.
I always sigh and say "I love you," followed by a long silent pause just to see how bad telemarketers really want the sale.
I'm probably going to be kicked out of this hospital if I get caught using their intercom to page Dr. Dre one more time.
Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank you can only do once per job.
As of today, I’ve been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie!
Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I’m being smothered.
When I see a cute couple holding hands in public, I yell "SURPRISE RED ROVER!" and run as fast as I can to bust through their arms.
I like to respond "Who is this??" to my wife's texts occasionally. You know, keep things fresh.
Everything is bite size when you're Steven Tyler.
Not doing a Christopher Columbus tweet. That ship has sailed. Shit.
Just a college dropout, living the office life. Don't get all haughty though, I've seen you screw up your/you're, like, a dozen times.