Every time I puke, someone has to say "are you pregnant?" then I have to say "if I am, not for long!" Then everyone gets uncomfortable.

Was going to switch my avi to my cleavage... But don't want pervy old men who are attracted to 11 year old boys to follow me.

If I knew that I'd be able to follow all these sick fucking people, I would have joined Twitter a long time ago.

Cuddle like no one is watching. Fuck like everyone is watching.

I'm eating peach yogurt. I bet this is what unicorn pussy tastes like.

I don't get girls who deep throat ball sacks but won't touch a public bathroom door without a paper towel.

Shower sex is always so hot in the movies. For me its soap in the eyes, water pumped up the snatch and a half frozen body.

I feel the same way about pregnancy as I do about outer space. It's beautiful, until I really think about. Then it creeps me the fuck out.

Of course I tweet about the same shit all the time. It's because I do the same shit all the time.

I've gotten so lazy that when I text, I just hit the screen a bunch, let autocorrect do its thing and hope for the best.

The longest I want to hold hands is the amount of time it takes me to grab your hand and shove it down my pants.

I never get laid on nights when my bra and underwear match.

A snow covered road is a lot like a vagina. At first its pretty, crisp and fresh but the more it gets driven the sloppier it gets.

I feel bad for that one Nigerian prince who actually just wants to meet people online.

I'm fucking your Twitter crush.

I hate the phrase "I'm so wet". Trying out new options. For the record, "I'm feeling swampy" was already tried... Back to the drawing board.

Someone who eats a shit ton of McDonalds is going to win a million dollars. Is that a good idea America?

The alcoholic 7 dwarfs: Slurry, Pukey, Sloppy, Stumbly, Sobby, Jittery and Broke.

I'd probably work out more if there was more masturbation involved.

Third date is anal, right?