Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet Him.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have no gag reflex. You'd think I'd be more popular.

Looking out the window I see the garden needs tending. Weeds. Watering. Taking care of that now. Closing blinds.

I have come to the conclusion that "Do Not Mix With Alcohol" is more of a suggestion.

Look. Just tell me you love me and the water boarding will stop.

Yes. I know they say that 4 hour erection might be bad for you. But. Why does it always have to be about *you*?

The solution for younger looking skin? Fuck a plastic surgeon.

Dress for the job you want..

which means I'm hoping for a job as a pajama model..

"I'm a little upset." — Canadian protest sign

The doctors at the hospital told me smoking was really bad for my health. I almost spilled the Seagrams I was laughing so fucking so hard.

There's a procedure where they take fat cells from your butt to put in your lips. It gives a whole new meaning to talking out of your ass.

Shh. Quiet now, sweetheart. I'll tell you the safe word.
Later.

I think I may have embalmed myself last night.

I just let a fart out that slid out my ass and fluttered my labia. And I *liked* it.

I need to be prettier. And thinner. Oh, and younger. So, there's that.

OH HAI new little followers! C'mon in. Sit by the fire. Here. Have a martini. NO! DON'T SIT THERE! NEVER THERE!

For everyone who didn't get a personal #FF mention. Well. Get the fuck over it. I'm usually funny. No one EVER said I was nice.

I used to have super powers.

But my therapist took them all away.

What I'm most afraid of is waking up one morning and finding out I'm fucking nuts.