Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you'd like to meet Him.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

"I'm a little upset." — Canadian protest sign

I have come to the conclusion that "Do Not Mix With Alcohol" is more of a suggestion.

I have no gag reflex. You'd think I'd be more popular.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it's amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Looking out the window I see the garden needs tending. Weeds. Watering. Taking care of that now. Closing blinds.

Yes. I know they say that 4 hour erection might be bad for you. But. Why does it always have to be about *you*?

Look. Just tell me you love me and the water boarding will stop.

Dress for the job you want..

which means I'm hoping for a job as a pajama model..

The solution for younger looking skin? Fuck a plastic surgeon.

I used to have super powers.

But my therapist took them all away.

I got banned from WalMart today for taking all the *Caution Wet Floor* signs and moving them to the 50 Shades of Grey display.

Shh. Quiet now, sweetheart. I'll tell you the safe word.
Later.

The doctors at the hospital told me smoking was really bad for my health. I almost spilled the Seagrams I was laughing so fucking so hard.

There's a procedure where they take fat cells from your butt to put in your lips. It gives a whole new meaning to talking out of your ass.

I just let a fart out that slid out my ass and fluttered my labia. And I *liked* it.

I think I may have embalmed myself last night.

OH HAI new little followers! C'mon in. Sit by the fire. Here. Have a martini. NO! DON'T SIT THERE! NEVER THERE!

I need to be prettier. And thinner. Oh, and younger. So, there's that.