I wish I was a fucking dragon. Bitches love dragons.

We've reached the point of the night where I have to decide if I'm going to put on pants or just deal with running out of Jameson.

5 things I hate more than cats.

1. Republicans
2. The Black Eyed Peas
3.
4.
5.


Alright maybe there is only 2.

Girlfriend said she'd never give me a naked picture. But I've already got a bunch while she's a sleep so I don't get why it's a big deal.

You know how tv adds 15lbs? Well twitter avi's must subtract 150lbs.

I will eat this entire bag of pizza rolls from Costco and not a single fuck will be given or an ounce of shame felt.

No we aren't fighting. Fighting implies there's a desired outcome to be achieved. I've just given up.

Me: look I tweeted something hilarious!

Twitter: -_-

Wearing sweat pants in the library is acceptable as long as you have a boner right?

People do a lot of pointless shit, I'll tell you all about it but first I have to finish this hopscotch tournament.

No you've managed to go through a fifth of Jameson everyday this week. Fuck.

"I don't talk to people in real life unless I've known them for more than a year on the internet."

People who go to bars alone aren't pathetic. They just have twitter accounts.

I fell down the rabbit hole.

I drank too much last night and didn't even notice the bear raiding my kitchen and covering me in crumbs.

Her: "we need to do laundry"
Me: "or we can have sex"
Her: "I'm going to go do laundry"

And that is how I haven't done laundry in months

Crazy people are the only people who get interviewed on the local news.

Me: I'm starving. I'll just smoke some & I'll be too high to care about it.

(20 min later)

Me: I'VE NEVER BEEN SO WRONG IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

You don't deserve to walk on a sidewalk if your slow fat ass takes up the entire area.

said about me: "didn't I read on twitter that he has large penis? I book marked that shit" #swag