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I wish I was a fucking dragon. Bitches love dragons.
We've reached the point of the night where I have to decide if I'm going to put on pants or just deal with running out of Jameson.
5 things I hate more than cats.
2. The Black Eyed Peas
Alright maybe there is only 2.
Girlfriend said she'd never give me a naked picture. But I've already got a bunch while she's a sleep so I don't get why it's a big deal.
You know how tv adds 15lbs? Well twitter avi's must subtract 150lbs.
I will eat this entire bag of pizza rolls from Costco and not a single fuck will be given or an ounce of shame felt.
No we aren't fighting. Fighting implies there's a desired outcome to be achieved. I've just given up.
Me: look I tweeted something hilarious!
Wearing sweat pants in the library is acceptable as long as you have a boner right?
People do a lot of pointless shit, I'll tell you all about it but first I have to finish this hopscotch tournament.
No you've managed to go through a fifth of Jameson everyday this week. Fuck.
"I don't talk to people in real life unless I've known them for more than a year on the internet."
People who go to bars alone aren't pathetic. They just have twitter accounts.
I fell down the rabbit hole.
I drank too much last night and didn't even notice the bear raiding my kitchen and covering me in crumbs.
Her: "we need to do laundry"
Me: "or we can have sex"
Her: "I'm going to go do laundry"
And that is how I haven't done laundry in months
Crazy people are the only people who get interviewed on the local news.
Me: I'm starving. I'll just smoke some & I'll be too high to care about it.
(20 min later)
Me: I'VE NEVER BEEN SO WRONG IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
You don't deserve to walk on a sidewalk if your slow fat ass takes up the entire area.
said about me: "didn't I read on twitter that he has large penis? I book marked that shit" #swag
I don't talk to people in real life unless I've known them for more than a year on the internet.