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Her: "Why don't you go to church?"
Me: "Same reason you don't go unicorn watching"
I feel like Facebook should add a 'Fuck No' button to friend requests.
Why do people say they converted to atheism. There is no baptism oaths or mottos. You just realize everything you've been told is bullshit.
I accidentally became one of those guys who look at porn while at work.
My plan to meet women by waiting on the bike path with a brick was a great success, her name is Officer Jones, she has me in cuffs already!
Girls if you have a guy friend that would do anything for you tell him you won't fuck him so he can find someone else that wont fuck him too
New boss wants to have lunch, it's okay if I get a Guinness and call him a tosser right? He said he wanted to get to know the real me.
I got an IPad, now I can be that douche in all my meetings
A twitter mistress is a thing right? A twitstress?
What does it mean when my gf won't return my calls, changes her locks, and puts a restraining order on me? Women and their subtlety.
Apparently working in the buff is frowned upon if you're not a stripper or pornstar. Good to know.
I'll try anything twice, because I was probably drunk the first time and don't remember.
Telling someone they're stupid doesn't solve anything, you have to show them ... through humiliation.
Good thing God decided to have the end of days on a Saturday, now I can go to the pub Friday and sleep throughout the whole thing.
My friend is getting a divorce ... his wife is getting a new fuck buddy just as soon as I get her number
I am the only one in the office today, so what I'm trying to say is ... I'm naked.
If this was get drunk and sleep alone day I would be winning.
What the fuck are you looking at? Yes, I'm hung over. Now piss off before I stab you.
When I flick a cigaret into a puddle, I like to pretend it is a puddle of gasoline, and then I walk away from the explosion in slow-motion.
That last masturbation tweet lost me a follower, what a jerk-off.
musha ring dumma do damma da whack for the daddy 'ol http://favstar.fm/users/ADrunkIrishman http://adrunkirishman.tumblr.com/