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Sure, I could go to bed, but I could also have another drink and make a list of people who have wronged me.
It's unfortunate that there's no cure for my cold, but this medical marijuana is about to be the cure for me giving a fuck.
Going to a thing at this bar. I hope there's a good corner to stand in while I look at my phone.
Polishing off the "oh my God, I'm going to be alone forever" beer, but luckily, the "I am invincible" beer is coming up next.
Just figured it out—remember those shirts from the 90's with Tweetie dressed up like Kriss Kross? That's what Justin Bieber reminds me of.
If you give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters, one of them will eventually accuse another of plagiarizing his work.
Watching 'Robocop'—for those that don't remember, it's set in a dystopian future where Detroit still has enough money to build a robot.
The best part of a Barack Obama speech is reading the Facebook status updates afterward to find out which of your friends are racist. #SOTU
For better or worse, my desire to make garlic bread isn't quite as strong as my desire to just keep sitting here in the dark.
There must be something about a lack of animal protein that makes a person unable to stop talking about being a vegan.
Just sneezed on myself rather than letting go of the PS3 controller to cover my mouth, but then paused the game to tweet about it. Wow.
If the guys at Guitar Center were as good at music as they are at ignoring people, they wouldn'tve had to quit their bands to work here…
The music is gonna be so shitty in the "Wonder Years"-type show they do about this decade in 2032.
Cute idea to include Toll House cookie dough with DiGiornos now, though I'm not sure why Nestlé is going to these lengths to keep me single.
If you don't bust out at least one random karate kick any time you're in an empty room, you haven't fully explored the beauty of humanity.
The best part of living in a Hispanic neighborhood is how many more flavors of Fanta they sell at 7-Eleven.
Delicate genius. Producer for @TotallyBiasedFX. Third wheel on the @FNGTAC podcast.
