Facebook makes me hate my friends. Twitter makes me love strangers.

Twitter: the cause of and solution to all of us having social anxiety.

Why does twitter recommend accounts similar to me? I hate myself.

I don't mean to brag, but I know where Carmen Sandiego is.

Forgot my phone in my office when I went to the bathroom and now I know more about Glade air freshener than anyone ever has ever.

In my humble opinion, "fucks" are best when you're not giving them.

Bacon is proof that Jews and Muslims are doing it wrong.

The way my Favstar page looks, I'm assuming I'm on the "do not star" list. I'm also going to assume I was put on a "do not fuck" list too.

This is the worst Christian dating site ever!

I think we can all agree that since we are on twitter, we already are a little dead on the inside.

If you're over 25 and still get drunk on shit beer, you're either white trash or my father.



Scratch the either, they're the same things.

I take comfort knowing that regardless of how many followers you have, chances are your just as sad & pathetic as the rest of us on twitter.

Found a label maker at work, so now a whole bunch of stuff is my property.

You know how the old saying goes; men are from mars, women are from the deepest unholy pits of hell.

If life is a highway, then twitter is the dark alley behind the local head shop.

Having to manually enter all my contacts into my new phone is making me really question the validity of some of my "friendships".

Little unknown fact, Sir Mix-A-Lot likes other things too.

So at what point in life does things stop sucking so much? At 30? Please say it's 30.

Justin Bieber has been named in a paternity suit. He's probably the only 17 year old on the planet that would publicly deny getting laid.

Sometimes life makes you ask yourself "What would Jesus do with this a fully automatic weapon?"