If he truly wanted to be happy, Waldo should really be trying to find himself.

After donating blood, how many hours do you get to act like you're better than everybody else?

No hug, no matter how consoling in nature, will be completely erection free.

What's the proper decorum for handing your cup of sperm to the nurse? Pretending to trip with the lid ajar isn't going over well, at all.

I wonder how many of our parent's liquor cabinets still just have big bottles of water in them.

How long do you wait to call a girl who went to the bathroom and never came back?

I hope nobody ever tells the crickets that their language just means 'awkward silence' to us.

Just realized why Asians always call it table tennis. Pretty racist, everybody else.

Having a Murder Party tonight! Should go ok as we told the guy were gonna kill that were totally gonna kill this other guy. Fingers crossed!

Cute girl in this coffee shop. Better go with my patented "stare at my laptop until she goes away" move.

I give some top notch parenting advice under my breath in public places.

How women who draw their eyebrows on resist the urge to do "cartoon villain" at least once is beyond me.

Slow down, Springtime. I haven’t figured out what to blame my depression on next.

I will get some stars for a testicle joke tonight. Mark my nards.

Nude figure drawing models could take lessons from my ability to freeze any pose when the doorbell rings.

Had a girl tell me I was pretty "vanilla" in the bedroom and not to brag, but that's only like one of the most popular flavors ever.

Anyone know a good place to put undue pressure on yourself to be funny for free?

I know I'm really into a girl when I invite her over for dinner and don't use the napkins with the Wendy's logo on them.

What if the messenger hands me a note that says "Shoot this guy"?

Do Asian guys even have to say what to do when getting their hair cut?